


Monster of Logic

by Alxariam



Category: Touhou Project, やはり俺の青春ラブコメはまちがっている。 | My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU (Anime)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2020-10-10 08:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 68,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20525075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alxariam/pseuds/Alxariam
Summary: Hikigaya Hachiman seeks "something genuine" in a land of fantasy and illusions. It doesn't make much sense to him either, but it's not like he had a choice in the matter.





	1. Making friends

“Something genuine.”

Despite wishing for it from the bottom of my heart, it has never been clear to me what exactly that means. Is it love? Is it friendship? I didn’t know. I still don’t. And so, I searched for something I didn’t fully understand. I requested the help of my clubmates, and they accepted the first and last request of Hikigaya Hachiman. They did their best to help, and I’m truly grateful to them from the bottom of my heart, but how are you supposed to give someone something if you don’t know what it is you have to give?

They did their best; I have no doubts there. I would even argue that they fulfilled the request I gave to them. It wasn’t what I truly wanted, but it was what I had asked for. I tried giving it time. I doubted the sort of relationship I sought would form overnight, after all. However, my dissatisfaction grew with time, instead of lessening as I had hoped. It wasn’t fair of me to disparage the efforts of my clubmates when they would give anything I asked, if only I knew what to ask for. And so, I kept these thoughts to myself, further increasing the unpleasant feeling in my gut.

Truthfully, more than anything else, I was afraid. My relationships with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were the sort of one-in-a-million chances that I would never see the likes of again, and even that wasn’t enough to satisfy me. _‘If that’s the case, maybe I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist.’_ That thought stuck in my head and refused to leave. If that were truly the case, then the only choices open to me were to endlessly search in vain, or to compromise my ideals and forsake my greatest desire. Neither of these options appealed to me. I have always taken pride in my refusal to change myself for the sake of others, especially for something as important to me as this.

How fitting that it was only after coming to a land of fantasy and illusion that I found that “something genuine” I was looking for.

* * *

I was awoken by the feeling of a warm sunbeam on my face and a gentle breeze ruffling my hair. This was my first clue that something was wrong, as I keep my window closed and curtains drawn at all times to keep my room as insulated from the outside world as possible. The second clue that something was wrong was the feeling of grass under my body instead of my lovely bed. I sat up and stretched my arms over my head, while letting out a jaw-cracking yawn. I can’t remember the last time I woke up from something other than Komachi’s gentle body slam into my chest for sleeping in too late, or Sensei’s gentle headlock for sleeping in class, or Yukinoshita’s gentle scathing critique of my qualifications as a human being for sleeping in the clubroom. I have to be careful, or else I’ll grow spoiled.

_‘Well, enough joking around.’_ I stood up the rest of the way to take stock of my surroundings.

The first thing I noticed was… trees. There were a lot of them. The canopy was so thick that the sky was completely blocked from my sight, only a bit of light trickling through letting me know that it was daytime. It was rather peaceful. Every now and then, a pleasant breeze would blow through the leaves, giving the branches a lazy sway. It was the sort of pleasant view you’d normally see after your father suffers a mental breakdown from work-related stress and brings his entire family with him to go camping in the middle of nowhere for two weeks, interrupting his wonderful son’s peaceful summer and making him leave his games and manga at home. Not that I would know, of course.

The second thing I noticed was the mushrooms. They were everywhere, and I had absolutely no idea what any of them were. Mushrooms weren’t supposed to come in every color on the visible spectrum, and they certainly weren’t supposed to come in every color at once. Then again, what would I know? I’m certainly no wildlife expert. Maybe this was a totally normal thing about mushrooms that I had just never known before. I should text Yukinoshita, I bet she would know. As soon as I think that, I’m immediately struck with two thoughts.

First, texting Yukinoshita to ask about mushrooms is just setting myself up to get torn down. That was a terrible idea.

Second, I have a phone! My parents bought me a nice smartphone as a reward for passing Soubu High’s entrance exams, likely from some misguided notion that I had friends from middle school that I would like to stay in touch with. They may be emotionally distant wage slaves, but they’ve made it very clear to their children (mostly Komachi) that they will always answer if we call with an emergency, and this certainly qualifies as one in my mind. I fish around in the pockets of my school uniform for a moment and take out my phone, put in the passcode 11037, and…

No signal.

I stared at my phone for a few seconds, right before it shut itself off from a dead battery. I placed the useless phone back in my pocket and quietly looked around a bit at the nearly identical trees, hemmed and hawed as I considered the questionable edibility of the mysterious fungi… and then I nodded decisively.

“I’m going to die out here.”

* * *

To my surprise, I did not die in the forest. In fact, I only managed to wander around hopelessly lost for a few minutes before I stumbled into a very helpful young girl that set my older brother instincts into overdrive. Several times over the course of our meeting, I had to resist the powerful urge to ruffle her hair and ask if she had any male friends for me to threaten.

She appeared disappointed when she got a good look at my face, but she was kind enough to not say anything about it. I already know this face of mine is disappointing, so there’s no need for strangers to point it out. Not that it stops most of them from saying something anyways… Looking at you, Yukinoshita.

After some introductions and a round of questions, she explained that she was looking for dinner when she found me. I was initially worried that she was lost like me, but she laughed off my concerns and stated she had been living here for a long time. There wasn’t much I could say to her after that. If she really grew up here, then my city boy logic will just be annoying. She didn’t seem at all offended, but I didn’t want to push it, especially when she was my only ticket to getting out of here. She was kind enough to point me out of the woods when I asked for directions to the nearest town. There wasn’t much in the way of landmarks to follow, so the best she could do was give me a direction to follow and advice on which plants to steer clear of. All she asked for in return was for me to point any other lost travelers I happened to stumble across towards her direction, presumably so she could lead them out of the forest as well.

Rumia was such a sweet girl.

Even with those directions, navigating the forest wasn’t easy for me. The terrain was hard to navigate at times, and I had to be careful not to lose my sense of direction, but the worst part was the stress of being in an unfamiliar environment with little to distract me from my thoughts. How did I get here? This wasn’t some carefully maintained hiking trail in a local park. This was nature left to its own devices. There were no paths or markers to follow, and the flora was clearly left to grow as it pleased for quite a long time to reach its current state. Eventually, this train of thought led to its natural conclusion.

Absolutely nothing like this exists in Chiba.

So once again, I asked myself how I could have ended up here, deep in the heart of a forest that does not exist anywhere near my hometown, with no memories of how it could have happened.

I had some ideas, and all of them unsettled me further. With an uneasy heart, I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind and focused on reaching somewhere safe before nightfall. Who knows what kind of creatures hunt at night in a place like this?

Come to think of it, why hadn’t I seen or heard any signs of the wildlife?

Unsettled, I decided to move a bit faster than before.

* * *

It was several hours later that I finally emerged from the forest and onto a well-worn dirt path, and nearly collapsed in relief. I was in remarkably good shape from riding my bike to and from school every day, but my legs were a quivering mess and the shirt under my jacket was soaked through with sweat. I could see the village Rumia mentioned from where I stood. Despite wanting nothing more than to collapse where I stood, the sight of my goal being near gave me the drive to keep going… at a slower pace, of course. It’s important to do these sorts of things with moderation.

As I approached the village and noticed some of the details, I began to have some concerns. More concerns, that is. Everything about this situation was concerning. I woke up in the middle of the woods with no memory of how I got there, so a certain level of concern was warranted. I found myself wondering things such as _‘Why do these buildings look like they’re centuries old?’_ and _‘Why is there an imposing wall surrounding the whole village?’_ I had no answers, but I also had nowhere else to go.

Finally, with those sorts of troubling and unresolved thoughts, I reached the end of the road and the entrance to the village, impeded by a large gate. The gate itself was nothing special, just two large wooden doors set into the wall, with an empty guard tower to the right of it. I put my hand on the outside and pushed lightly as a test, but there was absolutely no give. Judging by the hinges, it likely opened outwards. I couldn’t see any kind of handle or mechanism to open the door from my side, which led me to conclude that it could only be opened from the other side. I had doubts in my ability to open them with my scrawny arms anyways. I could hear some faint indistinct chatter on the other side. Was I supposed to call out to them?

“Um…” I croaked, too quiet by far. I raised my voice. “Hello? Anyone want to let me in, or-?” Thankfully I was interrupted before I could further make an ass out of myself.

““SNRK, huh? What?! Who’s there?!” Someone’s head shot up over the railing of the guard tower, one hand rubbing sleep from his eyes and the other gripping a… spear?! Well, one more concern for the pile. It seemed the tower wasn’t as empty as I initially believed. “What do you want?” Well, right to the point. I can respect that.

“Uh… Right. Yeah. Can you let me in? I’ll just be out of your hair in a bit.” There was silence, followed by a response far warier than the last.

“…Nobody has left the village today. Everyone is accounted for. What’s your name? I’ll have to ask the chief about you.” Oh for- Really? What was with this insane level of paranoia? I didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with this absolute nonsense.

“Seriously? I just woke up in the woods with no clue how I got there, and you want to play meet-and-greet? My name is Hikigaya Hachiman, but that doesn’t matter because I’ve never been here before in my life. I don’t even know where _here_ is! Just… look, all I need to do is make a call or two, but there’s no signal out here and my cellphone is dead. So, if you could just let me in so I can use your landline or something, that would be _great_.” I grit the last part out. I wasn't being entirely fair to this guard just doing their job, but it had been a long day that I dearly wanted to end. The guard looked as confused as I felt.

“Landline? Cellphone…? Oh! I know what this is! You’re an outsider, aren’t you?” The tension vanished like it had never been there in the first place, and the guard was all smiles now. I opened my mouth to question whether or not I was being insulted, but he just continued right on. “Maaaan, you guys usually don’t make it here. Good job, kid!” He gave me a thumbs up. “But geez, the forest? You must have some crazy luck if you made it through that hellhole with your insides still inside.”

“What?!” It was that dangerous?! I guess that answers my question about the security, at least. This village was rather close to the outskirts of the forest, so putting a wall up is just common sense. I remember reading that rural villages used to have issues with wolves, could that be the case here as well? Thank goodness for my low presence. The most dangerous thing I came across in that forest was Rumia, and she was perfectly harmless. Stealth Hikky saves the day again!

“Name’s Yamada. Good to meet you, Hachiman.” He sure did get casual all of a sudden. I think I liked him better when he was being a dick. “Anyway, just hold your horses for a sec and I’ll let ya in. Oi! Tarou! Get those doors open! We got an outsider!” He turned his head to the right and called for someone out of sight. “You gonna stick around? Probably not, huh? I don’t blame you. I can get someone to take you the shrine tomorrow, but it’s too late to head out now. The last thing you want is to be outside these walls at night.” I tried to interject a comment, but he just kept talking. “I’m sure Keine will be alright with you sleeping in one of her classrooms for the night, then you can head out first thing in the morning for the shrine. Don’t worry, that miko is scary as shit, but she’ll get you squared away. Damn it, Tarou! Move your ass!” He turned completely to the right this time to continue yelling at his co-worker.

Just as I was starting to get whiplash from the rapid topic changes, one of the doors gave a loud creak and scrape, then slowly shifted open a tiny bit, just enough to let a single person through. I understand completely, Tarou-san. No point putting all that effort into opening it all the way for one complete stranger. I can certainly respect your dedication towards energy conservation.

Once again, Yamada interrupted my internal monologue before I could really get going. “Doesn’t look like you’re carrying anything, but we’ll have to search you to make sure you don’t have anything dangerous. You outsiders carry some scary shit sometimes, you know?” No, I don’t know, actually.

“You guys sure are paranoid.” I said with a frown. “In fact, I was starting to think you weren’t going to let me in at all.” A bit of annoyance creeped into my tone, but Yamada just laughed it off.

“Hahahaha! Sorry about that, kid! We’ve been on high alert ever since the captain’s kid went missing. I’ve been here all day, haven’t slept a single wink!” He winked at me, giving me a conspiratorial smile. I was definitely reporting this guy to his boss as soon as I could. “Tarou, what the fuck are you doing? Go search the kid so we can get this over with already!” He throws another careless grin in my direction. “Newbies, am I right?” Please don’t drag me into this. You have my condolences for dealing with this guy all the time, Tarou-san, but I will continue to do absolutely nothing to help you.

A scrawny man wearing worn leather armor a size too big for someone his size squeezed through the opening, took one look at my face, then yelped and ran back in before slamming the door. Tarou-san, didn’t your mother teach you any manners? Even if you find me repulsive, the correct response is pity, not fear. You could really hurt someone’s feelings like that. Not mine, of course, but the point stands. I looked to Yamada for an explanation, but he was nowhere to be seen. There was a loud commotion on the other side of the door, and I wasn’t sure what to do. Why couldn’t today just end? Finally, after several minutes of awkwardly standing around unsure what to do with myself, the commotion settled, and the door creaked open once more. This time, I was greeted to the sight of an absolute bear of a man, outfitted in well-fitted metal armor that looked properly maintained.

“Leave.” His voice was deep and rough, and exactly what I expected someone who looked like that would sound like. His face may as well have been carved from stone for all the emotion it showed, but there was no mistaking the sheer hatred the man felt after a single glance at his eyes. For some reason, that hatred was directed squarely at me, but there was also something else in the man’s glare that I couldn’t identify.

“What…? ‘Leave…’? Why the hell would I leave?” I was working myself up into a proper angry rant, but instantly stopped when I saw that the guard’s hand had tightened on the grip of the sword resting on his hip. That was when I figured out what that mysterious emotion was in the man’s eyes.

It was fear.

“You are not welcome in this village, youkai. Leave, now.” ‘Youkai’? What the hell? Is that supposed to be an insult? The man seemed absolutely serious. How do I even respond to something like this?

“I don’t… ‘Youkai’? What are you…? I mean, I’m not…” The huge man was completely tense and eyed me like a ticking timebomb. If it came down to a fight, then I would lose 10 out of 10 times against this guy. Anyone who looked at us would agree. After all, I was a scrawny teenager that fights with words and cynicism. I wouldn’t be surprised if my sister could beat me up. If this guy seriously came at me, my only recourse would be the Joestar’s secret family technique. So then, why was this guy looking like he was the one bravely facing his death?

“Did you really think you could fool us with that disguise? I bet you stole those strange clothes from a lost outsider after you killed them.” He scoffs. “A good effort, but nobody with eyes like that could possibly be human.” I really wish I could say that was the first time someone said something like that to me, but middle school children can be exceptionally cruel. “This is your last chance, youkai. Leave. Now.” He drew the sword from his hip and held it straight out between us. His grip shook and it didn’t seem like he was confident in his ability to use it, but it’s not like he needed to be good at it to kill me. Not that he seemed aware of this.

“…fine then.” I sighed, just feeling resigned by that point. Discretion was the better part of valor here. I could save the freak out until after I had a plan. Yamada had mentioned a shrine before everything went to shit, so I chose to make that my next stop. “Point me in the direction of the shrine and I’ll leave. No trouble. That’s what you want, yeah?” I spat out at him. My cowardice was completely eclipsed by my exhaustion and disgust with this situation. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to mind, and in fact relaxed completely upon hearing my offer to leave. He pointed in the opposite direction I had come from down the path, so I turned and left without another complaint.

Before I got too far though, I stopped when a thought occurred to me. “By the way, Yamada was asleep in the guard tower when I got here. You should probably punish him.” And then I kept walking while ignoring the squawk from Yamada, a satisfied feeling of schadenfreude in my heart.

I had no idea what the hell to do after that. I was tired and quickly running out of daylight, and Yamada had mentioned that the shrine was too far to reach before night. He also mentioned that the forest is apparently a death trap, which is just fantastic. It seems I spoke too soon about not dying in that place. The only things that didn’t make sense were the terms they had used for me; ‘outsider’ and ‘youkai’. I supposed that ‘outsider’ could refer to anyone from outside of their community, but Yamada had made it sound like me waking up in the middle of nowhere was a completely normal occurrence. How often does something like that happen that he can just completely laugh it off?

Then there was ‘youkai’, which was even more confusing. I know what that term means, just as any other normal Japanese citizen would. It’s used to describe supernatural beings from old folk tales, usually monsters, but not always. That man seemed absolutely convinced that I was one of these creatures. I could chalk it up to a single man’s delusions, but Tarou had run away from me as well. What the hell was up with this place? Truthfully, I didn’t want to think about the subject anymore, but any distraction from my aching feet and legs was welcome. It appeared that the path eventually goes through the forest, and I was not looking forward to returning to it. I let out a heavy sigh.

“Didn’t work, huh?” A familiar voice came from behind me, scaring the absolute crap out of me. I slowly turned around showing no sign of fear on my face, all the while trying to keep my heart from jumping out of my throat. How the hell did Rumia sneak up on me that easily? I didn’t even hear her footsteps. I must have been lost in thought. She folded her arms and nodded in a commiserating manner. “Yeah, they’ve been kinda on edge lately. Someone’s kid wandered into the forest and got eaten, so now they’re all jumpy. It’s hilarious.” She laughed, as if she hadn’t said something completely horrifying. “Ah well, tough luck. I’m heading to Mystia’s food stand. Wanna come?”

As soon as she mentioned food, my stomach loudly growled, causing me to blush. Rumia just smiled teasingly and gave me an understanding look as her stomach growled twice as loud as mine. Ah, I can feel my soul being soothed by this wonderful little sister. Wait, no! I must remain dedicated to my beloved Komachi! Instead of ruffling her hair like I wanted to, I settled for a firm nod. “Then let’s go!” She chirped. I took a step to follow her, and then froze at her actions. Instead of walking, she lifted her arms parallel to the ground and hovered several inches off the ground, before lazily floating down the path.

What?

No seriously, what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks for reading! I've written a lot in the past, but I don't usually post anything because I have a bad habit of endlessly editing and tweaking my stuff until it's "good enough", but I decided to post this because I'm happy with how it's turning out. Please let me know what you think of it! Constructive criticism is welcome, but please be gentle. I am very delicate.


	2. A loner and a youkai walk into a bar...

I stared down at the meal in my hands, refusing to make eye contact with anyone while I tried to make sense of today. Which part of all this was I even supposed to react to? I was stunned into complete silence after Rumia turned noclip on and t-posed her way the whole way here. She seemed perfectly fine with holding up the conversation by herself, which I was thankful for. She mainly talked about her other friends, who are also youkai. I might have been a little skeptical of those claims before today, but Rumia’s flying was very convincing.

So. Youkai are real. Fact established, moving on now.

Luckily, I made my peace with my new worldview before reaching the food stand run by a girl named Mystia, with bird wings and bird… ears? I wasn’t sure what they’re called. Somehow, this was less surprising than being given a skewer of lamprey. I guess I don’t have anything against lamprey, but that’s such an oddly specific thing to create a business around. Where does she even get them? More importantly, were all youkai this cute? It’s a little hard to reconcile the image I had of Japanese boogeymen with these cute girls.

Wait just a second. Waking up in a strange place and surrounded by cute inhuman girls that don’t mind being around me for extended periods of time… Shit, I’m in an isekai! I don’t remember getting hit by a truck, but memory loss is a perfectly normal symptom of vehicular manslaughter! I hadn’t experienced any sudden power-ups, secret organizations, or horrible prose, so it _probably_ wasn’t one of Zaimokuza’s, but it was too soon to know for sure. I had to be very careful. I’d rather die than live through one of Zaimokuza’s power fantasy escapes from reality.

Moving on from that horrifying train of thought, my biggest problem was that nobody seems to think I’m human. What was it about my appearance that led to that conclusion? My only point of reference here is Rumia and Mystia, who are both extraordinarily cute. I can’t imagine there’s much of a resemblance between us. What was it that guard had said? Something about my eyes being inhuman? I had thought he was insulting me, but he truly believed I was a man-eating monster. If he hadn’t been so clearly terrified, I would be pissed as hell. Actually, no, I was still pissed off. Those stupid bastards left me to die because of my damn eyes! I have it on good faith from my little sister that my eyes are only ‘sort of creepy’ to look at!

I looked over at Rumia to compare eyes, only to find that she had been staring at me the whole time without blinking. Her smile grew when I looked her way and she took a large bite out of her food, skewer and all. Hm. You know, that whole youkai thing is starting to make a bit more sense now. “Are you done pouting?” She asked. Pouting? Oh! She thought I was quiet because I was still upset over that thing with the guards. Well, I guess she wasn’t wrong. Bastards. “Cheer up! It definitely would have worked if those guys weren’t so on edge.” She patted my shoulder. Ahhh, my natural predator can’t be this cute!

“She’s right, you know.” Mystia chimed in from behind the counter. “Your disguise is seriously good! You even smell like a human!” Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I can’t smell great after the day I had. “If it wasn’t for your eyes, then I doubt anyone would ever think you’re a youkai at all.” Shit, I really was a failure as a human then. Yukinoshita must never know about this.

“…so, it really is the eyes then.” I said more to myself than her as I took a bite out of the lamprey skewer. Hey, these are actually pretty tasty! Then again, anything would taste good if it was cooked by a beautiful girl that isn’t Yuigahama. “I know they look like they belong to a dead fish, but I thought they at least still looked human.” I grumbled as I continued picking the lamprey skewer clean. Mystia seemed confused by my complaints.

“Dead fish…? Oh! I didn’t even notice it, but you’re right! Wow, that’s really creepy!” She laughed. Come on, at least be subtle about it! “That’s not quite what I meant, though. Hmm… how do I explain it?” She tapped her fingernails, which were more like claws, on the counter. “It’s not… so much how your eyes look, as it is the look in your eyes that gives it away.” She said as if she wasn’t sure of what she was saying. “Does that make sense?” She asked.

“Mm… Sort of. Actually, no. Not at all.” I admitted. Mystia just folded her arms and thought about how to say it but didn’t seem to have much luck. Luckily, Rumia chimed in from next to me.

“Yeah, I get it~! I’ve seen lots and lots and lots of humans in the forest, you know? Most of them were outsiders, but sometimes villagers wander in too. They aren’t always scared, not at first anyways, but they’re always surprised!” She laughed. “Well, not really ‘surprised’. Hmmmm…” She closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side in thought. Absolutely adorable. “It’s more like they never expect to see me. The villagers panic when they see me because they know who I am, but outsiders panic when they see me too, even though they don’t know about youkai! Don’t you think that’s strange~?” She asks, clearly not expecting an answer. “I thought so at first, but I get it now. To them, I’m a cute little girl that looks completely at home in the middle of some creepy woods. It’s out of place! Humans think they just know how the world works, so they fall apart when you show them something that doesn’t fit.”

“Haa~, I know what you mean.” Mystia sighed. “It’s so hard drawing in human customers, even though I stopped eating them ages ago.” You were eating your customers?! No wonder they stopped coming! She pointed at me. “But you didn’t even react. You had that ‘Ah, that’s just how it is then’ sort of look. If you were really a human, you would have had _some_ kind of reaction.” Is that really all it was? I think I was plenty disturbed, though. “Plus, you had Rumia with you. She’s not exactly the kind of youkai to bond with humans.” That makes a bit more sense.

“Yeah!” Rumia cheered. “That’s exactly it! You didn’t panic at all when you saw me, even though I was totally about to eat you!” Internal screaming. “You really had me fooled at first! Oh, but hey, that reminds me. Why do your hands keep twitching when you look at me?” She asked with a head tilt.

“So hey, Mystia! This lamprey is great! Do you sell anything else?” Mystia smiled knowingly at my panicked subject change, but thankfully didn’t call attention to it.

“Now that you mention it, I just got a shipment from the tengu earlier this morning!” She reached under the counter and placed a large bottle of sake and a cup between us. “Since it’s your first time here, the first one’s on the house.” She winked and poured a reasonable amount into the cup and handed it to me. For a moment, all I did was stare at it. Anyone who knows me may disagree, but I’m an upstanding Japanese citizen, and that means respecting the legal drinking age. Then again, today really had been a long day. One drink to take the edge off couldn’t hurt, right?

* * *

“Youth is a _fucking_ lie!” I slurred, almost shouting as I banged my hand against the counter. “Just a bunch of shitty adults telling you to lap up whatever shit they give you, so they can feel better about their shitty lives! ‘Oh, those were the days.’ They’ll say. ‘These are the best years of your life.’ They’ll say! Bullshit! It’s all complete _bullshit_, you hear me?! Don’t fall for their lies, Rumia!” I turned only to be greeted by an empty barstool. “…where did Rumia go?” Mystia groaned and answered without picking her head up from where it rested on the counter.

“She left an hour ago… I _desperately_ wish I had gone with her.” She groaned out. Well, even I knew I had been rambling on for a while. She was actually being a pretty good sport about it all.

“Thanks for being so nice to me, Mystia. You’re a nice girl.” I said as sincerely as I could.

She finally picked up her head and gave me a sigh and a tired smile. “That’s… sweet of you to say, but-“

“I _hate_ nice girls! Always telling you one thing and then telling other people the same thing, but it’s all _shit_!” Mystia groaned again and let her head fall back to the counter and mumbled something about ‘Oh no, he’s back on this one again…’. “You can’t trust them! One second they’re saying you’re funny, and the next they’re refusing to make eye contact with you in the hallway and telling their friends that you stole their swimsuit!” Mystia picked her head up and looked at me with tears in the corners of her eyes.

“Yeah. Right. I agree completely with whatever you’re saying. So hey, I’ve got a… thing, so I’ve really got to-“ She tried to say before an unfamiliar voice interrupted her.

“Oho? What’s going on over here?” Mystia looked up to see the newcomer had sat down on the stool to my right. “Man, I could hear this guy from way over there. What’s his deal?” When Mystia finally realized who it was, she groaned and let her head fall back to the counter, then again, and then again. Finally, she responded to the newcomer.

“…He’s drunk and won’t shut up about how everyone is stupid except for him.” She grit out. I should have been offended, but even I admit that’s a pretty accurate summary of my drunken rants.

“Sounds fun! How much did you give him?” She laughed and took a drink from a purple gourd tied to her hip.

“One! He had _one_ cup, and he didn’t even pay for it! I’m supposed to trick him into buying more once he’s a little buzzed, but he’s so annoying after one drink that I’m afraid to give him more!” She complained.

“One cup?! Ahaha! Geez, you’re a total lightweight, huh pal?” The girl laughed and roughly patted me on the back. Since when were we pals?!

“…Shut up. I’m just inexperienced, is all. I’m a model student! A model student!” I stated it twice for emphasis. “I just never had any reason to drink before, that’s all.” She gasped and then grinned from ear to ear.

“It’s your first time?! And you’re spending it alone in _this_ dump?!” She exclaimed. Mystia squawked in displeasure, but we both ignored her. “Nuh-uh, no way! We’re doing this right, and I’m gonna help you do it!” She stuck her hand in front of my face, the chains on her wrist clinking quietly as she did. “Name’s Ibuki Suika! Put ‘er there!” She chirped, happy grin not falling at all.

What was with this girl? I frowned and shook her hand. “…Hikigaya Hachiman.” She laughed, not at all displeased by my brusque demeanor. She pulled out the gourd once more and popped the cork from the top, took a long pull from the mouth, and then slammed it down in front of me.

“Nice to meet ya, Hachiman! Now drink up!” She gave me another dopey grin, slightly flushed this time. I stared at the gourd for a moment, then shrugged. If this was my old self, I’d be blushing up a storm about secondhand kisses or some nonsense. I grabbed the gourd, braced myself for the burn of strong alcohol, then took a swig and was pleasantly surprised. It had a hint of flowers and fruit to it that caused me to drink far more than I originally intended. I guess someone that carries booze with them wherever they go knows their stuff.

“…Wow. That’s actually pretty good.” Suika puffed her chest out in pride, as if complimenting her alcohol was the same as complimenting her. “And dangerous. I could probably finish off this whole bottle without even realizing it.” Suika laughed like I’d just told the funniest joke in the world.

“I don’t think we have to worry about that… but I’d love to see you try.” She said while wiping a tear from her eye.

Mystia silently began to cry.

* * *

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize the gourd wasn’t getting any lighter. By that point, my fate was already sealed. I was holding up remarkably well, considering how quickly I went from sober to drunk after that first cup. Mystia had passed out ages ago when Suika bullied her into drinking.

“How does that even work, anyways?” I gaped at her. “…What happens if it spills? Does it just pour out forever?” I was genuinely worried about the environmental effects this thing could have.

“I would never let that happen!” She cried. “That would be such a waste!” She paused for a second. “I did try to fill up a tub once to bathe in it… but it took too long, so I got bored and drank it all.” I shook my head.

“That shouldn’t make me feel better, but somehow it does…” I took another drink. I really should have stopped by this point, but I just couldn’t help myself. “Although… that might be the booze talking.” I was being far chattier than usual. Part of that was the booze, but I think it was mostly just Suika being easy to talk to. Granted, Suika was doing most of the talking, but the point stood.

“Ahahaha! There’s nothing wrong with that! Alcohol makes people honest! That’s part of what I like about drinking with new people.” Her smile looked a bit wistful and her gaze turned a bit unfocused as she gazed at the sky. At some point, we had faced away from the counter to stare at the stars. “I’m an oni, you know?” I did not know. I suppose I should have questioned the horns at some point. “We all lived underground for a long time, after we got sick of living with humans. There were some other youkai, but they mostly kept to themselves. It was just us most of the time.” She paused to take another drink and stayed silent for a moment too long.

“…” This was interesting information, but I didn’t really have anything to say. Meaningless platitudes and small talk just for the sake of small talk goes against everything I stand for, so hopefully she wasn’t expecting a response out of me. Eventually, she continued.

“…It didn’t really bother us much. Oni don’t really lie, so we end up butting heads with humans and youkai a lot. We can do that by ourselves and without causing an Incident, so why bother with them!” She laughed and took another quick drink before she continued. “At least, I guess that’s what we thought. You know, a lot of people think we can’t lie, but that’s not it at all! We just don’t see the point in it. We oni face _everything_ head-on, so obviously that includes talking to people! No tricks, no hidden meanings, just total honesty.” She tosses me the gourd and roughly pats my back again. “Drink up! Anyways, what do you think?”

“About what? What the hell would I know about oni?” I grumbled and sipped some more from the gourd. Wasn’t alcohol supposed to taste like paint thinner? If this is what Suika drinks all the time, then it’s no wonder she’s a lush.

“Ahahaha! Nothing, I guess! That’s fine, though. I don’t want to hear what you think about oni. Why do you think people lie to each other? Wouldn’t it be easier if everyone just said what they were thinking?” She sounded genuinely curious in my thoughts.

“Lying, huh… Well, it’s to protect themselves, I guess.” She was completely focused on me, so I elaborated more on my thoughts. “To put it another way, it’s because they’re afraid. It’s easy to say ‘Just be yourself! Anyone who doesn’t like you isn’t worth it anyways!’ to someone, but being alone is… hard.” I was sure that this time I was the one with a distant look in my eyes. How many times had I tried to fit in with other people only to be turned away? I thought I had moved on from those days, but isn’t that what I was doing now? Sure, I never confirmed it when Rumia and Mystia thought I was a youkai, but I never denied it either. I looked down at Mystia, peacefully snoring on the ground. She said she didn’t eat humans anymore, but was that really true? I thought so, but I wasn’t going to bet my life on the word of someone I had just met. “…Weak people have no choice but to lie if they want to protect themselves.” I mumbled self-deprecatingly to myself.

“You think so too, huh?” She smiled at me. “I’ve been thinking about that ever since I came to the surface. Oni are so strong compared to most people! I mean, I knew that already, but I didn’t really understand just _how_ much stronger we were until I started living up here on the surface. Even if someone gets mad at one of us, what are they going to do about it?” She chuckled sadly and the smile slipped off her face. “It’s easy to be honest when you’ve got nothing to lose. We oni moved underground and pat ourselves on the backs for centuries about how much better we are than everyone, and how nobody else gets it like we do.”

“…” Her words struck an uncomfortable chord in me. Wasn’t that what I had been doing? I couldn’t be pushed away, because I already pushed everyone away. My reputation couldn’t be trashed, because I already trashed it myself. I was invincible. I had curbed some of those habits thanks to the efforts of the Service Club, but I still felt the urge to sabotage any positive relationship I make with people. Suika continued talking before I could lose myself in my thoughts even further.

“But you know what? I don’t regret coming here! I made some good friends with the oni, but living there felt so… _empty_. There’s so many fun and interesting things in the world, and none of them care! All they want to do is drink and fight all day. That’s fun and all, but there’s so much more to do than just that! I want to see lots of new things! I want to meet lots of new people! I want to break through those stupid social barriers and really get to know someone, and I want them to know me too! I want… I want…” She fished around for the words but couldn’t quite find them.

“Something genuine.” I spoke those words without even intending to speak. She looked at me and laughed happily.

“Exactly! I can’t really explain it well, but that’s what I want! ‘Something genuine’, huh…” She rolled the words around her mouth and then grinned. “I like it! I want something genuine!” Hearing my own words echoed back at me caused a lump to appear in my throat. I wanted to say something to her but couldn’t find the words to say it with. Well, that’s not true. There’s only one thing I can say here.

“Oi, Suika. I’m human.” There’s no way I could let that lie hang in the air after hearing her say all of that. I wanted to trust her. She gave me a look that screamed ‘What the hell is this idiot talking about now?’

“Huh? What the hell are you talking about? I already knew you were a human!” She laughed. How cruel! It takes teenage boys a lot of courage to confess, and you just laughed it off! Well, not like it was a new experience for me. “Wait, were you pretending to be a youkai?” She stared at me while stroking her chin with her thumb and index finger. I tried and failed not to squirm under her gaze. “…Hmm. Nope. Not seeing it. If you really want to be mistaken for a youkai, then you should ask Reimu for some tips.”

“…Of course the first person to realize it is a drunk,” I grumbled. “and the completely sober youkai and questionably sober village guards take one look at my eyes and write me off as a man-eating monster.” Usually they get to know me first before calling me a monster.

“Yeesh, sounds like you’ve had it rough. But hey! Normally you outsiders get eaten, so lucky you!” If I was actually lucky, that wouldn’t have been a risk at all! “Outsider… Guess you’re heading for the shrine then, right?” She asked.

“…That asshole guard said something about a ‘scary as shit’ miko helping me out, so I guess?” Suika busted out laughing and pounded her hand against the counter. I nervously glanced at the cracks this was creating and chose to ignore it. I was sharing drinks with an oni. That point of no return had been crossed a long time ago. Speaking of which, I was starting to feel sick.

“Pfffft ahahahaha! Yep, that’s Reimu alright! She’s the one who gets outsiders back through the border.” Her smile dropped a bit. “Aw man… that kinda sucks. You’re a good drinking buddy. Hate to see you go so soon.” I actually felt a little touched at that. Just a little, though. “But hey, enough of that! We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I’ve been talking this whole time, so now it’s your turn! Let’s live up the time we’ve got and break down those barriers between us! Come on, come on! Spill your guts, Hachiman!” I turned my head away from her and threw up onto the ground. “Not… quite what I meant, but I like your spirit! Let’s see what kind of snacks Mystia’s got stashed away in this cart. I’ll take you to Reimu’s place later, but we’re not stopping this party until the sun comes up!”

Everything got a bit fuzzy after that.

* * *

“Hey.” Shhhh. No talky. Only sleepy. “Heeeeey!” Ugh. I really hoped they’d give up. I cracked my eyes open and instantly regretted it, as the light assaulted my eyes. I groaned and slammed my eyelids shut. Nope, I tried my best. Sorry mysterious voice, please try again later. “No, please, stay awake! Ran-sama will be so disappointed in me!” The tearful plea was what finally convinced me to wake up. Damn my big brother instincts. This time I slowly opened them and adjusted to the light as I went. It was still agony, but it was a bearable kind of agony. Sort of like Hiratsuka’s lectures. When I finally took a look at my surroundings, a large part of me wondered if I was still dreaming.

Cats. Everywhere I looked there was cats snoozing peacefully. I appeared to be in a run-down wood shack of some kind, but there wasn’t a single inch of floor uncovered by cats. Even I wasn’t safe. My upper body was propped against the wall opposite the door, but my lower body was covered in sleeping cats. This situation was not looking good for me. Wandering the death trap of a forest was one thing, but this situation was worse by multiple magnitudes. With these cats resting in my lap, there was no way I would be able to move and disrupt their sleep, meaning I would end up starving to death here while waiting for them to move!

Just kidding. Who the hell do you think I am?

I stood up and heartlessly startled the cats from their sleep. They sent me a baleful glare before taking residence on the patch of floor my lower body had warmed up and quickly went back to sleep. I tried my best to distract myself from the pounding headache throbbing in time with my heartbeat by investigating my surroundings some more. This was the second time I had woken up in a strange location with no memory of how I got there, but at least this time I had something to blame it on. It was still night, judging by the view of the sky through the hole in the roof. At least, I hoped it was the same night. Wait, wasn’t there someone else here? I didn’t have to look far to find them. A few inches away from me, I could see a familiar pair of horns sticking out of a snoring pile of cats. Nice to see Suika didn’t ditch me. Trapped in her arms, there was a teary-eyed little girl in a red dress and a green hat with fake cat ears attached to it. She paused from her attempts to extricate herself and sent me the most pitiful look I had ever seen in my life.

“Please… Help me…” She begged as her apparently real cat ears folded to her head. Somehow this only came as a mild surprise. I think I was finally building an immunity to this place.

Well, how can I refuse a request like that? I am a member of the Service Club, after all.

One short shuffle and a few irritated cats later, and I found myself standing over Suika. She was flat on her back with the aforementioned cat girl hugged tightly to her chest, snoring away without a care in the world. She was also nearly completely covered in cats. The only parts of her I could see was her horns, her stupid grin, and the arms that were currently imprisoning the cat girl. Hmm, how should I go about this? I suppose I’ll work my way down the list.

“Oi, Suika. Wake up.” I flatly said. Not even a twitch from her. Well, attempt number one is a failure, as I expected, but you can’t blame a guy for trying. Next I tried to pry her arms open to free the girl, with absolutely nothing to show for my efforts. No matter how hard I tried, I felt absolutely no give at all. I’m sorry Suika. I will have to resort to the forbidden technique which was banned in the Hikigaya household. “You leave me with no other choice. I am sorry it had to end this way.” I solemnly stated.

I put one hand over Suika’s mouth and then pinched her nose shut.

For a while there was no reaction, until she began wildly flailing around. Of course, I was smart enough to move away when I saw the first signs of movement. No way am I testing my delicate bone structure against an irritated oni’s fists. The cats were also smart enough to move away, although they were clearly unhappy with me. She shot up to her feet gasping for air, then glared when she saw my satisfied grin.

“What the hell, you bastard! What would you have done if I suffocated, huh?!” She demanded.

“…Remember you fondly?” I suggested.

“You wanna fight?” She raised her fist threateningly. Just as I prepared myself to give a groveling apology, she lost her steam when the flailing girl still pinned by her other arm made herself noticed. Suika looked down and grinned, then set the girl gently on her feet. “Hey, it’s you! Uh… Shen, right?” The girl pouted. Absolutely adorable.

“Chen is Chen! How many times do I have to tell you that?!” Chen grimaced. “Aw man, I smell like sake now. Wait, that’s not important! I have to get back and help prepare breakfast before Yukari-sama wakes up or Ran-sama will punish me again!” She pointed at Suika. “You’re awake now, so leave! No squatters!” She turned to me and smiled, then bowed politely. “Thanks for your help, mister! I’m supposed to kick the drunks out of here but Yukari-sama said I could invite them to breakfast if they’re nice, so you’re free to come with me if you want!” Ah~, this supreme cuteness. I should be wary of a youkai inviting me over for a meal, but I just can’t resist. Apparently, neither could Suika.

“Hoh? Breakfast, huh? That sounds great! Lead the way, shrimp!” Suika laughed and took a drink from her gourd. Drinking immediately after waking up from passing out after a night of drinking? That’s dedication. Chen cutely stomped her foot and cutely clenched both hands at her sides.

“Chen is not a shrimp! And I wasn’t inviting you!” Suika snorted and pushed open the door, only for it to immediately fall off its hinges. I was beginning to feel nervous about hanging around in this building for much longer.

“Ahh, details, details. Well, no problem! I know the way.” She walked off without looking back.

“Ah, geez… She never listens to me…” Chen pouted. I desperately wanted to ruffle her hair. Would it be like petting a cat? The curiosity was killing me. Ignoring my dilemma, Chen looked up at me and smiled. “Forget about that stinky drunk! Let’s get going!” And then she dashed to catch up with Suika, with me following close behind. I guess it was a given that I was visiting for breakfast, but it wasn’t like I was against it. I was genuinely afraid to see Chen’s disappointed face.

And thus, I was led by a youkai that looks like a little girl to an unfamiliar location with the promise of food for the second time in as many days.

I missed the days when my life made sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two! Nerofest took a lot of my time, but I did my best! Bet you weren't expecting Suika. The original plan was for him to go to the Hakurei shrine and get the cliche outsider infodump, but I wanted to write something more fun than that. I also wanted to tweak and edit this one a lot more, but as stated in the previous chapter, that's part of a bad habit I'm trying to break. Anyways, thanks for reading! Next chapter is Yakumo family shenanigans!


	3. Food for thought

I winced and shaded my eyes with my hand as I stepped out of the rundown shack and into the shining moonlight. Despite the dreary state of affairs in the village, the clear night sky gave it a sort of eerie beauty. High above our heads was a veritable sea of stars and celestial bodies, and a brightly shining crescent moon that clearly illuminated the dirt path we traveled on. Something equally beautiful, if not terrifying, was the glinting eyes belonging to the cats perched on the roofs of the rundown buildings, every single one of them staring directly at us as we walked. It was as if there was another night sky below the genuine article. Sadly, the dim light shining down was still bright enough to trigger the pounding headache I had only just managed to distract myself from.

“So,” I drawled, “You live here then?” I never thought of myself as spoiled, but as I walked through this decrepit village with stray cats everywhere I looked, it was hard not to wonder if this is what goes for a ‘rough neighborhood’ around these parts. I really hoped she didn’t actually live here. This was no place for a girl like Chen, possibly terrifying youkai or not! “Now that I mention it, where exactly is ‘here’?” I wondered aloud. Chen perked up at being addressed and pulled herself away from glaring at Suika, who was totally unbothered by Chen’s ire. “Oh, and uh, my name is Hikigaya Hachiman.” I tacked on at the end of my question. Truly I am the pinnacle of manners.

“Chen is Chen! And no way!” She giggled, “My home is _way_ nicer! This is just Mayohiga. People that get _really_ lost just sort of end up here. Yukari-sama tried to explain it to me once, but I didn’t really get it. Oh, but Ran-sama lets me keep my minions here!” She expansively gestured with her arm at the cats lining the buildings, “There used to be merchants and travelers that came through here, but lately it’s mostly been drunks. _Suika_ keeps ending up here because she’s dumb, and then I get stuck dealing with her until Ran has to come and save me.” I thought of her situation in the building. It makes sense she’d have no luck getting out of that grabby oni’s arms.

“It’s not my fault!” Suika cried, “Let’s see you try getting through that stupid forest after drinking all night! I swear that it’s alive!” Why is it that everything new I hear about that forest just scares me more?!

“I wouldn’t be in that situation in the first place because I’m not stupid!” Chen very maturely pointed out.

“Are you calling me stupid, shrimp?” Suika seemed to actually take notice of Chen’s insults for the first time.

“Chen is not a shrimp, idiot!” You really are, though. Not that Suika is any better off in the height department.

“I’m not an idiot, shorty!” Alright, that’s enough of this.

“Could you guys keep it down? My head is killing me here…” I had no idea how old these two actually were, but they sure as hell looked and acted like children. Suika laughed and said something about ‘newbies’ under her breath, but Chen lifted off of the ground and hovered directly in front of my face while staring me down with a concerned look on her face.

“Are you OK? Were you hurt?” She darted around while inspecting my head for any visible wounds. “I don’t see anything wrong… Oh, I know what to do!” She floated up until she was just above me, then softly both her hands palms-down on my forehead. “Pain, pain, fly away~!” She sang and tossed her hands up in the air. “All done! Do you feel better?” Then she gave me a blinding smile that hurt to look directly at. Of course, there’s only one possible answer I can give here.

“Yep. The pain’s all gone. Thank you, Chen.” I said with as much sincerity as I could inject while turning my head away from her to hide my flushing face. Chen proudly puffed her chest out and her smile took on a satisfied edge. How could a girl this pure exist?! Unfortunately, this gave Suika a clear look at my face. The sight of what was likely a truly impressive blush drove her into a fit of giggles. I cleared my throat and attempted to change the subject. “Back to what you were talking about, though. I’ve never heard of ‘Mayohiga’ before. Where in Japan are we, exactly?” At least I hoped we were in Japan. Sure, everyone I met spoke Japanese, but I hadn’t completely ruled out that this was an isekai.

“Ugh… I’m really no good at explaining that stuff.” Suika grimaced, “Easier to just let Reimu handle that part, ya know?” She explained. Chen however, had a growing look of excitement that only seemed to amplify after hearing that Suika wasn’t able to help.

“You’re an Outsider?!” She exclaimed, “That’s so cool!” It was hard not to find her excitement infectious. “I’ve never met a youkai from the Outside before!” Just like that, my excitement was replaced with disappointed resignation. Next to me, Suika was clutching her stomach from laughing so hard. “What’s so funny?! Ran-sama said that existing on the outside is difficult for youkai, so Hachiman must be a super strong youkai!” Chen defended me with all her might, not understanding why her words drove Suika into further hilarity and me into further despair.

“Ahahaha! I thought you were kidding when you said this keeps happening! Ahaha, oh no, my stomach, ahahaha!” Tears were running down her face as she clutched her stomach in genuine pain. Do me a favor and suffocate on your laughter, would you? Finish the job that I started!

“Look, about that… I’m actually a human.” I explained. Chen eyed me up and down, hummed to herself a bit, and then smiled at me. While I was satisfied that I had cleared up another misunderstanding before it could take root, Chen ruthlessly shattered my hopes with her next words.

“Come on, stop teasing me. I mean, your disguise is pretty good, but the eyes are way off!” Wow, I thought I was numb to those kinds of remarks but hearing it from Chen actually stings quite a bit! “Besides, you don’t even smell human. You can’t fool me! My nose is pretty good, you know?” Her ears and tails flicked as if to draw attention to them. Wait, something was off about that remark. What was it? I tried to think about it, but the hangover was making thinking rather difficult. Well, whatever. I tried, moving on now. Meanwhile, Suika was still wheezing with laughter.

“Can you please explain what you mean by ‘Outside’? People keep saying that like I should know what it means.” I grumbled. Chen looked practically scandalized.

“That’s because you should!” Chen responds, “How did you even get here without knowing where you are?” I opened my mouth to respond, but Chen cut me off, “Anyways, you’re in Gensokyo! The ‘Outside’ is anything that’s outside the barrier that surrounds Gensokyo. Supposedly it’s way easier for youkai and gods and stuff to live here than it is out there, so that’s why everyone all moved here. That was before I was born though, so I’ve been here my whole life.” Wait, so that means… this isn’t an isekai! Technically, anyways. I’m just in some weird hidden society. The relief of that thought left me feeling lighter than I had felt in years. “The barrier keeps people from getting into Gensokyo, and it keeps people from getting out too.” Annnnd the relief was gone once I realized I was still stuck here. Noticing my growing distress, Suika chose that moment to finally stop laughing and chime in.

“Don’t worry, that’s why we’re heading to Reimu’s place after this. She gets Outsiders through the barrier all the time!” She paused, “Well, not really ‘all the time’, since you guys usually die, but she’s definitely done it a few times!” Right, I almost forgot. Not only am I stuck in some weird hidden society, it’s also an insane death world. Thank you for the reminder!

“Eh? You’re leaving?” Chen asked, “But why? It’s way better here! At least, that’s what Ran-sama says, and she’s always right!”

“I’ve got family out there that will worry if I just disappear. Well, a sister anyways.” I’d be surprised if my parents even noticed. Chen smiled sadly at that.

“Ah, I understand. Family is important.” I nodded at that, and our walk continued in silence. Right up until Suika opened her mouth again.

“Yeah, your _youkai family_ is really important.” She said and then broke into continued laughter. I groaned and Chen just stared confused at her.

* * *

  
Even looking back, I’m unable to pinpoint when exactly we left the village and entered… wherever this place was. One moment I was walking down an open-air dirt path, the next I found myself in a room that wouldn’t feel out of place in your typical Japanese home. There was a sharp chill to the place that contrasted with the stifling warmth that I had been walking in just moments before. The floors were an expensive looking hardwood, and the walls were decorated in a warm brown. To the right of where we came in, there was a spot where you could place your shoes before proceeding further into the building. You could be fooled into thinking this was a normal home, so long as you didn’t look out the way you came in from. Through the doorway leading outside, there was what appeared to be an inky black void that the light from the room failed to penetrate. Worse than the feeling of fear at being trapped in the void forever was the sensation of something out there watching me. For a moment, it threatened to overwhelm me. However, Suika and Chen were completely unfazed by the change in scenery. The moment we entered the room, Chen dropped to all fours, and sprinted past the corner at the end of the room and out of sight before I could even muster up a reaction. The quickly fading cries of ‘Ran-sama’ reaching me from the entrance was the only thing breaking the silence, until Suika spoke up from beside me.

“Geez… Such a kid.” Suika shook her head with a smirk. That smirk fell when she noticed my deadpan glance. “Don’t give me that look! How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not a kid!” She pouted, “I’ll have you know that I am…” She stopped to count on her fingers for a moment, but quickly ran out of fingers to use. _Really_ not helping showcase your maturity here, Suika. “OK, so I don’t remember. But it’s been centuries, at least!” Ohoho, centuries hm? Could this be a rare case of a 1,000-year-old loli? Sorry Suika, but even if that’s the case, that kind of trope is just no good.

“This is the first time you’ve brought it up, actually.” I say instead of voicing my actual thoughts aloud.

“What are you- Oh. Ohhh!” A strange mix of understanding, amusement, and sadness showed on her face. “You forgot! How could you forget?!” She points a tiny finger at my face that likely holds the power to crush my skull, “Ugh! This is why newbies are the worst! Just when you think they can hold their liquor, they go and pull this crap. Unbelievable!” She glared at me, “I’ll let it slide this time, but it better not happen again!” She stomped ahead with her arms folded, the ground shaking underneath my feet with every step she took. I rolled my eyes while following a good distance behind her. I can’t believe I ever thought she was scary.

She turned the corner and I followed… and once again found myself experiencing more magical bullshit. I found myself alone in dimly lit hallway that stretched on without an end in sight. The walls on either side were plain and featureless, save for the dim lights illuminating the area. Just looking at the area evoked a feeling of dread in me, as if I would be doomed to wander forever if I was careless enough to intrude. Demonstrating my incredible trope-savviness, I immediately gave up that hallway as a lost cause and turned back towards the entrance. Like hell I’m ignoring those glaring red flags. To my luck, Chen had returned at some point and was worriedly looking around the entrance. As I approached, her ears perked up and she spun around and beamed at me with utter relief.

“Oh thank goodness! I forgot to tell you to wait here for me!” She looked around a bit more. “Where did Suika go? Did she leave?” She rushed up to me and grabbed my arm. “Anyways, that doesn’t matter. Come on, Ran-sama says it’s OK for you to eat with us!” Without any further warning, she took off and nearly pulled my arm out of its socket. We turned the same corner that I was nearly lost in moments ago, but this time I found myself in a homey living room. The room was tastefully decorated with a mishmash of items from different cultures and time periods that somehow managed to blend chaos together into perfect harmony. In the center of the room, there was a large kotatsu set with plates and silverware for five people on the edges.

Chen let go of me and shot under the kotatsu. Moments later, her face stuck out of the other end, with a content look on her face. Cute~. Moments later, a woman came through the doorway at the other end of the room with steaming dishes of food in her hands. Trailing behind her were nine luxuriously fluffy blonde tails, each one balancing another dish. The telltale twitches from underneath her hat caused me to raise an eyebrow. Fox ears, probably. Wow, I really was getting numb to this place’s nonsense! The woman placed the dishes on top of the kotatsu and gained a look of fond exasperation when she noticed Chen by her feet.

“Chen, what I have said about- Oh.” She noticed me and her face slipped into an expression that was purely professional. She folded her arms into her sleeves and gave me a shallow nod. “Hello. Welcome to the Yakumo household. I am Yakumo Ran, shikigami of Yakumo Yukari.” Hoh, a family name? Suika was the only one other person I had met so far that gave me a family name, and she had laughed in my face when I tried to call her Ibuki-san. I very quickly realized that manners were wasted on her in many ways.

“Ah, Hikigaya Hachiman. Pleasure to meet you, Yakumo-san.” My deeply ingrained Japanese manners kicked in without me realizing and I bowed just a bit deeper than her and referred to her with her family name. This was a good thing, because the rhythmic sway of her tails was making it rather hard to focus on anything else. She politely smiled, seeming not at all bothered by my wandering eyes. I thought for sure she was going to hit me with a ‘My eyes are up here.’

“’Ran’ is fine. Chen tells me that you are to thank for freeing her from the ‘drunk muscle-head’.” She spoke with a hint of dry humor. As she looked around the room, her smile evaporated into a more thoughtful look. “Speaking of, would you happen to know where she went? She is not one to walk away from the promise of free food.” I don’t think she was promised that at all, actually. Chen seemed perfectly happy to see her disappear.

“That… I’m not sure, to be honest. I followed her around a corner and the next thing I knew I was alone in some spooky endless hallway. I decided discretion was the better part of valor and turned back.” I shrugged. I’ve played PT. I know better than to wander strange hallways. Ran sighed and covered her face with a palm.

“Not again… Just once, you would think she would learn her lesson.” She sighed. Sorry Ran, but I can safely say that I would never think that about Suika. “At least you had enough sense not to wander the danmaku hallway.” The what now? “I suppose I must fetch her before she starts breaking down the walls.” A faint tremor shook the room and nearly sent a dish sliding off the kotatsu, until Ran caught it with one of her tails and placed it back. Ran sighed again. It’s impressive how expressive she is with those. “Breaking down _more_ walls, I suppose. Please excuse me.” Without waiting for a response, she strode off at a brisk pace through the door she came from and left me alone with Chen, the ensuing silence accompanied by additional faint tremors every few seconds.

There’s a specific feeling that everyone has experienced at least once in their lifetimes. It’s that feeling you get when you’re a guest in someone else’s home and they leave you to your own devices. Presumably they expect you to wait patiently, or perhaps they never actually considered what you’re supposed to do in the first place. I looked over at Chen, but she was perfectly content to soak in the kotatsu’s warmth in blissful silence. No help there. That means I was truly alone. In an effort to save myself from boredom, I looked around the room and pretended to be intrigued by the decorations. Wow, a rug. Wonder what it’s made out of. Polyester, maybe? Truly a mystery for the ages. Isn’t that fucking _fascinating_? Finally, Chen benevolently deigned to save me from myself.

“You can sit down if you want!” She said with a smile. She patted the floor near her and smiled at the confused look I sent at the kotatsu. “Yukari-sama said it was a waste to have a kotatsu and a table for meals, so now we eat out here! But then it got too hot to use so Yukari-sama made it so that it’s always cold enough here to use it year-round. Ran-sama always gets this really distant look when I talk to her about it.” Amazing. I somehow found myself relating to both this Yukari person _and_ Ran in this scenario. As I moved towards the kotatsu, I decided to ask for clarification on something Ran said before.

“By the way, what’s a ‘danmaku hallway’? Besides creepy, I mean.” Because honestly, that hallway was sending up more death flags than the death trap forest.

“Oh! That’s for intruders! Anybody who gets in without Ran-sama’s or Yukari-sama’s permission gets stuck in there so we can kick them out. I asked Ran-sama why we didn’t just make it so people can’t come in, but she got this distant look on her face and said, ‘I wish I knew, Chen.’” Her face turned sheepish, “I was supposed to make you wait until I could ask Ran-sama, but I forgot. I’m sorry!” She clapped her hands together and bowed her head to me. Chen, what are you doing? You don’t have to apologize to someone like me. You would have to do much worse things for me to request an apology from someone as adorable as you. I’m not even certain I have it in me to be angry at you in the first place. I plopped down and moved to get comfortable under the kotatsu.

“It’s fine. Not like I…” As I lifted the blanket of the kotatsu to seat myself under it, my brain ceased all activity at what I saw. A pair of legs in a frilly lilac dress sticking out of what appeared to be a crack in reality, which in turn was filled with eyes floating in a featureless black void. After a moment of staring in shock, the eyes in the gap swiveled to me and stared me down. Slowly, I lowered the blanket and decided to give the kotatsu up as a lost cause. It wasn’t nearly cold enough in here that I was willing to deal with that. For a moment I simply stared off into space as I once more questioned my new place in reality.

“What’s wrong, Hachiman?” Chen asked, looking genuinely curious. Before I could pull an answer out of my ass, the sound of approaching footsteps caught both our attention.

“Oh, is there a problem?” Ran had entered the room with Suika walking shortly behind her. Suika cheerily waved at me and then plopped down on the ground across from Chen and began drinking. “Is this about the kotatsu? I keep telling Yukari-sama that it’s not suitable for meals, but she never listens to me.” Sorry Ran, but that doesn’t even register on my newfound scale of weirdness.

“So long as a problem doesn’t cause problems, it can’t be called a problem.” I wisely stated instead of answering her question. In response, Ran simply raised an eyebrow. Time for a subject change. “You know, Suika… When you talked about breaking down the walls between us, I didn’t think you meant that literally.” Suika snorted at my dry remark and then immediately brightened up.

“So you _do_ remember!“ She grinned happily at me, “The important parts, anyways. What’s the last thing you…?” She started to ask but she trailed off when she noticed Chen muttering to herself.

“’-doesn’t cause problems, it can’t be called a problem.’” Chen spoke in a low voice, likely trying to imitate me. “So cool~!” She praised, with no regards to me writhing in embarrassment. Suika nodded in agreement but Ran slowly turned her head towards me while giving me a cool stare that made me feel like the scum of the earth. After a moment of coldly staring me down, she delivered her question.

“Do you… have any idea how hard it is for me to prevent Yukari-sama from filling Chen’s head with ideas?” Ran asks, a tinge of frost coating her words. “No, of course not. In less than a _day_, you risk undoing all of my efforts by filling her head with idiocy like this?” How was I supposed to know she would imitate me? Nobody imitates me, and for good reason! She stared me down for a moment longer, leaving me too afraid to even fidget, before sighing and putting her face in her hands. The tension evaporated like mist in the morning sun. “Oh, who am I kidding? I was never going to succeed in that endeavor.” She complained.

“Mmmm, you know, you could stand to relax a little. Listen to our young human friend here. He’s quite wise beyond his years!” A mysterious voice came from next to my ear as a strange weight settled on my shoulder. I looked to my left, and once again found myself stunned into silence. Well… It appears that I found that the other half. In a stunning reversal of my previous situation, I now find myself staring at the upper half of a woman sticking out of a crack in reality, this time resting her weight on my shoulder. “Hmm… At least I _think_ he’s human. He does have a rather inhuman aura surrounding him. You may be on to something about not having him around Chen.” Her purple eyes swiveled to meet mine, and I found myself feeling distinctly uncomfortable as she searched for something in my gaze without an ounce of subtlety.

“Haa~, _someone_ needs to do work around here.” Ran groused, “I’ve long given up hope on that person being you.” The strange woman turned away from studying me so as to properly laugh at Ran, but not quickly enough for me to miss the spark of interest in her eyes. I must have forgotten to look away, because moments later she turned to me with a mischievous smile.

“Kyaa~, this vile man is undressing me with his eyes! Protect my innocence, Ran!” The woman clasped her hands together and wriggled her body in place. The only reaction she received from the room was a look of tired resignation from Ran. The woman hung her head in disappointment, while Chen pat her legs sympathetically from under the kotatsu. “You’re all no fun.” She looked back at me. “Yakumo Yukari. Pleasure, etc.” She greeted me in what was possibly the most half-assed manner I had ever experienced.

“Hikigaya Hachiman. Same.” I spoke without decorum. If she’s not going to bother, then I don’t see why I should. Rather than be offended, Yukari instead looked delighted.

“Perfect! There’s no need for something as silly as ‘manners’ here. Save it for those stuffy old youkai with nothing better to do than dabble in politics.” She laughed. I very carefully did not point out the fact that she was likely far older than me. “So! What brings you here, Hachi-chan?” Annnd we’ve already skipped straight to nicknames.

“Well, Yukari, I-” A scandalized gasp interrupted me mid-sentence.

“How rude! I don’t remember giving you permission to call me by my given name!” She spoke with false shock on her face. Oh, but ‘Hachi-chan’ is OK? Ah well, I guess that’s fair. I suppose I had gotten used to the informality of this place, even if I didn’t particularly care how people called me.

“Apologies. Then, Yakumo-sa-“ I was interrupted once more.

“Oh, please, call me Yukari. We’re all friends here!” She beamed happily at me.

“…I’m here for breakfast.” I stated simply. It’s best not to give any ammunition to people like this. God, I just woke up and I already feel exhausted dealing with her.

“That’s right! I brought him here!” Chen said, finally managing to escape from the warmth of the kotatsu and form something resembling proper posture.

“Ah, bringing in strays. It’s nice to see Chen upholding such a time-honored Yakumo tradition.” She smiled at Chen, who puffed her chest out in pride. Rather than be mad, I was actually impressed that she managed to insult me, Chen, and Ran all in the same sentence.

“Hachiman was passed out in Mayohiga with Suika and my minions! He helped me!” Chen babbled in the same way all children do when trying and failing to tell a story. Yukari smiled dotingly and ruffled her hair, to my jealousy. Judging by the smug look Yukari sent me, she knew it too. Suika chimed in from her one-woman debauchery.

“Heh, yeah, I found him drunk and ranting over at Mystia’s stand. It seemed like fun, so I joined him. He’s a total rookie, though! Never had a single drink! Can you believe that?” She laughed, “Anyways, turns out he’s an Outsider, so I was gonna swing by Reimu’s with him so he could get home. I guess we got a little sidetracked, though.” She scratched the back of her head in embarrassment. Any continued form of conversation was cut off though, as between one breath and the next, Yukari had slipped into her gap and popped up from another one that formed in front of me.

“Oi, what the hell are you doing, woman?!“ I bit off another retort when she met my eyes without a trace of humor.

“Quiet.” She ordered. My mouth clicked shut, and she continued her silent inspection for several long seconds. “…Hmm. How strange.” She spoke this more to herself than anyone in the room. A moment later, she was back where she sat earlier with the same thoughtful look on her face. “How long have you been in Gensokyo? How did you get here?” She addressed me with no nonsense in her tone.

“Gensokyo? Um, I think I woke up here yesterday morning… Or maybe it was this morning. I’m not really sure. I uh, had a lot to drink.” I admitted, almost rambling by this point. It was becoming increasingly difficult to think through the pain in my head. Suika laughed at that comment, but Yukari simply hummed in acknowledgment. “As for how I got here… I’m not sure. I just woke up in a forest I’ve never been to before.” There was a longer moment of silence as Yukari thoughtfully tapped a fan against her chin.

“I see. How interesting!” Yukari laughed and gave me a close-eyed smile. “You’re not one of mine!” She opened her eyes to look at me, and this time the spark of interest I noticed before had multiplied by a concerning amount.

“Ugh, he’s one of those, huh? These are always messy.” Suika grimaced, seemingly not caring about how ominous such a statement was. “Any clue how he even got here?” She pulled out her gourd and occupied herself with her drinking.

“I have no idea!” Yukari laughed, sounding legitimately pleased at the thought. “Well, I suppose that’s not true. I have _some_ ideas, but nothing conclusive. Nothing I particularly feel in the mood for dealing with, either.” She hummed thoughtfully, “I suppose I can’t just leave it alone, though. Tell you what, Hachi-chan. I’ll open up a gap and send you home, right here and now. You’ll be home and I’ll no longer have to deal with whatever problems you brought with you. Everybody wins. It’s a good deal for everybody. Now, where are you from?” She continued on, not at all caring for my input in the matter.

“Chiba.” I said, just wanting to be done with all of this as quickly as possible.

“Ah, nice place. Rather boring, but quite nice and clean. I’d say it’s your polar opposite, now that I think about it.” Wow, OK, sitting right here! She sliced an index finger in the air, and another crack in reality formed directly in front of me, this time lacking the multitude of eyes that filled her previous examples. “Step through my gap there and you’ll be… er, somewhere near Chiba. The specifics don’t matter.” said the spider to the fly.

“I’m _really_ feeling like the specifics matter.” I muttered petulantly. A fresh wave of annoyance precipitated another spike of pain into my brain, this time forcing me to grit my teeth.

“Oh, man up, would you? Ah! I never get to say that anymore. Too many women in Gensokyo these days.” She tittered, then shot me an annoyed look. “Are you still here? Please leave. I am a busy woman.” She made a shooing motion with her right hand. Suika simply waved happily from her spot. Ugh, the annoyance of dealing with Yukari any longer was beginning to outweigh my fear. I stood up and cautiously took a step towards the gap, but I paused as I heard an ominous creaking sound. “Ran!” Yukari’s voice snapped across the room, and suddenly I found myself pulled backwards by several fluffy fox tails and neatly deposited several feet away. Not even a second later, the gap shattered into several shards of void that cut through the floor like a knife through butter before disappearing entirely. A groan pulled my attention to Yukari. She looked rather pale as she massaged her forehead.

“That… was rather a good deal more violent than expected.” Yukari stated, “Well. I suppose this one is on me. Theory confirmed, I suppose.” She grimaced, then looked up at me once more, “You woke up in the forest, you said. How long were you there for?” She was back in interrogation mode.

“Um… a few hours?” I was staring at the perforations in the floor, still in shock at how close I had just come to dying. The thought sent several fresh lances of pain through my brain. “Rumia gave me directions.” I grit out, trying to mask how badly the pain was getting to me. Yukari studied my face for several moments and then gave a distinctly unladylike snort.

“’Rumia’ he says!” She shook her head in exasperation, “Hm… A few hours. Please correct me if I am wrong, but you don’t strike me as much of an outdoors type.” My silence seemed to confirm her assumption, “And yet, after hours of bumbling your way around a dangerous magical forest, you don’t have even a single smudge of dirt on you.” She hummed. I looked down to verify this, not seeing a single mark from my time in the woods. “Even your outfit shows no signs of wear and tear. Minus some wrinkles, you look as if you just threw on a fresh set of clothes.” I pat myself down, only to see that she was correct. There weren’t even any signs of the sweat on my undershirt that had soaked through after leaving the forest. Why didn’t I notice? Another spike of pain in my head, this time less severe than before. No, well, there was a lot going on. Little details like that weren’t really on the forefront of my mind. It’s only natural I missed some things. “Have you had anything to eat since you arrived?” She continued onto another tangent while my mind spun from trying to keep up.

“I had a lamprey skewer?” I stated it more as a question, “I’m not… not actually sure what’s up with that. I don’t really remember that well, but I think Suika stole us some snacks from Mystia’s stand?” I shot a questioning look at Suika, but she simply gave me a confused look in return.

“Uhh, don’t you remember? No, I guess you wouldn’t. So that was when…” She trailed off into indistinct mumbles before shaking her head and speaking up. “Nah, I didn’t find any snacks. Just a bunch of stuff that had to be cooked, and neither of us wanted to do it.” She said. That _does_ sound like me… “You said you were fine, so I didn’t worry too much about it at the time.” Suika spoke this part hesitantly, seemingly realizing there was more to that than she first thought. Receiving the confirmation she sought, Yukari continued on once more.

“So you had a single skewer of lamprey after walking around all day, yet you don’t appear to be hungry in the slightest.” My stomach chose that moment to let out a truly impressive growl, to everyone’s amusement but my own. “I stand corrected! Although, it is strange that your appetite only made itself known after having attention called to it. Were you even aware of your hunger?” I wasn’t. Until I had the thought ‘I should be hungry’, I didn’t feel hungry at all. “What of drink?” Yukari asked. Suika opened her mouth, but Yukari silenced her with a wry look. “And no, I don’t mean sake.” Suika closed her mouth. “The weather has begun to cool a bit, but it’s still quite warm. Hydration is important in this weather. Did you have any water, or anything at all besides sake to drink?” I hadn’t. I had passed a few streams in the forest, but I was too wary of any possible bacteria in it to actually drink any.

“Where are you going with all of this?” I asked in lieu of answering her. A knot had been forming in the pit of my stomach the longer she talked, while the pain in my head was actually lowering in intensity.

“Oh~, I believe you already know quite well where this is leading up to. Subconsciously, that is.” She smiled once more at me, but at some point her smile had gone from teasing to openly cruel and mocking. “I suppose I’ve danced around the issue long enough. One last question, then; Tell me of your life outside of Gensokyo. Do you feel fulfilled with daily life? Would you say you are satisfied?”

“I-“ I tried to answer, but it was hard to speak around the sudden lump in my throat. I wanted to say I was, just to shut her up. Sure, life sucks, but who cares? It sucks for everybody, right? Besides, I had the Service Club now. I had two friends who were willing to work with me to grant my request. I wasn’t sure how to bridge the ever-widening gap between us that only I could feel, but I just needed more time! I also had a wonderful little sister waiting for me to come home. Sure, she’s been at home less frequently due to her expanding social life, but she still needs me… right? I can handle anything life throws at me so long as I have them. Right? “I-“ If so, then why can’t I answer her?! Damn her and damn that knowing smirk!

“Can’t give me a straight answer? Then allow me to fill in the blanks!” She leaned out of her gap at the kotatsu and leered in my direction. “I think I can make a pretty accurate assessment of your social life. Let’s see… I think I’ll go with… unpopular at school, distant family, annoying teachers, and peers who just don’t understand you. Am I close?” Damn her. Damn her! “Still nothing to say to me? What of your dreams and aspirations?” My teeth were clenched so hard I could hear them creaking. “Ah, you don’t have any, do you? Likely just hoping things will work themselves out, then. You’re not going to be a child forever, you know.” She scoffed, “Face it. You’re too cowardly to even take your fate into your own hands. When are you planning to stop running away? Ha. Chi. Man.” I finally felt what little restraint I had left escape me completely as my vision turned red from her mocking tone.

“Shut the fuck up.” I felt my face twist into a harsh sneer, and I refused to look away from Yukari’s cold mocking eyes. In the face of my anger, she merely laughed.

“Oh my, so you _do_ have a spine! I suppose you had to have at least one remarkable feature.” She mused.

“You’re wrong!” My hands spasmodically clenched and my sides. She just continued looking amused.

“Wrong about the spine, or the other stuff?” She joked, “It’s all true, though. Face it, even you know it. You ran from society’s expectations. You ran from your family’s expectations. You ran from your peer’s expectations. You ran and ran and ran and _ran_, until eventually you chose to flee from reality itself!” My head recoiled back from the near-physical force of those words. There was a sound of something snapping in my head. Something clicked into place that I hadn’t been aware existed until now. With the sensation came a cold form of clarity. “Rejecting the world and being rejected by it in turn,” Stop it. “you found yourself with nowhere else to go _but_ here.” Stop it. “Not satisfied with the ordinary life of a coward, you fled once more to the _extraordinary_ life of a coward. You ran away to Gensokyo.” Stop it! “It’s fitting in a way, I suppose. This land of fantasies is perfect for one as deluded as yourself.” She laughed harshly, the sound like nails on a chalkboard to me.

“Knock it off!” I raised my voice and slammed my hands on the table, jostling the several plates and silverware. At some point, without realizing I had crossed the room to be right in her face. The part of me that was afraid to anger this dangerous woman was ruthlessly stomped down by the cold fury in my head. How _dare_ she pull this shit on me? On _me_, of all people! A distant part of my brain wondered at everyone else’s reactions, but I was hyper focused on the clear derision on Yukari’s face.

“Ohhh~? What’s wrong, Hachi-chan? Are you running away again?” She laughed. It wasn’t a nice laugh. “Face reality, for once in your life! Rather than confront your problems, you chose to run away. Nobody kidnapped you, nobody forced you to come here, you’re only in this situation because of your cowardice! In the end, you’re nothing but a sad, pathetic, useless human that became so good at running away from their problems that they gained _actual magic_ out of it!” She laughed in my face.

“I said stop it, god damn it!” I yelled, resisting the urge to say or do more. That wouldn’t help in this situation. Even after figuring out what was going on, I still wanted to reach over and throttle this woman.

“Stop what, _Hachi-chan_?” Her smile twisted even further, seeming to find a sick joy at my displeasure. “I’m only telling you the truth! Isn’t that what you want? Would you rather I tell you a pleasant lie? A fanciful bedtime story of how you tried your best and that nothing was your fau-” I spoke over her before she could keep going.

“That’s not what I meant.” I spoke with ice in my voice. “What I _want_ is for you to quit trying to trick me into hating you. I don’t know what your game is, but it’s not going to work. _So stop it_.” Yukari’s cruel smile slid off her face like raindrops down a window. For a moment, there was crushing silence in the room, only interrupted by the sounds of clinking silverware. Ran and Suika had begun eating totally unbothered at some point during our conversation, while Chen was nibbling on some fish while staring wide-eyed at us. Finally, after a long and uncomfortable moment of thick tension, Yukari sighed and collapsed into a boneless heap on the table top.

“This is why I hate clever humans… ” She grumbled, “Never quite clever enough to see the big picture, but still clever enough to muck it all up.” As she spoke, several small gaps opened underneath several items of food and stacked them neatly onto her plate. “Are you quite certain? I don’t particularly mind. It truly is in your best interests, I’ll have you know.” She offered, her casual tone completely at odds with the sheer menace in her tone she had shown just moments ago. I took a deep breath, held it in, then let it out, feeling the last of the tension go with it.

“If I don’t get to do it anymore, then neither do you.” I spoke with good humor that I didn’t quite feel. She chuckled anyways.

“’Anymore’, hm? You’ll have to share that story with me at some point.” She sighed, and then tucked into her food without another word. Feeling more awkward than angry at that point, I seated myself and loaded my own plate up with food. It really did smell delicious. Chen looked worriedly between Yukari and I as we silently ate our meal, but she eventually smiled brightly and proceeded to grab even more fish. Moments later, Ran slid some vegetables her way, the silent reprimand on her face making her intent clear. Suika just tore through plate after plate, pausing only to take a hearty drink from her gourd, looking as totally unbothered as she always did. The meal continued on in much the same manner under the unspoken agreement to save any further conversation for afterwards.

All in all, not the worst meal I’ve ever had.

* * *

  
“Alright, I’ll be the one to start. What was the point of all that?” I asked after everyone had finished their food. I was maybe a bit cranky over not being able to try the fried tofu. Ran actually growled at me when I tried to grab some!

“Mmm… Well, everything I said was true to some degree.” She adopted a thoughtful look from where she sat. She had gone from hanging out of her gap to submersing herself under the kotatsu until only her head was sticking out. “I suppose my guesses on your personal life were assumptions on my part, but I doubt I was too far off. I have a good eye for these things.” Yes yes, I’m a creepy loner, I’ve heard it before. “After seeing your reaction to one of my gaps, I can all but guarantee you came here through your own ability. Admittedly, this is no small feat for a human of this day and age.” She admitted with reluctant admiration, “It’s likely you have some variant of a negation ability. Denial, maybe?” She looked in my eyes, “No, that’s not it. Rejection, perhaps?” I flinched minutely as another minor twinge ran through my head. “Bingo~! We have a winner~!”

“Rejection, huh…” The feeling of _rightness_ at the word further confirmed the theory. I guess it could be worse… I could have some chuuni ability like black flames that are destined to turn the world to ash or something. “Does this have anything to do with the migraines?” I wondered aloud.

“Migraines? Interesting. I suppose it’s not unexpected, especially if this has only recently manifested. You were leaning on it rather heavily, whether you knew it or not.” She sighed again, “Truthfully, your ability is rather inconvenient for your situation. Normally I would simply send you on your way back through the border, but it won’t work in this case.”

“Ah, yeah, I’d like to avoid being skewered by your spooky eldritch portal if that’s alright with you.” I said only half-jokingly. Yukari glared at me.

“How rude! And besides, that’s not what I meant at all. Don’t take me for a rank amateur. The only reason you received such a violent reaction is because I had you pegged for a simple negation ability and adjusted my gap accordingly. Believe me, it will not happen again.” She stated confidently, “No, the reason why it won’t work in your case is because you’ll simply end up right back here again. If it’s happened once, then it will certainly happen again; only this time it will be easier since a connection has now been established between you and Gensokyo.”

“I see.” I grimaced, “Then what options does that leave me with?” Pushing my freak outs for later had done me well so far, so it would continue to do so. A quick twinge in my head left me wondering if that was truly the case.

“Well, you could choose to live here in Gensokyo-“ She started.

“Pass.” I interrupted her. “Loner or not, I do have people that are going to be worried about me if I just disappear like that.” Probably.

“Hmph.” She pouted. “Then in that case, I’m afraid there are no simple answers to your dilemma. Your abilities are raw and well beyond your control and will likely remain as such for the foreseeable future. If any youkai decide to take a bite out of you, then there is remarkably little you could do to stop them.” I gulped at that. I really had been lucky to not run into any problems so far. How long would that luck hold up? “It seems you understand the situation. Next time, you may not be so fortunate. Gensokyo may be a paradise for those who have nowhere else they can live, but it is dangerous to those too weak to defend themselves. Gensokyo has welcomed you, for better or worse. So long as you continue not to reject it, then it shall _always_ welcome you.” And suddenly, it all made sense.

“Is _that_ why you were being such a bitch? To try and get me to ‘reject Gensokyo’? That’s a terrible plan!” I accused. At that, she looked annoyed with me.

“It would have worked! What else was I to do? Ask you to stop to rejecting the Outside? No, I know better than to ask such a thing of you, or anyone else.” Her eyes turned a bit unfocused at that, and I had the distinct feeling I was witnessing something I wasn’t supposed to see. Assuming that wasn’t her plan, of course. These Haruno types are tricky like that. Eventually, I decided that this conversation was over, and it was time to get going.

“Well, thanks for-” I paused as I stood up. Breakfast? Dinner? What do you call this? “…the food.” I finished lamely. Ran simply nodded and Yukari smiled magnanimously. Chen had run off somewhere the instant she was dismissed from the table. Suika was content with stress testing her liver while watching our little byplay. “I guess… I guess I’ll keep heading for the shrine then. I know that it’s a risk, but I don’t have much of a choice. I’ll be in serious shit if my parents noticed I’m gone.” I winced at that thought. Komachi in particular has always made it a point to wait up for me if I’m going to be out late. She must be worried sick. The worst part is I couldn’t even tell her truthfully that I wasn’t in danger. My head was still a mess from the revelations of tonight, but that’s no excuse to drag other people down with my problems. “Suika, I give you the dubious honor of being my escort.” Except for Suika, that is. Suika laughed and nodded, then hopped to her feet to follow after me, but we both paused when Yukari held a hand up.

“Now hold on just one moment.” Yukari started with a false authoritative tone that nobody was buying for a second. “I believe we need to speak about your behavior before you go cutting another swath of terror throughout Gensokyo. I may not be an administrator in any official manner, but I still consider protecting this land as one of my most sacred and important duties.” Suika snorted loudly at that, and Yukari continued on as if she heard nothing. “You have been here for a _day_, and in that time you have managed to deceive several poor young youkai, terrorized the humans in the human village, disturbed the residents of this land with your drunken debauchery, shown up on _my doorstep_ to eat _my_ food, corrupted sweet young Chen, made life difficult for poor Ran, and even caused damage to my property!” I stared deadpan at her waiting to see where this was leading up to, but it seemed she had no plans to continue without me humoring her first.

“OK. Disregarding how you intentionally phrased every single one of those things to paint me in the worst possible light, what do you want?” I asked, completely done with Yukari’s nonsense. She instantly dropped the phony serious look and adopted a wide smile.

“You have my honest admiration! Normally it takes much longer for new residents to accrue a record like yours. Would you like to stay here? I assure you it’s no trouble for me.” Ran sighed loudly. “Quiet, Ran. You’re being rude.” She chided half-heartedly. Truthfully, I wanted to sigh as well.

“That’s… ‘nice’ of you, but I told you that I’m not really looking to stay in Gensokyo.” I declined. Besides that, I know a deal with the devil when I see one.

“Let me finish! Since you won’t let me trick you into staying out of Gensokyo, the only option open to you is gaining some form of control over your abilities to prevent yourself from sliding back here. _That_ is something I can help you with.” My eyebrows shot up. “And by that, I mean that is something _Ran_ can help you with.” Ran sighed loudly. “Quiet, Ran. You’re being rude.” She chided once more. How does Ran live with this woman?

“Again, that… _seems_ nice of you, which is suspicious all by itself.” I narrowed my eyes at her, “That still doesn’t address the immediate concern of keeping my friends and family from worrying about where I went, though. Hell, I can’t even remember what I was doing before I came here, so for all I know a bunch of people watched me fade into thin air in broad daylight.” It’d be nice to have that ability for real, though. Usually I have to settle for hiding in the bathroom.

“Oh, there’s nothing to worry about there. Modern humans are rather blind to those sorts of things. As for reassuring your loved ones, I believe I have an idea that can solve all your problems!” She gave me a sharp smile that sent goosebumps down my spine. “Did you know that fox youkai are famous for their abilities with transformation?” In that moment, I felt that my look of resignation was rather similar to Ran’s.

Next to me, Suika began to cackle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Holy hell this chapter was hard to write, but I'm satisfied with how it turned out. The ending was scrapped and rewritten at least 3 times. Anyways, what did you think of Hachiman's ability? I think it's rather fitting! Anyways, that's all for now. Next chapter will likely be a good bit more peaceful as Hachiman adjusts to life in Gensokyo and his newfound abilities.


	4. Field trip!

“Can I have some time to think about it?” I asked after taking a moment to consider the offer. Suika had plopped back down at the kotatsu once it was established we weren’t leaving yet. Ran was… somewhere. It was a good offer, all things told. In one fell swoop, Yukari had managed to offer a solution to all my immediate problems at absolutely no cost to myself. That’s exactly why I decided to hold off on making a decision. You would have to be an idiot of monumental proportions to accept a deal from someone you just met without even knowing the costs upfront. Another gap opened in front of my face, followed by Yukari sticking her head out upside down and looking me in the eyes with a hurt expression.

“A-Are you saying you don’t trust me?” Her voice wobbled and tears threatened to spill from the corners of her eyes.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. What kind of idiot trusts someone after an hour?” She continued staring at me with teary eyes for a moment longer, then pouted and slipped back into the gap, reappearing under the kotatsu.

“You don’t have to be such a killjoy about it. It wouldn’t kill you to play along a little.” She folded her arms and looked away from me, wearing the kind of face you’d see on a child throwing a tantrum rather than a grown woman.

“I’m not entirely convinced about that honestly.” I muttered under my breath, “It’s not like I have anything against you, but can you blame me? I just met you, and here you are offering me a solution to all my problems. It’s _too_ convenient.” I might believe that truly nice girls actually exist, but there is no such thing as a convenient girl. Source: me. Yukari’s pout turned thoughtful at that.

“I see… I’ve been approaching this all wrong, haven’t I? A hideous creature such as yourself would be more used to cruelty than kindness. It’s no wonder you’re so cautious when confronted with such unfamiliar good will.” As always, the worst part about Yukari’s insults is that they contain a grain of truth. “No matter. Feel free to think on it as long as you like. The offer will remain open so long as you don’t manage to die along the way… Maybe even after that.” She gave me an overly cutesy wink that raised the hairs on my arms. It would seem that even death might not be enough to escape this woman. “That being the case, you will have to stay _somewhere_ for the time being. I suppose I can drop you off at the human village. I’m sure they would be willing to-” She began to roll her eyes, but aborted the movement when she saw my expression. “My~ that’s quite the face you’re making!” Her smile reminded me of a predator cornering its prey. She hadn’t phrased it as a question, but I heard it all the same. No getting out of this one.

“I _tried_ going there. They wouldn’t let me in because they thought I was a youkai in disguise.” I muttered quickly. As expected, Yukari’s face contorted strangely as she tried to hold back her laughter. Personally, I would have preferred if she just laughed in my face instead. “That being said, I’m not entirely sure if I prefer your company to theirs.” That was a lie. I think I genuinely hate those people. Yukari didn’t need to know that, though. Yukari’s stifled laughter cut off into a theatrical gasp.

“You can’t mean that! How could you forsake your fellow youkai for human company?!” I did my absolute best to project a ‘done with this’ aura into my stare. It wasn’t hard to do. Yukari seemed to take the hint. “Oh fine, I’ll behave.” I didn’t believe that for a second. “That said, you sure do love bringing up complications, don’t you?” I raised an eyebrow at that, “What exactly am I supposed to do with you? I could put you to work at the scarlet devil mansion, but the last thing I want is to owe that brat a favor.” She mumbled a few more options under her breath that I either couldn’t make out or that didn’t make much sense to me. I was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable about all this.

“Why are you doing all this?” She looked at me, “I mean, whatever happens to me has nothing to do with you. Why should you care if I get myself killed out there?” She gave an understanding hum.

“Well~, who can say?” You. You can say. “Is it truly so surprising that I simply want to make sure an interesting Outsider lives past their incredibly low life expectancy? It costs me almost nothing to keep you alive, so why not do so?” She stated matter-of-factly. It didn’t seem like she was lying, but it also didn’t feel like the whole truth. No, there was definitely more to it than that. Perhaps a compromise?

“…I suppose I could stay here. Until I find some better arrangements, that is.” Yukari looked amused at that.

“How kind of you to accept my charity.” I suppose I had that one coming. “Wonderful! In that case, please prepare one of the guest rooms, Ran.” Yukari spoke over my shoulder.

“Already done, Yukari-sama.” Ran’s voice droned from behind me. Holy crap, how long has she been standing behind me?

“Well done. In that case, I must be off now. It would seem I have some business with a certain shrine maiden.” She said as a gap opened next to her.

“Oh! If you’re heading to Reimu’s place, then drop me off there too.” Suika chimed in before Yukari made it through the gap. She was being so quiet that I had forgotten she was there at all. “I’ll drop by later, Hachiman. I’ll give you the grand tour!” The grand tour of what exactly went unsaid, as she and Yukari vanished from the room. After a moment of awkward silence, Ran bade me to follow her down the hall. That’s how I found myself in a large but plain looking guest room. It seemed strange to have nothing but a futon in a room this large, but I supposed Ran just set up an unused room for me. Not that I was complaining. I didn’t need anything more than a futon anyways. At least it had a window.

“Feel free to rest here as long as you would like. If you need anything, simply come find me.” Without clarifying where I could find her, she slid the door shut behind her and strode off down the hallway. Shrugging, I turned away from the door and inserted myself into the futon. After the day I’d had, a good night’s rest would do me some good. I doubted it would even take long to fall asleep. With that in mind, I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to claim me.

* * *

It was much later that I found myself faced with the realization that sleep wasn’t in the cards for me. Despite trying to fall asleep, the most I had accomplished was staring at the back of my eyelids for several hours. In spite of that, I felt no more tired than I did when I started. The pulsing headache had eventually faded into a mild humming in my brain, but it was still noticeable enough for me to realize that my ability was at work on something. It would seem that I rejected sleep without even trying to. Sighing, I gave up and got out of bed in the hopes of finding something that would make for a better use of my time, but I hesitated upon reaching the doorway. There had only been a normal hallway outside the door when I came here, but that was when Ran was with me. Would I become the next Suika by trying to navigate this place on my own? No, of course not. Suika has the ability to break things and be a general nuisance until someone comes to fetch her. I would simply quietly starve until I’m found, dead or alive. No, that option was out. I didn’t feel like taking my chances there. My eyes slid smoothly over to the window at the far side of the room. That, however…

My plan of action decided, I strode towards the window and drew the curtains open. Fortunately, I was not greeted with the same endless black void that I saw when staring out the front door. After opening the window, I found myself admiring a pleasant yard of green grass, lit up with sunlight despite there being no visible sun in the cloudless blue sky. The air was crisp and fresh, despite there being no breeze. Leaning my head out and looking back confirmed my thoughts on this being a traditional Japanese mansion, since I was unable to see the outside of this building when I first arrived. Seeing nothing immediately wrong with my plan, I hopped on the windowsill and slid out into the yard, stumbling slightly as I landed feet first on the grass. Before I could decide where to walk, a familiar voice from my right caught me by surprise. I’ve really got to see about putting a bell on her.

“Good morning, Hachiman. Did you sleep well?” Ran was turned away from me, focused on calmly taking laundry from a basket by her feet and hanging them up to dry on laundry poles as her tails lazily swayed behind her. Seeing as I am a perfect gentleman, I did not gawk at the various unmentionables hanging from the lines. That being said, it was rather obvious which ones belonged to Yukari. “You’re not being held against your will, you know. Nobody would stop you from leaving.” She spoke in the same tone of professionalism that I had come to associate her with by now, but this time there was a hint of teasing in her tone. My brow furrowed in confusion before I realized she was referring to escaping from the window.

“Well excuse me for not wanting to get lost in your creepy house.” Wow, smooth Hachiman. You don’t sound defensive at all. “It was just… easier to go through the window?” When I said it out loud, even I thought I sounded dumb. My comment provoked a quiet chuckle from Ran.

“You seem unsure of that.” She spoke again, this time with amusement clear in her tone. Great, even Ran was bullying me now. As I thought, Chen was the only good thing about this place.

“That’s good, because there’s a lot I’m unsure about right now.” I lamely joked. Ran was polite enough to laugh regardless. “Honestly though, I just didn’t feel like hanging around your guest room anymore. I wasn’t having any luck sleeping, and eventually I just couldn’t lie still anymore. Hopefully some fresh air will do me some good, but I doubt it.” Amusement was replaced by concern on Ran’s face as she turned her head to look at me.

“Oh? Would you like me to heat up some tea for you? It might help you to relax.” She offered kindly, “I understand how you might have trouble resting in an unfamiliar place. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.” I take it all back, Ran. You and Chen are both wonderful angels. Pity about your master though. Regardless, I was feeling a bit embarrassed now.

“N-No, that’s alright. I know I said I came here for some fresh air and all, but I don’t think I _can_ sleep.” I placed heavy emphasis on the word ‘can’. Her eyes lit up in realization.

“I see.” She seemed troubled as she returned to her task, “Well, if that’s what you believe, then I suppose you’re correct. In that case, did you have any plans for today?” She asked while hanging the last of the laundry up to dry. I shook my head. Suika said she would drop by ‘later’, but she never actually specified when that would be. Ran stood straight and faced me fully for the first time this conversation. “In that case, this is an excellent time to begin your training.” Ran was back in professional mode. I was having trouble pinning down her personality with how inconsistently she was behaving towards me. Before I could ponder that further, my mind caught up to what she said.

“Shouldn’t you wait on that?” I asked, “I haven’t even decided if I’m going to accept Yukari’s offer.” I didn’t feel comfortable taking advantage of Ran like that, regardless of how beneficial such an arrangement was to me. Ran’s formerly professional expression shifted once more, this time turning a bit wry.

“Whether you accept it or not, Yukari-sama is already involved in your situation. That means I will inevitably be dragged into this as well. This may be your first time getting roped into one of her schemes, but I’m fairly experienced at this point. I have learned that it’s best to get a head start on these sorts of things _before_ they can truly become a mess.” She explained.

“Ah, I see. By working a little now, you hope to do less work overall.” I nodded wisely. I can certainly respect that, even if I was just messing with her. Ran frowned at my words.

“I prefer ‘A stitch in time saves nine’, if you would.” She narrowed her eyes at me, “Please refrain from saying things like that around Chen. She’s at an impressionable age, and she’s already shown an unfortunate willingness to emulate you.” She lectured in a matter-of-fact tone. Of course, I wasn’t going to miss my chance to take revenge for her earlier teasing.

“Iyaa~ I’m flattered, but that’s a bit embarrassing.” I spoke in a complete monotone. Her glare sharpened, clearly offended despite realizing I was joking around.

“That was _not_ a compliment and you know it.” She sighed and visibly sagged in defeat, “Oh whatever. Please follow me.” She set off without waiting for a response once again, and I was careful to stay close behind. Just because we were outside didn’t mean it operated on different rules than the hallways. Moments later, we arrived in a clearing that was similar to the rest of the yard, with the only difference being that there were no obstacles in the area. “Now then, here is the first rule of my lessons. Any practice _will_ be conducted here, or in a similarly open and empty area. Am I clear?” She asked me with no nonsense in her tone.

“Crystal.” I affirmed with an appropriate level of seriousness. The time for friendly banter had passed.

“Good.” She nodded with a satisfied expression, “This particular lesson will not require the use of this area, but it is important that we build good habits. I expect you to adhere to this rule even if you choose to ignore everything else I say.” Why on earth would I ignore an explanation on magic? Middle school Hachiman would kill to be here. Be still, my repressed chuunibyou heart. “Now then, normally we would begin with the theory behind flight or danmaku as an introductory course into your magical education but considering your situation it would be best to start with general magical theory as well as establishing some basic precautions for you to follow from here on out.”

“Understood.” I supposed that was fair. Better to make sure I don’t get myself or someone else killed, despite how much the idea of flight appealed to me. I waited patiently as Ran took a moment to decide where to begin her lecture.

“…Right. It’s skipping ahead a bit, but let us start with belief, seeing as you are experiencing its effects firsthand already.” I raised my eyebrow at that statement, but she didn’t bother to acknowledge my unasked question and simply continued uninterrupted with her exposition. “There are a vast number of components required for different spells, but belief is a universal requirement of any and all magic. It is also the most powerful factor.” She raised her palm up and willed a pale-yellow orb into creation just above the skin. “For example, this simple projectile. Using the spell card rules, belief is the only other thing required for it to form. Anyone in Gensokyo can produce these, so long as they believe themselves capable of doing so. In a similar vein, if I believed that I was only capable of creating it to a certain degree,” The orb shrank in size and reduced in brilliance, “then that would become reality. Conversely, if I believed I was capable of making it stronger…” The orb grew three times its size and shone so brightly that it hurt my eyes to look directly at. “Then this will also become the truth.” Feeling her point was made, Ran dropped her hand back to her side, allowing the orb to dissipate harmlessly. “As I’ve said, there are more components to magic than solely belief. Eventually, there will come a point where simple belief will bring diminishing returns, and other methods will be required to continue increasing the strength of a spell.” I nodded at that, lost in thought. She was glossing over more than a few details, but the parts she did explain made a certain degree of sense.

“I suppose it would be too easy otherwise.” I mumbled to myself. Not that I truly believed that aspect was easy. Even when faced with magic right in front of me, a small but persistent voice in my head denied the possibility of casting magic simply by ‘believing in yourself.’ I assumed that I would need to overcome that voice if I wanted to imitate Ran’s trick, which is far easier said than done. That brought up a good point, though. “When you said that I was correct earlier about not being able to sleep…” I trailed off at the realization and Ran nodded in confirmation.

“Yes, that’s right. For many, belief would not be enough to remove the need for sleep. With an ability like yours however, it’s likely that believing it was hampering your sleep was enough to make it true, regardless of whether or not it was actually doing so before that point. Hmm, how to explain this…” She tilted her head back thoughtfully, “Ah, how about… Tell me, are you at all familiar with Schrodinger’s cat?” She asked without looking at me, still looking up in thought.

“Yes…” I hesitantly responded. As an avid light novel reader, this was a trope I had come across plenty of times. ‘Schrodinger’s cat’ being brought up in a light novel was always a glaring red flag that the author was about to make some shit up about quantum physics to make their boring plot seem smart. Ran seemed to notice my wariness and chuckled lightly.

“Not to worry, this has nothing to do with quantum mechanics. It’s simply a useful metaphor in this scenario. There are several possible explanations for your inability to sleep. Perhaps it’s the unfamiliar environment, or perhaps you simply had too much on your mind… And yet, you convinced yourself that your ability was acting up. I understand that you aren’t to blame, but you have to understand how dangerous a mindset like this can be. Not only is your belief now directed towards ‘My ability is making it so I can’t sleep’, it is also directed towards ‘I am not in control of my ability.’ That single belief will allow your ability to cause more issues, further reinforcing the idea that you are not in control, causing _more_ issues to crop up.” I gulped nervously.

“I’m beginning to see the problem here, I think. I’m stuck in a vicious circle.” It was one thing for someone to tell me my ability was putting me in danger, but it was another thing entirely to hear exactly how it was happening. It was even worse knowing that it would likely continue to happen for the foreseeable future. This brought up an interesting idea, however. “Let’s say, hypothetically, I fully convinced myself with the belief of ‘I’m not capable of sending myself to Gensokyo.’ Would that be enough to let me go home and _stay_ there?” Regardless of the question, I didn’t let myself get my hopes up in the slightest. There’s no chance it could be that easy after all this fuss. Confirming my thoughts, Ran shook her head.

“Unfortunately not. When I say ‘belief’, that encompasses more than just your own belief. It also involves the belief of everyone else in Gensokyo. Beyond that, it applies to more than the simple belief of individuals.” Ran smiled reassuringly at my lost expression, “My apologies, I’m getting ahead of myself. For now, please take my word that ‘Hikigaya Hachiman sent himself to Gensokyo’ is already an established fact, and nothing can change that. Yukari-sama was right when she said that if it has happened once, then it will happen again. My plan is not to prevent you from coming to Gensokyo, but to make sure it does not happen against your wishes. To do that, you will need to establish control of your ability.” I smiled slightly at that.

“Hm, that’d be pretty nice. I wouldn’t mind being able to-” I abruptly cut myself off as Ran sharply glared at me.

“This is very serious, Hachiman. I don’t think you are the type to treat this as a game, but this is something that needs to be said. You are not the first to suddenly develop a powerful ability you were unprepared for, and you would not be the first to lose yourself completely to it. For every individual that manages to gain control of their power without severe consequences, there are hundreds more that live on as nothing more than a cautionary tale. I will do everything in my power to prevent you from meeting an unfortunate fate, but that will mean nothing if you do not do the same.” After she finished speaking, she stared me down until I responded.

“I-” I choked, “I see…” And I did see. Despite the harshness of her words, I had a feeling that she was still softening the blow. I had a bad feeling about the specifics of those ‘cautionary tales’ she mentioned. The seriousness on Ran’s face melted away along with the tension in the air.

“Good. So long as you are taking this seriously, I would not worry overly much at this point. Simply apply yourself, and I will do what I can to keep you from making any irreversible mistakes.” Her smile was gentle, but it was backed by a resolute look in her eyes. Woah, my heart skipped a beat! What’s with this pretty boy persona? I think I finally had a handle on Ran’s personality after this conversation, though. Any further discussion was halted by the familiar sounds of property damage in the distance. Ran’s shoulders slumped in resignation. “Well, Suika is here. I suppose I should escort her here. _Again_.” She looked apologetically at me, “My apologies. I had a bit more I wanted to cover, but this is a good stopping point for today. Think carefully on what we’ve discussed for now and we’ll pick up from here next time.” Fine with me. There was a lot to consider about all this.

“If anything, I should apologize. I’m pretty sure she’s here for me. Something about a grand tour? She didn’t actually specify when that was happening.” I honestly should have seen this coming. 

“Yes, that certainly does sound like her.” She seemed to deliberate on it for a moment and then nodded, “I suppose there’s no harm. I can hardly think of a better protector than an oni, and Suika seems rather fond of you. I will have to have a few words with her, though.” Why do I feel like a child that just received permission from a worried parent? This is a new feeling for me. “Follow me, then. I’ll drop you off at the front door before I collect Suika.” Once again, Ran turned and began walking without waiting for a response. This behavior originally had me peg her as distant, but I was beginning to think she was just awkward.

“Right.” I followed her towards the house. I stuck close behind her, of course. Ran seemed to be lost in thought, so I left her to it. Meanwhile, my eyes were constantly drawn to her numerous tails. Did this count as staring at her butt? I really hope not. Despite not walking through a doorway or even being near the house, I suddenly found myself in the same entrance that I came through yesterday. This once again confirmed that understanding how this house works was still beyond me.

“Wait right here. I’ll be back in just a moment.” I nodded and moved closer to the door. Ran took a moment to steel herself and then walked off with her shoulders squared in the direction of the tremors. God speed, Ran. While waiting for her to return, I heard a shuffling noise behind me from the front door. After turning around, I found myself face-to-face with Chen doing her best to sneak quietly into the house with a suspicious moving bulge in her shirt. She froze when she saw me look in her direction. After a few seconds of stunned staring at each other, the tell-tale cries of a cat came through her shirt. Chen began to sweat nervously. She steadfastly refused to meet my gaze. Coming to a decision, I looked off to the side at nothing in particular.

“Man, I wonder what Chen has been up to today.” I spoke in an exaggeratedly loud and monotone voice, “I haven’t seen her all morning! Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to look for her later. If anyone asks, I’ll tell them I haven’t seen her at all.” I sighed and shrugged in a ‘Well, what can you do?’ manner. From the corner of my eye, I saw Chen’s face light up in a smile that brought joy to my cold shriveled heart, shortly before she scampered off to parts unknown deeper in the house. Barely a few seconds later, Ran turned the corner with Suika held by the scruff of her neck like an unruly kitten. Suika didn’t seem to mind in the slightest, but she visibly perked up when she caught sight of me.

“Hachiman!” Hai, Hachiman desu. She hopped out of Ran’s grasp and leapt on top of my shoulders, nearly sending me to the ground. “Onwards trusty steed!” She pointed towards the door. Without looking, I could hear her taking a long drink from her gourd. The look Ran gave me as I left was filled with an incredibly pitying sort understanding. Please don’t look at me like that, Ran. I might cry. While walking towards the door, I did my best to shake Suika off with nothing to show for my efforts. With great sadness, I resigned myself to my fate. At least she wasn’t that heavy. The chains slapping against my back with each step were already getting annoying though. Before we made it through the door, Ran called out to me.

“If you get the chance, try to consciously use your ability. Nothing big, though! Try to focus it towards small tasks with no consequences for failure. The more practice you get earlier on, the easier it will be for you down the road.” I nodded thoughtfully at that. At the very least, I could come up with some ideas while we were walking. Ran seemed satisfied with that as she turned and walked away without another word. That left me alone with Suika once more.

“So, how do we get to the shrine?” I asked. Why was I the one carrying around my ‘tour guide’ anyways? Shouldn’t this be the other way around? Suika hummed and I felt a faint jostling from my shoulders that I could only assume was her shrugging. “Please use your words, Suika.” Also your legs, while we’re at it.

“I dunno yet! Depends where we end up, I guess.” She stated.

“’End up?’ What are you-” As I walked through the door, I found myself surrounded by trees on every side, rather than the stretch of dilapidated houses I had expected to see. Near my foot there was an incandescent mushroom twinkling away. “Oh god damn it, we’re back in the forest again!” I complained.

“Hey, that’s great!” Suika chirped, “Reimu lives near the forest! This won’t take long at all!” That’s some good news, I suppose. I wasn’t feeling too keen on the idea of walking through the forest _again_, but I could handle it if I was only walking for a short while.

“Fine, fine. Just tell me where to go then.” There was a long moment of silence. “Suika?” The silence continued. Horror dawned on me as I realized what was going on. “You don’t know how to get there from here, do you?” I accused.

“Ahaha! I have no idea!”

* * *

“For the last time, no, I’m not drinking! Stop asking!” I snapped at Suika. I could feel the full force of her pout from my shoulders. Yeah, join the club! I’m not exactly thrilled with this situation either! I had been walking for ages and no matter how much I complained, she adamantly refused to walk on her own. “Pouting doesn’t work when I can’t even see your face, you know.” Unsaid was that it wouldn’t have worked regardless. Sorry Suika, appearance of a cute young girl you may have, but you don’t trip any of my older brother instincts. Only Komachi has that power, along with Isshiki during my moments of weakness.

“Hmph!” Oh ho, so now it’s the cold shoulder treatment? Sorry for your luck, but thanks to you I can’t feel my shoulders. Your attack is ineffective! For a while we simply walked in silence. Suika, because she was pretending to hold a grudge. Myself, because I was trying not to think about the scary shit people kept saying about this forest. “Hey, Hachiman.” She spoke up after a while. The words were spoken casually, but there was an undertone of seriousness that caused me to take it seriously as well. “How are you holding up? Honestly.” ‘Honestly’, huh?

“Honestly? I’m not really sure.” I frowned, “All this… Magic stuff, it’s… There’s just a lot. I’m a little overwhelmed by it all. I’m worried about my sister and my… clubmates.” I finished lamely.

“Hmm… Komachi, Yuigahama, and Yukinoshita, right?” She casually stated those words, but I froze in my tracks. She continued on in spite of my shock. “What about those other people? Isshiki, Zaimokuza, Totsuka, Kawa… Kawa… um, Kawashima…?” I can’t believe you forgot Kawazuki’s name! More importantly…

“Where did you hear those names?” I questioned. So help me, if I have to add mind reading to the list of magical bullshit I have to deal with in Gensokyo, I’m going to be very upset. A loud sigh was the answer I received.

“Ugh, I heard it from _you_, you freaking lightweight.” She punctuated the syllables in the word ‘lightweight’ with hard pokes to my head. Please be gentler, Suika. My sister says that my brains are my only redeeming quality. “Did you really forget our entire conversation?” She sounded genuinely sad at that. I felt a bit guilty, even though it wasn’t really my fault.

“Not _all_ of it.” I clarified, “Everything gets fuzzy after I, uh… threw up on the ground.” Suika was quiet for a while, then she laughed and spoke up wryly.

“You’re gonna have to be more specific than that.” She drawled, sounding a bit cheerier than before.

“It was right when you left to steal food from Mystia.” I felt like I was on the brink of remembering what happened, but it just wasn’t quite there. I kept walking, but my thoughts lingered on that feeling. I was sick and tired of not knowing what had happened. I pushed a bit harder on that feeling, and was surprised when a snippet of our conversation came back to me.

_“…and they looked at me all shy and blushing and said ‘Actually, I’m a guy.’”_

_“Pffft are you serious?!”_

_“Yes! Honestly though, he’s so cute that sometimes I don’t think I’d mind…”_

…

…

Oh god, just what did I tell her?

“Oh! That’s good, then!” Suika pat my head roughly while laughing happily, “All we did after that was swap stories about ourselves. You already know all that stuff about yourself, so nothing lost there, and I don’t mind telling you my stories again.” How magnanimous, Suika-sama. Can we go back to what _I_ talked about, though? I need to decide the appropriate amount of shame to feel here. As I thought that, another memory came back unbidden to me.

_“…turns out one of her friends was listening outside the class. Things after that were… bad.”_

_“Those dicks! Who makes fun of someone for confessing?!”_

_“Nah. ‘s my fault. I was an idiot for thinking she felt the same. She was just being _nice_.”_

_“…Hachiman, that’s not…”_

…

…

“Oh god, I told you everything about me.” I whispered in horrified awe. If I told her about _that_, then clearly there was nothing I held back from her. I took a moment to check my surroundings in the hopes there was a youkai available and ready to kill me. No such luck, unfortunately. Maybe I could trick Suika into snapping my neck…

“What are ya getting flustered over?” Suika whined, “What’s there to be embarrassed about?! We got to know each other, just like I wanted!” She laughed and then began ferociously ruffling my hair, “Just like _we_ wanted, I should say. Sucks you forgot so much, but we’ll figure out the rest later.” If a god exists in Gensokyo, please strike me down where I stand. “Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll toughen you up while you’re here, so you won’t have to worry about any of that bullying stuff again once you go back.” I stopped in the middle of the clearing of trees we were currently walking through. I couldn’t let that comment slide.

“I wasn’t bullied.” I stated, “It’s only bullying if both the aggressors and the victim treat it as such. I don’t acknowledge it, so it wasn’t bullying.” I continued walking after saying my piece. After a moment of stunned silence from Suika, she laughed uproariously and slapped her hand on my shoulder that I still couldn’t feel.

“Ahaha! What’s with that messed up logic?” She wiped a tear from her eye. “No wonder Yukarin likes you so much. That’s the kind of twisted stuff she would say.” My face screwed up in disgust at being compared to her, before I processed what she said.

“Is that really the case? Don’t get me wrong, she’s been suspiciously helpful, but she hasn’t exactly been trying too hard to make a good impression on me.” Granted, her words were still less cutting than Yukinoshita’s. For now, anyways. The last thing I want is for her to step up her game once she learns that I’m already used to it.

“Ahh, well, I guess I can see why you’d think that. Yukarin isn’t too good at the whole ‘first impressions’ thing. You two are a lot alike, actually.” Excuse you, my first impressions are a perfect representation of what any meeting with me is like! I opened my mouth in outrage at her comparison between us, but she just laughed and talked over me. “Yeah yeah, let me guess, ‘I’m nothing like her!’ is what you’re gonna say. Yukarin would probably say the same thing, but she’d sneak in a few insults.” Well, she’s got me there. That aside, though…

“What do you think I should do?” I asked. Suika just hummed questioningly, so I elaborated. “About Yukari’s offer, I mean. It seems like it would solve all my problems, but I don’t really know her well enough to trust her.” Oddly enough, I trusted Suika despite only knowing her a little longer. At the very least, I trusted her not to lie to me.

“Hmm, I see the problem. You think it sounds too convenient to be true.” It wasn’t a question.

“Pretty much. She’s obviously working _some_ kind of scheme here, I just can’t see what she stands to gain from all of this. There are too many things I don’t understand about… _everything_.” I gestured vaguely with my hand, “It would be too easy for her or anyone else to play on my ignorance here. Any idiot could figure out that this is a prime opportunity for manipulating a naïve idiot.”

“Wow, no shame at all.” Of course not. I understand myself better than anyone, after all. “I get where you’re coming from, but I don’t think you have too much to worry about. Yukarin and me go _waaay_ back. What you have to keep in mind is that actions speak louder than words when it comes to her, so don’t focus so much on what she says.” Don’t worry, I was already planning to ignore most of what Yukari says to me. “She’s _definitely_ gonna mess with you, but what you gotta understand is- ” Before she could keep going, a flash of blue whizzed inches away from my feet and left a small crater in the ground. “Oh great, fairies...” Suika groaned. All I could do was stare at the crater and wonder how this hellish forest was going to top itself this time. I received an answer in the form of several tiny winged girls swooping out of the trees while joyfully laughing. Right, fairies. Guess this one was self-explanatory.

“Fwahaha! Foolish human! You dare trespass in our territory? Turn back now or face the wrath of…” Her arrogant posture seemed to deflate into sheer curiosity. “What are you doing?” She asked in awe with widened eyes. Behind her, more than a dozen other fairies were doing the same. I simply stared back in confusion, but Suika seemed to understand something I missed. A feeling of dread formed in my gut as Suika mockingly laughed with exaggerated arrogance.

“Isn’t it obvious, _fairy?_” The lead fairy flinched and physically recoiled from her remark. “We’ve combined our strength! Separate, we are mighty. But together, we will reach greater heights than you could even imagine! ‘Turn back or face your wrath?’ Hah! Do you honestly think yourself a match for our combined might? It is _you_ who are outmatched! Flee now while we’re still feeling generous!” How can you say those things without writhing in embarrassment, Suika? It seems I was underestimating your true strength all along. The fairies began to murmur among each other and edge away into the tree line, but the lead fairy spoke once more and kept them from running away.

“H-Hmph. Of course I can.” Her words started out quiet, but she gained volume as her words gained resolve. “No… Of course _we_ can. Don’t you dare look down on us!” The other fairies began to murmur excitedly. No… She can’t be… “You say your ‘combined might’ makes you too strong for us? As if! Just who do you think you’re talking to? If friendship makes you stronger, then that means we’re the strongest in Gensokyo!” Oh my god, she is. She’s giving a shounen protagonist speech! No, wait, why are we the villains here?! The lead fairy turned to the other fairies with fire in her eyes. “Together, there’s nobody who can beat us! Come on! Let’s teach these two not to underestimate our bonds!” The group of fairies cheered wildly. From the edge of my peripherals, I could see Suika place both her hands on her hips and boisterously laugh with her nose to the sky.

“Such foolishness to challenge us!” Suika. No. Suika. What are you doing? Stop it!

“We’ll show you!” “No _you’re_ stupid!” “Come on, we can beat them!” The chatter of the fairies congregated together in a meaningless cacophony of sound. As if sensing my desire to drop her and run, Suika’s legs tightened around me and made escape an impossible dream. The lead fairy flew in front of the huddled masses and shouted, “Form up, girls!” At once, the fairies began scrambling onto each other’s shoulders, who then scrambled onto another fairy’s shoulders, who then moved onto _another _fairy’s shoulders. It was an absolute mess, and yet it still managed to form a concrete shape. In seconds, I found myself staring down a pillar of fairies that was more than twice my height.

I hate this fucking place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This chapter took a bit longer to write than planned, mostly because I got sucked into playing Spyro. I regret nothing. Going from here, you can expect a chapter every 2-3 weeks. I'm not exactly the fastest writer, so that seems to be a timeframe that works for me. It's not quite a real schedule, but I'll get there! Anyways, let me know what you think!


	5. Better part of valor

“Would you get off of me already?!” I yelled without an ounce of calm as bullets peppered the ground behind my fleeing form. I hadn’t stuck around long when the fairies appeared. I was already lost in the forest, so who cares if I ran around aimlessly? Lost is lost, after all. Unfortunately, it seems that running away from the fairies just made them _more _excited. They chased after me with a single-minded devotion that was quite frankly terrifying. Suika on the other hand was having the time of her life. If I had been physically capable of prying her off of me, I would have thrown her at the fairies as a distraction a long time ago.

“Over my dead body!” Suika yelled back at me with great excitement. She _could_ have made herself useful and at least helped with steering, but instead she left everything to me. For a while there, I was intentionally running her into every low hanging branch I could find. She didn’t react at all to it, but it made me feel better. That ended around the time her horns got stuck. The fairies took great delight in pelting us with magic while I struggled to free her.

“You’re going to be over _my_ dead body if you don’t get off my shoulders!” It was difficult enough to keep an eye on my surroundings as they blurred past us, but every time I began to let my guard down they started to- _Beam!_ I hopped to the left as a bright green beam shot through where I had been standing moments before, leaving an impressive swath of destruction in its wake. Right. Those. I hadn’t been hit by anything but projectiles yet, and those hurt like hell. I really didn’t want to find out what one of those beams would do.

“Ooh, nice tsukkomi! Say, how do you feel about manzai?” She queried. For a moment I forgot all about the danger and just stopped and stared up at her, wordlessly asking what she was going on about now. The sensation of several sharp stings down the back of my calf followed by the cheers of the fairies reminded me that I didn’t really have the luxury of stopping. “Fine, fine… I’ll shelve the Grand Prix pitch for later. So hey, why are we running away?” She asked this as several glowing bullets pinged off her head, provoking absolutely no reaction from her. Maybe I could find a way to use her as a shield…

“Do I really need to answer that? I’d think the answer would be pretty clear.” I asked as a blue and pink spiral beam sailed over my shoulder. When it impacted the ground, the resulting crater was filled with a chaotic mess of fire and ice. Fantastic, they’ve discovered how to combine their attacks. What fresh hell awaited me next? “Do you not see what’s happening right now? Is that why you won’t walk on your own? Did someone swap your gourd out with paint thinner, and now you’re blind?” That probably wasn’t it. Paint thinner would just be less potent than her normal fare.

“Nah, last person that tried taking my gourd ended up as a smear on the wall- Hey, stop changing the subject! This is about you!” She smacked the side of my head, nearly sending me into a burst of bullets. “You’re running away from fairies. _Fairies._ That’s just embarrassing, Hachiman. Only total losers run away from fairies, and you’re better than that.” A crescent projectile shot over our heads and slammed into a nearby tree with a deafening crack. It quickly collapsed from the damage and came crashing towards us. Suika slapped it away like an annoying fly before it could come close to us, crashing just a couple inches away from the fairies. Rather than be intimidated by the casual show of strength, the fairies began attacking with a renewed fervor. “…Granted, this might be a little more intense than they usually get, but that’s not the point.”

“What _is_ the point, Suika?” My patience with Suika was wearing incredibly thin after all this. “What exactly do you want me to do here? The only thing that will happen if I stop is that I’ll get blasted by more magic. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m _human_. I’m not a youkai, I’m not an oni, and I’m sure as hell not a flying blob of fairies. So what do you want me to do, huh?” Suika was silent. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” I scoffed and focused on the path. What was I doing getting this worked up? So stupid. “This is the logical choice, and you’re an idiot if you can’t see that.” We both stayed silent for several moments, the tension in the air contrasted sharply by the whooping and hollering of the fairies from behind us.

“Is that what you told yourself before? That you had no other choice?” Suika spoke softly but clearly. I opened my mouth to give her a piece of my mind, but she never gave me the chance. “No, shut up for a second. I didn’t really get most of that stuff you and Yukari talked about, but she was right about one thing. Running gets you away from your problems, but it doesn’t solve anything. So here’s what I want you to do, Hachiman. I want you to turn around, take that weird magic stuff you got going on in your head, and show those fairies that they picked a fight with the wrong human!” Suika cheered me on. Considering her words, I turned my head to look behind me. Whereas I had been doing my best to dodge low hanging tree branches, the fairies had instead chosen to fly straight through everything in their path with the efficiency of a woodchipper. Rather than stop, I instead decided to run a bit faster.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to do that. Maybe you missed the part where _I don’t know how to use magic!_” The frustrated helplessness I had been bottling up the past couple days was slowly reaching a boil. “You think I did _any_ of this on purpose? Believe me, if I had any clue how to control my magic, I wouldn’t have brought myself _here! _I’d be asleep in my nice comfy bed and getting ready for school instead of fighting for my life against things that I didn’t even know existed!” I wasn’t sure if my anger was directed at Suika or the world in general. Suika tilted forward until her face was upside-down and inches away from mine. While I sputtered in embarrassment and tried to correct my balance, she looked me dead in the eyes with utter seriousness.

“So that’s it, then? You’re just gonna keep running away?” Yep, that’s the plan. “When does it end, Hachiman? You gotta stop running eventually.” Ah. She’s not talking about just the fairies anymore, is she? “Look, I get it. It’s hard. I know. It’s never gonna be easy, though… so hey, why not try it now?” Her tone was encouraging and strangely gentle compared to her normal demeanor. Could I…? No, that’s stupid. But maybe… Suika grinned brightly at the indecision that showed clearly on my face. “Hey, you might not believe you can do it, but I believe in ya just fine… So stop worrying so much! I’ll be right here every step of the way, so just give it your all.” I snorted.

“’Face it like an oni’, then?” Suika laughed and nodded, and I let out a weary sigh. I did say I wanted to trust Suika. If she thought I could handle this… “Fine… Fine. I’ll try it your way.” She patted my cheek twice, then straightened her posture back up. I took a deep breath and shoved away my panic with an ease that left me reeling. I performed a quick ‘status check’ on my ability and found that the constant humming in my brain had lessened to the point that I could barely feel it even while actively looking for it. I felt a pang of worry at the thought of rejecting emotions so easily, but I didn’t have many options to work with. Come to think of it, I’m not very tired in spite of running full throttle for so long… Well. Concerns for later. For now, I needed a plan. I continued to run, but now I was doing so with a concrete goal in mind. The two things I needed most were an open area and a plan of action. Luckily, I could work on both at the same time. Keeping an eye out for a suitable area as I ducked and dodged the steady blasts of magic, I began to plot.

First, defense. A plan is only as good as your ability to carry it out, which requires being alive. I couldn’t tank the shots like Suika, so my best bet there was to stick to dodging like I had been. Most of the magic being sent at me were simple glowing spheres like Ran had showed me, although these came in many different colors. Occasionally they would fire off something with a different shape, but they operated in more or less the same fashion. Looking carefully, I noticed that none of the fairies seemed to be leading any of their shots. Since they were aiming where I am instead of where I was going to be, none of their shots came close to hitting me so long as I kept on the move. Unfortunately, using the trees for cover wasn’t possible because-

“Ei!” One of the fairies shouted and I frantically veered to the left as a beam shot through the air I had been occupying just a moment before. Yeah, that. Whereas the projectiles left small craters and scorch marks wherever they happened to land, the beams had piercing power. I had seen several beams pierce through trees with hardly any resistance. The beams were the real danger here, but they were also the easiest to dodge due to the fairies shouting beforehand. If I had known this was how my day was going to go, I would have badgered Ran into starting with flying and danmaku like she normally would have. While bemoaning my lack of foresight, I emerged into a large open clearing that was surrounded by a ring of trees on all sides. Above the trees was a clear and unhindered view of the sky, allowing plenty of light into the clearing. The ground was perfectly level and only had a few roots to keep an eye out for. It was _exactly_ what I was looking for. The convenience left me wondering if Suika was on to something when she said the forest was alive. After a deep breath to steady myself, I finally came to a stop in the center of the clearing.

“Nowhere left to run now, villain! It’s time to face punishment for your crimes!” What? I could easily keep running, though? Also, what crimes? You’re the ones that attacked me! I turned to face them and tell them as much, but the words died in my throat when I got a good look at them. With my newfound clear thought process, I caught some details that I had missed in my earlier state of mind. Before, I had seen them as a faceless and relentless enemy. Now, I could only see them as little girls having fun playing a game. Each one of the fairies was smiling and laughing with joyful twinkles in their eyes. _This_ is what I was so afraid of? I wonder… Keeping them in my peripherals, I observed the spot on the back of my hand where I had been pelted with a bullet at the beginning of the chase. No pain, and not even a hint of a bruise. I stared at the fairies with a stupid look on my face. Was I even in danger here? No, wait, there were the falling trees… which Suika was protecting me from. Which means she was actually handling the only dangerous part of this. Ugh, great, I made a total ass of myself for nothing, didn’t I? Speaking of which…

“Suika, I’ll leave the embarrassing speeches to you.” I shamelessly passed the buck to her. Magic is one thing, but I know where my limits are. Besides, she clearly had a knack for it. She could handle the chuuni side while I cobbled together the other half of my plan. “Actually, if you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them. All I’ve got so far is ‘dodge.’” OK, so maybe I was trying to get her to do everything for me. Can you blame me, though? After _literally_ pulling her weight for her, it was time for her to return the favor.

“Throw one of your own back at them!” That… wasn’t Suika. It came from directly above me, but it was higher than where Suika sat. I side-stepped another barrage of flashing lights, then looked up at the source of the voice. Several feet above me was a blonde girl around my age wearing a black and white dress. She was riding a broom and wearing a hat that just screamed ‘witch.’ More impressive than the flying was how she managed to lounge lazily on her side while balancing on a broom, with her chin resting in her palm and staring imperiously down at me. Well, it seems I’d earned myself a peanut gallery.

“Great plan! How do I do that?” I yelled back. It wasn’t even sarcasm. All my problems would be solved if I could fire my own projectiles back at them. Suika, I can hear you snickering up there. Just because you’ve apparently been saving my life all along doesn’t mean I’ll forget that you put it in danger in the first place. Take responsibility, damn you! The witch rolled her eyes at me.

“Just make one and then throw it! Quit over-thinking it!” She hollered back and went back to watching silently. That’s when I realized that the fairies had stopped attacking me. It seemed Suika wasn’t laughing at me, but at the fairies’ expenses. They were exchanging overly flowery words that could be boiled down to “You’re stupid.” and “No _you’re_ stupid.” Truly a battle of the minds was taking place here. Heedless of the maturity unfolding in front of me, I chose to turn my attention towards… casting magic. Geez, when I put it like that it really hits home just how strange my life has become. Trying to decide where to begin, a memory of Ran’s lecture floated to the surface of my mind. Specifically, I focused on the memory of the glowing yellow orb she had used for her example. How had she referred to it at the time? I believe it was ‘simple projectile.’ Before I left, she told me to focus my ability towards completing ‘small tasks.’ Well, seems conclusive to me. According to Ran’s words, I should be capable of this much. No, I had to be. If I wanted to keep from being consumed by my ability like she warned me of, then a ‘simple projectile’ couldn’t give me trouble.

I held my right hand out with the palm facing up, just like Ran had done. My surroundings faded away as I focused all my attention on my task. The witch’s words of _‘Just make one and then throw it!’ _echoed in my mind. I focused on the image of Ran’s projectile and focused entirely on making one of my own appear. Several times during the process, a voice of doubt in my head would pop up and tell me I was being ridiculous for even trying this. Each time, I ruthlessly stomped it down and continued my efforts. As time went on and I was beginning to truly worry that this was in vain, I saw a faint twinkle of light shimmer and vanish. It was only for a second, and I could have easily written it off as a trick of the light, but instead I latched onto it with everything I had. The shimmer came again, then once more, until finally it no longer flickered out. Instead, it grew steadily more solid, until finally it took a shape. It was an orb exactly the same as the countless others that had been fired at me today. Compared to them, mine was a ridiculously tiny thing, no bigger than even one of my fingernails. It was the same color as Ran’s, but it shone without even half of the brightness that hers showed at its weakest.

“Woah…” I breathed in awe. In spite of all those things, it was still the most amazing thing I had ever seen in my life. Up to this point, magic had been an abstract thing for me. This, though? I did this. This wasn’t something that happened without my input. This was something I had brought about with my own efforts, something I could conclusively point to and call ‘progress.’ It was _wonderful_.

“Beautiful, ain’t it?” My surroundings snapped back into focus when I heard those words. The flying stereotype was now hovering next to me and grinning happily at my wimpy looking projectile. “Nice work. Now take that and throw it as hard as you can. Really put your back into it and give it all you got, yeah?” I nodded in understanding. She gave me a thumbs up and flew back to give me space. I warily eyed the orb in my hand. Well, nothing for it but to try. Without hesitation, I reared back and tossed it as hard as I could. Just as calculated, it flew on a direct course to the fairies. It sailed through the air far faster than I had expected, faster than any physical object I could have thrown. It impacted dead center on the fairies, causing several of them to evaporate into motes of light. I stared in shock and horror.

“Did… Did I just kill them?” I whispered. Sure they’re annoying, but I didn’t want to _kill _them. However, the remaining fairies didn’t seem overly concerned over the casualties. Rather than even try to stabilize their position, they chose to break into two smaller shapes. Are they fairies or slimes?

“Pffft naw, they’re fine. Fairies don’t really die. They just come back later, so do whatever you want to ‘em.” Suika comforted me with her callous words. Immortal fairies, huh… Why am I even surprised? Fine, whatever, I don’t care anymore.

“Hey!” One of the fairies called out. “That was a cheap shot! We weren’t ready!” The rest of the fairies whined in agreement.

“We’re the villains here, right? It’s your faults for not paying attention then. Don’t expect the bad guys to wait patiently for you to prepare yourself.” Behold my greatest weapon: Cold and unfeeling logic! As expected, they had no response to my words. Suika, however…

“That’s right! Honor? More like cowardice! O~hohoho!” Suika openly mocked them with a haughty laugh.

“…I thought oni were all about honor and fair play.” I contradicted her. She sure as hell brought it up enough times to be worth mentioning.

“Shush, play along! Don’t be a buzzkill.” Suika chided. Calling someone a buzzkill takes on a whole other meaning when an oni is the one saying it. Rolling my eyes, I decided to leave it be.

“Curse you, fiend!” The fairy complained. I can see you smiling, you know? Nobody is buying it. Wait, where’d the other fairies go? No, think logically. The most beneficial place for them to be is…

“Ei!” A cute shout echoed from behind me. Acting on instinct, I hopped to the left. Several projectiles and beams flew past and impacted the first group of fairies, wiping them entirely from existence. There was a heavy silence from everyone present. I turned to stare at the fairies behind me and wordlessly raised an eyebrow. “Ah… Um…” Several of their faces broke into a cold sweat. “I’ll… never forgive you for taking the lives of my friends!” One of the fairies spoke haltingly.

“No, that was clearly your fault no matter how you look at it.” I said. Honestly, who are they trying to fool here?

“Enough of your lies, evil-doer!” Without further ado, the now significantly smaller mass of fairies began to fire magic once more. From there, I lost myself in the flow of dodging and returning fire. I took some hits, but I gave as good as I got. I wasn’t able to do more than slowly create a single tiny projectile at a time and lob it at them, but I didn’t really need more than that in the first place. Turns out, fairies suck at dodging. I wasn’t fantastic at it myself, but it was becoming easier as the number of fairies continued to shrink. To my surprise, I was actually having fun. After an indeterminable amount of time, I found myself facing down the final conglomeration of fairies. Finally, the end was in sight. There were only five left, enough to take out with a couple more well-placed projectiles. I reared my arm back to hit them with just that, when I felt the orb blasted out of my palm from above.

“Nope! Denied!” The witch sang. Et tu, Brute? “As the price for my tutoring, I demand you win this in style! I won’t accept anything less!” I really am the only one taking this even a tiny bit seriously, aren’t I?

“Mmm… I guess she’s right.” Suika mumbled. “If you’re not gonna finish it off with a bang, why even bother?” Oh, come on! There’s a limit to being unreasonable, you know! While I was distracted with my internally voiced complaints, the fairies had not remained idle. The fairies had taken the time to charge their energy for an all-out attack while I coped with this betrayal of the worst kind.

“We’re putting everything we have into this attack… Our love, our anger, our sorrow… This attack contains the hopes and dreams of everyone who believed in us! Take this, you monster!” Wow, their attack contains emotional damage as well. Truly fitting of a last stand. All five of the remaining fairies held their hands out and released the charged energy into a beam. A foot away from them, the beams coalesced into one enormous spiraling multicolored beam and rapidly flew at me. I sidestepped it like usual, but the moment it passed me the beam curved sharply and came back. “Run all you like, but karma will always catch up to you in the end!” Like I keep saying, you attacked me! I dodged again, but it whipped around once more without losing any speed. I stumbled on an exposed root and lost precious seconds regaining my balance.

“Shit…!” Hardly any obstacles in this place, and I manage to trip at the worst possible time. The beam was on a direct course for my head and I had no time to dodge. Going off nothing more than an involuntary reaction, I raised my hand to protect my face. That was how I noticed the thin haze rising off my palms, like looking at blacktop on a hot summer day. When you find yourself in a tough and confusing situation, your brain goes on strange tangents. For me, seeing the beam coming at me in my disoriented state caused my mind to flash back to my days of hitting a tennis ball against the wall during PE. It might not have been anything special to most people, but the reflex had been hammered into my body. Without hesitation, I reached my hand out and smacked the beam hard as I possibly could. The force of the beam left me sprawled on my back, but the job was done. It had been knocked straight away from me and flew rapidly into the mass of remaining fairies. On contact, it created a large explosion and sent up a cloud of dust. I dragged myself back onto my feet just as the dust began to clear. It revealed the form of the last remaining fairy, who was in no shape to fight.

“My friends… I’m sorry… I… failed…” The fairy lay scorched and crumpled in a large crater while staring unseeing at the sky. She reached a hand out to the horizon, towards something only she could see. “Ah… There you guys are… I… mis…sed… you…” Her hand fell to the ground and her eyes clouded over. Moments later, she faded into motes of light. There was a thick silence in the clearing.

“I’m not sure how to feel about this.” I admitted. The witch grunted in agreement.

“Someone’s been teaching them weird stuff again. They’re gonna be like this for _weeks._” She groaned. Suika very pointedly did not say anything, despite this clearly being her fault. “But hey, enough of that!” She stuck her hand out towards me. “The name’s Kirisame Marisa! Nice to meet ya. Not too shabby out there for your first bit of magic. Plenty of room for improvement, but a good start!” I felt my cheeks heat up a bit in embarrassment at her honest praise as I reached out to accept the handshake.

“Hikigaya Hachiman. Thanks for the save.” I smiled at her. Marisa flushed slightly and looked away. Oho, someone’s weak to gratitude~. Wait, that was me.

“Nah, it was nothing. I couldn’t just let it pass when I heard someone yelling about not knowing how to use magic. I just taught you like Mima-sama taught me.” Marisa scratched her head in embarrassment before quickly changing the subject. “So hey, what’s Suika doing on your shoulders? Some kind of fashion statement? We usually go for hats round these parts, but I guess oni are pretty stylish too.” She grinned and snickered at her own joke.

“You like it? It holds my alcohol for me.” I decided to play along. Surviving a near-death experience that wasn’t actually a near-death experience does wonders for your mood.

“Ooooh nice! I should get me one of-” Suika chose that moment to defend her honor as a living creature.

“Hey, this ‘fashion statement’ can speak for herself, thank you very much!” She pouted. “It’s not _your_ alcohol if you’re not even gonna drink anything, Hachiman.” _That’s_ the part you disagreed with?!

“Yeah, yeah.” I waved her off, to her displeasure. “She’s actually supposed to be my tour guide. She’s off to a great start by making me carry her and then getting us lost in a forest.” I’m not bitter, no sir! Suika, stop blushing happily. That wasn’t a real compliment.

“How the hell did you even convince her to do that?” Marisa wondered aloud.

“She offered, actually. Just hopped on my shoulders and away we went.” I explained. I probably should have questioned it more in retrospect.

“…Yeah, alright then. So where ya headed?” Marisa shook off the strangeness with what seemed like practiced ease. I guess she was used to Suika’s antics. I opened my mouth to respond.

“Reimu’s place!” Suika shouted. I closed my mouth. Marisa stared for a long moment at Suika, and then gave me a sad pitying look. Not you too, Marisa! She flew slowly towards us, grabbed me by my shoulders, and spun me around 180 degrees. I was greeted to the sight of a long flight of stairs just at the edge of the tree line, now visible due to the destruction of the previous fight. No… It can’t be…

“Oh hey! We’re here!” Suika laughed. I felt the crushing weight of despair on my back.

* * *

“Sure, I’ll take a drink!” I offered with a bright smile. I waited for Suika’s face to light up in hope. “You’ll have to walk on your own, though!” The sight of her smile deflating like a balloon gave me the inner strength I needed to continue walking up the _long_ flight of stairs. Marisa had offered to take us up there when she found out I couldn’t fly and that Suika was still intent on being Suika, but it seemed my ability rejected her broom’s ability to fly so long as I was touching it. Her generosity ended right around the time Suika suggested I hop on Marisa’s shoulders and have her fly us there that way. I didn’t blame her at all for flying ahead without another word.

“Oh come on! Just one drink, that’s all I ask! I think you owe me at _least_ that much for today, don’t you?” She whined.

“How can you even say that with a straight face?” Because honestly, you have to have _some_ shame, right? Right?

“What’s the problem? I said I’d toughen you up and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do! Consider it a promise from an oni!” She smacked her chest with her fist. I’m frightened. “If we keep this up, then you won’t have to worry if anything goes wrong!” I stopped for a moment on a step when I processed that remark.

“…What do you mean by that, Suika?” I queried, genuinely curious. This was beginning to sound like more than just one of her whims.

“Ah, well… It’s a little embarrassing.” She scratched her cheek. Ah, there’s the shame. “I can’t help with your magic like Ran or Marisa, so I’m just doing what I can. I figure that if I can toughen you up a bit, then it won’t be so dangerous if you slip back here once you head back home. Fairies aren’t too dangerous unless you get them over-excited, so I thought it’d be a good warm-up. Once you get some more basics under your belt, you won’t have to worry about the fairies or the weak youkai too much.” She explained.

“You’ve… really put some thought into this, haven’t you?” I would deny it to my dying days, but I was actually feeling a bit touched by her forethought on my behalf. Just a little, of course.

“I guess so! You’re fun to hang out with, and I’d hate to see you die from something I could have helped you with.” She beamed at me despite the casual mention of death. “And hey, if you get your magic under control, and it’s not dangerous for you to be here anymore, then you can come visit whenever you want!” Ah, so there’s the true motivation.

“…Thanks, Suika.” I smiled honestly at her. I was feeling more at peace right now in this moment than I had felt at any other point since coming here. Even the humming in my brain had fallen almost completely silent.

“Don’t mention it! I wouldn’t have bothered if I thought you were a lost cause. That goes for Ran too, and doubly so for Yukari.” Ah, so I’m not completely hopeless then? Do me a favor and tell that to my clubmates please.

“I got the feeling Ran was pretty much forced into this,” I pointed out. “Yukari, well, no idea what her deal is.”

“Well… yeah. That’s true, I guess. Still, you should have heard Ran nagging me to keep you safe when I dropped by their place earlier. She wouldn’t have gone that far if she thought it was wasted effort.” She tensed up for a moment. “Crap… She’s gonna kill me when she hears about this.” She muttered under her breath before carrying on. “As for Yukari… I’ll let you in on a little secret, since you’re both friends of mine and I want you two to get along.” Yeah, good luck with that one. “Yukari hates wasted potential. I mean, _hates_ it. Get a few drinks in her and she will not shut up about it.” Let’s hold off on getting Yukari drunk around me please? “I’m not surprised she’s so gung-ho after meeting you. After that show you two put on at dinner, I bet she’s pulling out all the stops trying to make this whole thing work out.” Just as she finished talking, we reached the top of the stairs at last. I paused at the entrance to gather my thoughts.

“That’s… interesting, but it still doesn’t really explain much. What is she-” Suika hopped off my shoulders and put a finger on my lips. Impressive feat considering she’s half my size.

“Ah! Let’s leave it at that for now. That’s all you’re getting out of me, alright?” Then she winked and bolted off. “Reimu~! I’m here to play~!” Of course she waited until we arrived to leave. No, not before the endless staircase, not before my first magical fight, not when we were lost in a forest, but _after_ I was done with everything. If I hadn’t been accidentally rejecting my exhaustion this whole time, I’d be seriously pissed right now. Well, whatever. I strode down the path, following the sounds of chaos that Suika left in her wake.

As I walked across the yard to the main shrine, I looked around at my surroundings. Despite the absurdly long flight of stairs and the imposing red torii at the top, the shrine itself wasn’t anything special to look at. There was a stone tiled path that led to a small traditional looking building in the center of a small clearing of trees. Off to the side, there was a shed that looked as if it had seen better days. While the buildings weren’t anything impressive, the view from the top of the stairs was incredible. The sight of the sun beginning to set on Gensokyo stole my breath away.

“Alright, who are you and what do you want?” A voice interrupted my observations. I shifted my attention to a girl with brown-black hair and a red and white miko outfit. She was calm and sat with poise as she sipped her tea. At first glance she didn’t seem to have a care in the world, but the look in her eyes as she stared me down told me that I couldn’t be more wrong. It was a look that demanded respect, and threatened harm if I did not give it to her. This was not someone to take lightly.

“I’m looking for a lost child. Have you seen her?” Ah, crap. She reminded me so much of Yukinoshita that I spoke without thinking. Going by the icy look she was sending me now, I doubted the similarities would end there. Please show mercy.

“Let me guess. About this tall, horns on her head, carries around a gourd of infinite booze?” I nodded dumbly, bracing for the tongue lashing. “Nope. Haven’t seen her.” Surprisingly, one never came. A deafening crash came from behind the shrine, followed by an enormous laser firing into the sky and the sounds of wild laughter. I raised an eyebrow. The girl calmly sipped her tea without reacting in the slightest.

“Somehow… I feel like I should apologize.” I was beginning to feel a bit guilty. Whether I was apologizing for my behavior or Suika’s though, who can say?

“Is that so? I accept cash.” She nodded towards the donation box. Haha, it seems she did have a sense of humor after all- Ah, she’s not joking, is she? She shot me an expectant look as another crash came from behind the shrine. Suika, please don’t make me pay for your property damage. I don’t get much of an allowance, you know?

“Well, fair enough.” I mumbled and moved towards the donation box. Not like I was using the money anyways, considering the free room and board I was currently receiving. The girl’s face lit up with a truly happy smile that unnerved me even more than the mask of ice from before. I reached into my pocket to take out my wallet, her eyes tracking my hand the entire time… and I pulled out a folded-up piece of paper. If this means what I think it means… I unfolded it and read it aloud. “’Dearest Hachi-chan, I stole your wallet and phone. All my love, Yukarin.’” So much for the free room and board. Crap, did I erase my browser history? A despairing groan escaped the shrine maiden’s lips.

“She’s a nuisance even when she’s not here… Well, whatever.” She slouched until her sloppy posture was completely incomparable to her earlier poise. “I guess you’re that ‘Hachiman’ guy she was talking about earlier. You’ve probably figured it out, but I’m Hakurei Reimu. Call me whatever you want, I don’t care. Let’s get one thing straight, though.” Her gaze sharpened and I felt the hairs raise on my arms. “I don’t know what nonsense the gap hag has been filling your head with, but I’m the person who has to clean up after you if you make a mess in Gensokyo. If I were you, I wouldn’t let it come to that, yeah?” In other words, ‘Don’t make me beat the crap out of you.’ How refreshingly blunt. I nodded quickly and she relaxed her glare. “So, introductions are made, now what the hell are you doing here?” Good question. Why _am_ I here?

“No reason in particular, I guess. Suika dragged me here as part of her ‘tour.’” I paused in thought. “Or, well, more like I dragged her here, if you want to be technical.” Reimu looked completely unamused. Yeah, I didn’t think it was a very good joke either.

“Haa? You’re not here to go through the border then?” If that’s what you thought, then why bother asking in the first place? “Guess that means you’ve decided to stick around then?” I stared in confusion at her.

“No, that’s… Didn’t Yukari tell you about my situation?” I had expected Yukari to spill all my secrets to anyone who would listen at the first possible chance. Reimu just looked at me like I was a complete idiot.

“Do you really think she told me any _useful_ information about you? She came by, said some cryptic nonsense, dropped an Incident in my lap, ate my food, then left again.” When she puts it that way, I do feel like an idiot for expecting anything reasonable from that woman. 

“Ah, well, long story short is that I have some magical ability that I can’t control, and that’s how I ended up here in Gensokyo.” I explained, “So even if I leave, I’ll just end up coming right back, since I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Yukari offered to help me get it under control.” Reimu gave me an inscrutable look. I understood immediately. “By that, I mean Yukari is making Ran do it.” Reimu nodded knowingly at that.

“I’m surprised she even-” Whatever scathing remark Reimu had for Yukari’s many faults would go unheard, as a loud voice cut in from behind us.

“Is that true?!” We both looked back to see Marisa, who looked to have gotten in some kind of fight since we had last met, going by her ragged appearance. I suppose that explained the sounds of destruction from before, as well as what Suika had been up to. “Can you do anything cool with it?” She asked with shining eyes.

“You mean besides sending myself to Gensokyo in the first place?” I deadpanned. I don’t know if I would call that ‘cool’, but Yukari had seemed impressed. She seemed like a hard person to impress.

“Yeah, obviously. Everybody I know is able to live in Gensokyo, so that’s nothing special.” Marisa snorted. Reimu just stared at her until Marisa started to fidget.

“Marisa… Do you seriously not get how hard it is for a human to send themselves across the border by _accident_? Even those Moriya idiots had a hard time with it, and they’re _gods._” This time it was Marisa’s turn to stare at Reimu. Seconds later, Marisa spun and pointed a finger in my face.

“You’re human?!” She sputtered. She turned bright red as we all stared dumbfounded at her. So this is my life now, huh? “Ah, geez… that explains the magic thing. I thought you were a newborn youkai or something.” My only condolence is that Marisa was infinitely more embarrassed about the misunderstanding than I was.

“…_As I was saying,_ I’m surprised Yukari even bothered to do that much. She doesn’t even dress herself most of the time. How’d you end up on her radar?” While I pondered the question, their attention was momentarily stolen away by the sight of an oni climbing up onto my shoulders. As for myself, I was already beyond the point of reacting to her Yoda impersonation. “…One question at a time, Reimu…” She mumbled to herself.

“I’m not sure myself… Does she have a dog?” I asked despite knowing the answer already. Marisa was the one who answered.

“She has Ran, but she gets offended if you call her that.” So that’s a no, then. In that case, I probably didn’t save her dog from being hit by a car.

“Then I have no idea. Chen brought me to their home for breakfast in the middle of the night. Next thing I know, Yukari is offering a place to stay and magical tutoring. I think Suika knows what’s going on, but she’s being coy.” As one, we all looked at Suika. She put her hands up and shook her head.

“Hey, don’t look at me! Yukarin always gets all mopey when I explain her motives.” So this has happened before?! What am I saying? Of course it has. Marisa and I were willing to accept that answer, but Reimu narrowed her eyes at the oni. Suika boldly stared back, although I could feel her slight trembling on my shoulders. After a couple of very tense seconds, Reimu snorted and looked away. Suika sighed in relief.

“Well, if Suika is going along with it, then it can’t be that bad. Best of luck with that nonsense. You’re gonna need it.” Reimu tilted her head back and drained the last of her tea. I took her words into consideration.

“Actually, I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to accept her offer yet.” I mumbled. Reimu once again gave a look that screamed ‘Are you an idiot?’

“Are you an idiot?” Oh, she came right out and said it. I suppose she’s right. It’s too risky to acc- “You should _absolutely_ take her offer.” -ept… huh?

“That is… not at all what I thought you were going to say.” I admitted. Were we even having the same conversation here? Reimu gave a frustrated sigh.

“It’s like this. All that meddling you’re worried about Yukari doing? That’s smart. You _should_ be worried about that. The thing is, though… She’s going to do all that no matter what. You’re not in any position to stop her either. So in that case, you’re screwed either way. Make sense?” Surprisingly, yes.

“So… You’re telling me that I might as well get something out of my troubles with her, then.” Certainly not an argument I had considered. Reimu nodded furiously while Marisa snickered off to the side.

“_Yes._ If not for yourself, then do it for me! Do you have any idea how often she comes here? Every time some scheme pops into that senile head of hers, I get roped into it! Do you know what I get out of it?” I opened my mouth, “That’s right! Nothing! She eats my food, she drops an Incident in my lap, then she fucks off somewhere else.” Boy, this has been building for a while, hasn’t it? Maybe if I let her get it out of her system, she’ll forget about the cash I couldn’t pay her with. “Ah well… Anyways,” Rather than continue her rant, she deflated on the spot and addressed the oni on my back. “Suika, this is your idea, so you’re in charge of drinks.” Reimu mentioned offhandedly. Wait, what? Suika snapped off a sloppy salute and immediately shoved the gourd in my face.

“You’ve lost me.” I admitted. “I thought I was just here to see the shrine.” In what was quickly becoming a disturbingly common trend, Reimu once more looked at me like I was a moron.

“What did you _think_ was going to happen when you followed an oni around for a ‘tour’ of Gensokyo?” She questioned. Putting the pieces together, I glared harshly at the oni on my shoulders.

“This is a BYOB bar crawl, isn’t it?” I accused. In the face of my accusation, she simply laughed. Marisa patted me consolingly on the shoulder.

“Welcome to Gensokyo, Hachiman!” She laughed. Great, was everyone an alcoholic in this place? Well, when in fantasy Rome, do as the fantasy Romans do. What’s the worst that could happen?

Shit... Did I really just think that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Welcome back to another chapter. This one fought me the whole way, just like I figured it would when I set out to write my first fight scene. Shit's hard yo. As always, thank you all so much for the kind words and continuing to stick with me. See you next time!


	6. Moonshrine

“…and ya got yourself a pretty sweet deal with that whole ‘reflecting lasers’ thing you got goin’ on, but there’s gotta be some kinda limit or else it’s not fair. My recommendation? Save it for bombs. Kinda gimmicky, but it works out. Have you put any thought into what kinda theme ya want for spell cards? Nah, course not. That’s fine, stick to general purpose ‘til ya know what you’re doing. Ya said Ran was teaching you, right? Well, she’s an Extra boss, so she’ll get ya squared away. Your rate of fire is pretty pathetic so ask her to work on that first. Make sense?” Marisa looked expectantly at me. I stared back like a deer caught in the headlights.

“…I understood maybe 30% of that.” I admitted without shame. Marisa had wasted no time in hitting me with the magic psychobabble and roped me into the discussion as soon as I had a cup of Suika’s concoction pressed into my hand. I would have nodded along at the pauses between sentences to hold up the pretense of following along, but she never even stopped to take a breath. Honestly, I’m not sure what she even expected from me. I was really out of place in this kind of social setting. Marisa sheepishly rubbed the back of her neck from where she sat on the steps of the shrine. Reimu and Suika were currently rolling on the ground wrestling with each other as Reimu tried to beat the crap out of her and Suika tried to do… something that resembled sexual harassment, but was probably just her idea of playing around. Hard to tell with her. Reimu was definitely out for blood, though.

“Hehe… Sorry. I guess I got carried away.” I managed to pull my gaze away from the scuffle and back to Marisa. “I don’t usually get ta act like a senpai. Most people have been doing this stuff longer than me, and the only fresh blood we get anymore is youkai and weirdos.” She said before draining another mysterious bottle and tossing it atop her steadily growing pile. Suika had her ever-lasting gourd, and Marisa had her hammer space hat filled with mysterious concoctions. I wasn’t sure if she was drunk from the alcohol content, or woozy from drinking actual poison. Alcohol should not glow.

“I guess it’s fine, then… just don’t expect me to call you senpai any time soon.” A mental image popped unbidden into my head of ‘senpaiii~’ coming out of my mouth in Isshiki’s voice. I shuddered in disgust and fear. Some things just shouldn’t come to be. “That’s right, you’re human… You look about my age too.” Although that observation didn’t mean as much as it used to. Still, it felt like ages since I had spoken to a fellow human. It wouldn’t hurt to get some more information under the pretense of small talk. “How long have you been doing this stuff for?” I asked curiously. Despite her claims of being less experienced than others, Marisa treated magic with the casualness of someone who was old hat at it… Pun not intended. I was curious at how long a human needed to work at something like that. Marisa grinned widely at my question, seeming happy at my interest in her passion.

“Ya mean magic? I’ve been doing this since I was a little tyke! I was only about this tall when I ran away from home ta get myself a teacher!” She held her hand a few feet off the ground. Hm. She sure didn’t grow much, did she? “Well, some stuff happened, and the rest is history. Got Mima-sama to teach me, set up a nice place in the forest, borrowed some books, and here I am!” Going by the shifty look she was giving Reimu to see if she would interject, there was likely more to the story than that. I didn’t pry, because it wasn’t any of my business. I also didn’t actually care that much.

“Just like that, huh? Well… kudos for picking a path in life and seeing it through, I guess.” I took a sip of the drink Suika had poured for me. Damn, still tasted amazing enough to tempt me into drinking too much. I suppose that was a small blessing, seeing as it’s all I was having that night. I wasn’t going near whatever Marisa was drinking, and Reimu wasn’t sharing hers. Hopefully I could avoid a repeat of the other night by pacing myself. I didn’t fancy my odds, though. Suika had been eyeing me suspiciously for a while now.

“Pffft, what? Quit talking like an old man.” How rude. Kids these days have no respect for their elders! Wait, right, she’s the senpai here. “’Sides, it’s not like it was a tough choice or anything. That first time I saw magic…” Marisa let out a longing sigh and a faint blush rose to her cheeks. “It was just so… so… ya know? There’s no way I could have done anything else… ya know?” Quit asking me if I know when I so clearly do not. With her piece said, she flopped onto her back to stare at the last bit of the sun setting behind the horizon with a contented smile on her face. Admittedly, I was a little envious of her. However, there was one part of what she said that I wasn’t willing to let pass.

“So I get most of that. You saw magic, you fell in love at first sight with magic, then you ran away from home to elope with magic.” Marisa chuckled lightly at my metaphor but didn’t correct my choice of words. “…But the forest? The very same forest that everyone has gone through great pains to tell me is an absolute death trap? You ran away from home to live _there_?” I pressed. And as a kid at the age of however old she was, too! If my sister pulled a stunt like that then I would die of worry right alongside my parents. Marisa sat up and glared at me, seeming slightly insulted.

“Hey, quit dissing my home! It’s not _that_ bad!” She folded her arms and glared. After a moment of staring back at her, she deflated slightly. “…Alright, so it kinda is. Still! Ya just gotta know what to watch out for! It’s only dangerous if you’re an idiot, and I was a smart kid!” It seemed she wasn’t quite ready to let the matter go. “Just don’t go stickin’ your nose where it doesn’t belong and don’t eat any weird stuff and ya got nothing to worry about.” Except the man-eating youkai, of course. Although going by what I’ve heard so far, those weren’t exclusive to the forest.

“’Weird stuff’ like the glowing rainbow mushrooms, then?” I offered instead. I swore they were radioactive at the time, but I was beginning to have my doubts. This place was fantasy through and through. It would be strange to deal with radioactivity of all things in Gensokyo. Before I could move on to a different subject, Marisa firmly grasped my shoulders and turned me to face her intense stare. Damn, this girl was stronger than she looked! I gulped slightly, wondering what was with the sudden intensity.

“Where did you see those mushrooms?” She spoke firmly and evenly. Mushrooms? _That’s_ what all this was about? Despite phrasing it as a question, it had clearly been intended as a demand. The hard stare in her eyes left no doubt of that. Feeling unsettled, I decided then and there to tell her whatever she wanted to know.

“Uh… the forest? Can’t really tell you much beyond that.” Not that I had much to tell her. “They were all over the place, though. Can’t miss them.” I said. She clicked her tongue with an irritated scowl on her face.

“Fine then. Give me your blood.” She demanded with frustration clear in her tone, as if she hadn’t just asked something completely unreasonable of me. My thoughts came to a screeching halt as they tried and failed to process her request.

“That sounds like the exact opposite of a good idea. Also… What?” Because really, I have no idea what’s going on in this conversation anymore. How much did she have to drink? I was taking it easy, so I couldn’t be blamed for this latest bout of insanity. She clicked her tongue again.

“Fine then. A few hairs will work too.” She said and stuck her hand out, not daunted at all by my refusal. Suddenly, a suspicion popped in to my head. I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Did… Did you just demand something unreasonable so that your actual request would seem less ridiculous?” I accused her. She shifted her gaze to the side, refusing to meet my eyes while she fiddled with the hem of her skirt. “You did! What the hell, don’t use my body parts for haggling!” I don’t think I was asking for too much here.

“OK, no sweat. I won’t use them for haggling. What about for magic, then?” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down. I was unamused. “Look, we can go back to the blood if it’ll make you feel better…” She offered with a lazy grin. I couldn’t even tell if she was joking anymore. When had I lost control of this conversation? I needed to get it back before she moved on to requesting organs. I’m pretty sure I still needed those. The liver, at the very least.

“…Only if you tell me what you’ll use it for. Also, I want your word that you won’t use it for anything besides that.” I magnanimously conceded. The first rule of striking a deal with someone is to force the other party in to playing on your terms. Unfortunately, I overestimated Marisa’s sense of honor. It was my fault really. Despite it being implied that she would tell me beforehand, Marisa hadn’t seemed to agree.

“Deal!” As soon as she said the word, there was a sharp pain on my scalp as she ripped several of my hairs out faster than I could see her hand move. She inspected the black hairs in her grip, ignoring the baleful look I sent her way. It wasn’t a pout, no matter what anyone else says. “I can rig up a locating spell with these bad boys.” Marisa explained as she procured a glass bottle from her hat and sealed the hairs inside of it with a cork. “I figure it won’t be too hard to repurpose the spell to retrace your steps, which is all I need them for. I won’t use it to stalk ya or anything like that. Ya have my word, or whatever.” She waved her hand dismissively. Wow, how reassuring. “Might be a little tricky working around the time you were in the Yakumo’s house… Her place is probably as freaky as she is. I’ll figure something out, though. I _gotta_ get those mushrooms.” There’s a joke to be made there, but my Charisma stat was not nearly high enough to escape the beating afterwards.

“What do you even need the mushrooms for?” I asked, rubbing the newly tender area of my scalp. Actually, while we’re on the subject… “Also, on a scale of 1 to 10, how dead would I be if I had eaten them?” I asked. I had certainly been considering testing my luck at the time. She snickered and tore her eyes away from the vial to look at me again. She stored the vial in her hat while she talked.

“Wouldn’t kill ya, but… Trust me, you’re better off not knowing.” I wholeheartedly accepted that response. “I don’t need ‘em for anything _too_ crazy, just an experiment I’ve been working on. It’s real finnicky, and those mushrooms would let me skip a bunch of the more annoying steps. Once it’s done, I should be able to tak- Heeey… instead of telling ya, why not swing by some time and take a look? I can show you some other cool magic stuff while we’re at it!” From one blink to the next, she had gone from sitting several inches away to being right in my face. The closeness to a girl my age might have caused me to blush if her breath hadn’t reeked of booze. “Us human magic folks gotta stick together, after all!” Not a bad offer when all’s said and done. Too bad she lives in the forest. We’ll talk once you move somewhere else, Marisa. For now, I just gave a noncommittal hum and put some distance between us, while pretending to take a long sip of my drink.

“Oho~ Trying to steal one of Ran’s students away, huh?” Suika sat down gracelessly between Marisa and I. Oh, hello Suika. So nice of you to join us. I see you’ve finally managed to pry yourself away from taking Reimu’s innocence. I wonder if that has anything to do with that rapidly healing black eye you’re sporting. Not to worry, I won’t call attention to it. I am, after all, a perfect gentleman.

“Psht, no way. It’s just my duty as senpai to make sure he doesn’t turn out as boring as her, though.” Marisa asserted. “That means I get to show him the cool parts with none of the responsibilities! If I was his teacher, I’d have to deal with the boring stuff too.” By ‘boring stuff’, I would assume she meant safety precautions.

“Will this at all interfere with her goal of keeping me alive?” I questioned, already fearing the answer. The utterly disappointed look she sent me was all the response I needed from her. Why did I bother asking?

“_Ugh_, she’s already gotten to you, man. You’ve gotta fight it!” She bemoaned with a hand dramatically thrown over her forehead. The solitary tear running down her cheek was a nice touch. The tone needs improvement, though. All-in-all, I give her performance a 6/10.

“Oi, knock it off.” Reimu spoke up. She had sat down on Marisa’s other side while acting as if she hadn’t just been wrestling with an oni not even 30 seconds ago. Rather than out of politeness, she scared me too much for me to comment on it. “I’d like at least _one_ Outsider to survive a visit here.” Can we not talk about how likely I am to die for five minutes please? You’ve all made my odds of survival _quite_ clear to me by now.

“What about Sumireko?” Marisa asked. Who?

“What _about_ Sumireko?” Reimu shot back. Harsh. My condolences to whoever Sumireko is. Marisa seemed to think it was funny anyways.

“Come to think of it, I’m surprised you’re even letting this happen right now. You usually don’t drink with people until after you beat them up or they pay you.” Marisa laughed. Reimu looked over at me as I tried and failed not to fidget under her gaze. No matter how much you look at me, I still won’t have any money to give you!

“Pfft, this guy? Look at him. He’s more likely to screw _himself_ over than anyone else. I’m probably gonna have to rescue him from fairies or something.” Reimu snorted. I had the feeling that bragging about beating up those fairies earlier would only attract _more_ ridicule here. Best to just keep my mouth shut here.

“Hey, that’s not true! He beat up a whole bunch of fairies earlier!” Suika boasted. Damn it, Suika. Reimu grinned at the light blush on my face.

“Oh, my mistake then. Please accept my sincerest apologies.” Reimu spoke with a heavy layer of sarcasm. I think we had different definitions of the word ‘sincerest.’

“Your confidence in me is humbling, truly.” I snarked back. Reimu laughed and turned away to engage Marisa in a different conversation. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, as Suika had chosen that moment to strike.

“Heeeey, Hachiman! Buddy! Pal!” Suika threw her arm over my shoulder and pressed up against my side with a mischievous grin on her face. “Did ya really think I wouldn’t notice you nursing the same cup all night?” Suddenly, the friendly gesture showed its true intent. I was trapped. Suika smacked the empty cup out of my hand before pressing the gourd into my palm. Reimu’s glare at the nearly broken cup promised murder. “Drink up!” She grinned brightly at me. I sighed in despair.

“Can’t you let it slide for tonight? I think I’ve had enough excitement for today.” I knew it was a lost cause, but I couldn’t give up without at least a token effort.

“I agree completely! That’s why you should kick back and relax after having some drinks.” So I was doomed no matter what, then?

“Fine, fine… But if I wake up somewhere strange again, you’re taking full responsibility.” What exactly that would entail was a concern all its’ own.

“Aaah, you’re worrying too much again!” Suika waved my perfectly reasonable concerns off. “The world won’t fall apart just cause you decided to cut loose a bit. Come on! You’ve earned it!” I looked at Marisa and Reimu for help, but they were lost in their own conversation.

“Well… Alright. Just a bit, though.”

* * *

“Youth is a _fucking_ lie!” I slurred. “It’s nothing but a bunch of gullible morons eating up the lies their parents tell so they can feel better about their own shitty childhood!” We had moved into the shrine as the night’s chill was just beginning to set in. The interior is about what you would expect when looking at the exterior. The room we were in was your typical Japanese dining area with a low-sitting table and several pillows scattered around it. The inside was slightly worn out, but it had a ‘lived in’ feel to it that made you feel comfortable. There were doors leading to other rooms, but I never used them. Thanks to Suika’s efforts, I doubted I could stand under my own power anymore.

“Ahaha! Preach it, Hachiman!” Suika called out. Orimoto, is that you? If so, please leave! “Tell the one about nice girls again!” Rude. Well, at least nobody could accuse the people in this room of being a nice girl.

“Please stop encouraging him…” Marisa had been cringing in secondhand embarrassment behind her hands since the beginning of my tirade. Going by the haunted look in her eyes when I was ranting about Zaimokuza, I had the distinct feeling that she had gone through a chuuni phase of her own. I had to wonder what that was like when you have actual magic.

“That’s right!” Reimu stood up and planted her foot on the table. “Every time those nosy old crones stir up trouble and make _me_ take care of it, they have the gall to tell me I should relax and enjoy my youth more! I was enjoying it perfectly fine until you came along, you stupid hags! Stupid Yukari!” Hm, why did she reference Yukari twice?

“Oh god, there’s two of them…” Marisa despaired for a moment, then shrugged and grabbed Suika’s gourd. “Well, if you can’t beat ‘em…” She popped the cork and drank for several seconds, with Suika’s accompanying chant of ‘Drink! Drink!’ in the background. While I stared in awe at Marisa’s boldness, Reimu continued on with her rant.

“And what about those damn villagers, huh?! I save their dumbass kids every time they run away from home,” Marisa had just enough shame to look somewhat sheepish at that. “I protect their crops from youkai, I go to those awful festivals, and what do I get? Nothing! Those cheap fucks won’t give me a single discount!” Well, I didn’t know if I agreed with that last part, but I wasn’t going to speak up in their defense. Bastards. “They don’t even have the decency to visit the shrine and donate afterwards. The only people that visit are those damn youkai that I had to protect them from in the first place!” Suika rubbed her nose with an embarrassed look on her face. Come on, Suika. At least pretend to have some shame like Marisa over here.

“Hey, it’s not like that this time at least.” Suika smirked at me. “I mean, Marisa isn’t a youkai.” I waited for her to name me as well, then glared at her when I realized she wasn’t going to bother in the first place. Quit turning my humanity into a joke, damn it!

“Oi, you picking a fight?” I asked in the way only a belligerent drunk could. Contrary to my quite honestly foolish expectations, Suika’s eyes practically lit up from the inside. Suika’s next words confirmed the sinking feeling in my gut.

“Yes! Yes! Let’s fight, Hachiman!” She had risen to a standing position and was bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet with her eyes fixed excitedly on me. Hm. I hadn’t thought this out very well, had I?

“I see… If you’re willing to go that far, then I have no choice but to use my most powerful technique.” I mused to myself. The truly frightening grin that came to Suika’s face at my words only cemented my course of action. Without standing, I put my knees together, planted my hands firmly to the ground, and lowered my head as low as it would go. “This Hikigaya Hachiman humbly beseeches your mercy.” Behold, the ancient technique known as dogeza, passed down by embarrassed government officials from generation to generation! I was fully prepared to start crying if this wasn’t good enough for her. Nobody wants to beat up a crying man.

“Oh come on! What are you doing, moron?! Don’t you have any shame?!” Suika cried out. I don’t want to hear that from you of all people! I raised my head and glared her directly in the eyes, causing her to flinch minutely. In spite of that, there was a spark of hope in her eyes.

“None whatsoever!” I said firmly before lowering my head to the ground once more. What good is pride when faced with someone that could fold you like a pretzel? Not that I think Suika would do that, but well… She had already expressed an interest in ‘toughening me up.’ I was scared of what that would mean in a direct confrontation with her. A loud sigh from Reimu drew the room’s attention to her.

“Would you get up already? You’re gonna make my drink taste bad…” Reimu grimaced, before turning to Suika. “No fighting in the shrine.” Suika clicked her tongue but didn’t press the issue. I nodded and sat up once more. Looking around, I could see the atmosphere had grown a bit awkward. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to use one of my 108 skills.

“Those bastards wouldn’t let me into the village when I tried to go there for help! Those shitty guards called me a youkai and then sent me on my merry way back through that hellhole of a forest just because my eyes are a little bit creepy. My sister said they look ‘sort of OK’ once!” I complained. Sure she had tacked on ‘from across the room’ to the end of it, but it still counted. What’s important is that my little sister thinks I look fine.

“Ehhhh, he’s just continuing the rant from before?!” Marisa exclaimed with a newfound flush on her cheeks. That’s right. This skill allowed me to ignore all social cues and continue on as normal. Truly a must-have for any loner not wanting to be wrapped up in drama… Not that it had been of much use in the service club. Wow, I must be drunker than I thought if I was pulling that one out.

“This isn’t over, Hachiman. I’ll get that fight.” Suika grumbled and pouted before taking another drink. Terrifying. However, that was a problem for future Hachiman. Better him than me, I say. Instead of brushing off my rant like the other two, Reimu was staring at me with a furrow in her brow.

“The guards turned you away at the gates?” She scowled as I nodded. “Those… Ugh, those morons. Even if you _were_ a youkai, they’re supposed to let you in after having Keine vouch for you.” The person who was going to let me sleep on their classroom floor? Just what kind of position do they hold in the village? She seemed to notice my state of confusion. “Half youkai. She’d have known you’re human. Probably would have given an interview if you were a youkai.” How the hell does someone become _half_ a youkai?! Questions for later.

“Ah, I heard something about that from Rumia actually. She said they were on high alert because the guard captain’s kid was killed by a youkai… or something to that effect. She thought I was a youkai trying to sneak in to the village.” I scoffed with no real malice. I couldn’t truly be mad at a girl like Rumia, after all. Reimu didn’t seem to agree. At hearing her name, Reimu’s face smoothed out into a frighteningly blank visage.

“Ehhh? Rumia said that, huh? Did she mention anything else about the village?” Her tone was friendly and even, but I still felt the sensation of ice down my spine. It said a lot about Reimu that acting friendly just made her scarier. I frantically shook my head after giving it a bit of thought. The tension disappeared as she let out a sigh. I let out a sigh of my own, not realizing I had been holding my breath. “Another dead end… Guess I’ll have to beat the answers out of her myself.” I heard her mumble just loud enough for me to hear. Did she say ‘beat’ just now?

“Is… there a problem?” I asked after regaining a bit of my lost courage.

“Hm? Not really. Well, not yet anyways. A few humans from the village have been going missing lately, but nobody has seen them leave. If this keeps up then human and youkai relations might get strained, which means I’ll need to take care of it.” She shrugged. “It’s probably just some upstart youkai I need to beat up. That’s usually how these things tend to go.” She explained nonchalantly. Just like that, I didn’t quite feel so bad about not being allowed into the village. Rest in peace, you selfish bastards.

“I know allll about stupid villagers, man. My dad wouldn’t even let me learn magic!” Marisa slurred after slouching on top of Reimu. To Reimu’s credit, she only looked a little annoyed.

“Good call on his part. He must have known how much of a bum you’d turn out to be.” Reimu shot back. OK, so maybe more than a ‘little.’

“Ah? What was that? You pickin’ a fight, Reimu?” Marisa glared. Déjà vu.

“Pfft, of course not. After all, it wouldn’t be much of a fight if it’s you vs. me.” Reimu teased with a smirk on her face. Marisa chuckled at that.

“Yeah, yer right. Guess it wouldn’t be.” Marisa laughed, completely missing the barb.

“I was insulting you, you idiot.” Reimu said. Marisa’s laughter suddenly cut out.

“’Idiot?!’ That’s it!” Marisa pulled out a strange octagonal box from her hat and pointed it towards Reimu. Just staring at it sent my danger senses into overdrive. Light began to coalesce at the center of it and put off a frightening amount of heat.

“Not at my shrine, Marisa!” Just as the light was beginning to form into a solid shape, a black and white orb flew from Reimu’s sleeve straight into Marisa’s face, sending her crashing through both the thin doors at the entrance. “Argh, my shrine! You better pay for those!” After shamelessly shifting the blame onto Marisa, Reimu soared out the lightly smoking hole in the shrine. Suika chuckled from the side as I tried to pick my jaw off the floor. That was a lot that had just happened in rapid succession.

“Heh. Those two are so dishonest.” Suika laughed again at the look of confusion I sent her way. “Reimu’s really wound up over those disappearances in the village. Marisa was picking a fight with her so Reimu could blow off some steam… Not that she didn’t want to fight in the first place.” I see. Quite a bit of subtext I was missing out on there. Well, best to leave them to it. Before I could even begin to look for a nice place to relax away from the action, Suika began tugging at my sleeve. “Come on, Hachiman! Let’s get a closer look! We’ve gotta get higher!” She said. She moved to climb onto me but stopped when I put a hand in front of her face.

“Nope! No way! I’ve been carrying you all day and I’m not doing it again!” I stated as firmly as I could. If that failed, I would just need to point out that I probably couldn’t stand up. Suika tilted her head in thought for a moment, then shrugged with an easy grin on her lips. The next thing I knew, I was scooped into her arms and being carried like a dainty little princess. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” I pleaded with her to let me down. I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for, but I was too embarrassed to deal with this. This was even worse than if she’d threatened to fight me again.

“Hold on tight!” Without a chance to do as she said, Suika kicked off the ground and sailed through the hole in the shrine at a blinding speed. I clutched her neck with my arms as tight as I could as her feet skid on the shrine grounds. “Ack! Hachiman! Can’t breathe!” I loosened up a bit, then immediately retightened as Suika kicked the ground once more, this time sending us vertical. This was not how I wanted to be introduced to flying. Thankfully, our destination was only to the roof of the shrine. As soon as Suika landed, she unceremoniously dropped me onto the ground. I opened my mouth to complain at her rough handling, but my breath was stolen away when I caught sight of their fight in my peripherals. Wordlessly, Suika passed me a cup filled with sake and relaxed while watching the show herself. I mindlessly took a sip as I watched the display. Not a word was exchanged between us.

The only danmaku I had experienced up to this point was my own fight with the fairies. While that had been intense for me at the time, I now understood that Marisa wasn’t exaggerating when she said it was impressive ‘for a beginner.’ As I looked on, the night sky was filled with incredible patterns that utilized magic of all shapes, sizes, and colors. Normally a sight such as this would create a considerable amount of light pollution, but the stars could be clearly seen even with the ongoing performance. The patterns themselves were awe-inspiring to see, but the _truly_ incredible part was the two human shapes that effortlessly ducked and weaved between each projectile with only bare centimeters to spare each time. Rather than a fight, I felt like I was watching a unique form of art.

I raised my cup to take another drink and clicked my tongue when I found it was empty. I hadn’t been paying attention to my intake while watching the performance. I turned to Suika to ask for more, but it ended up being unnecessary. The green haired girl sitting between us passed me Suika’s gourd without me needing to ask. I raised a silent toast in thanks to the empty patch of air and resumed watching the danmaku, occasionally taking a sip straight from the gourd. The complexity of the patterns had begun to vanish, instead being replaced with speed and power. They were too far away for me to tell if anyone had been hit, especially when considering how they were both scraping as close to as many projectiles as they possibly could. Sadly, that’s when things began to get fuzzy. I never did find out who won that fight.

* * *

I was awoken by the rhythmic pounding inside of my own head. Not to be bested, I was alerted to the fact that my entire body was sore as well. I grumbled and rolled over to try and get comfortable and was startled into immediate alertness by the sensation of falling. I flailed in panic thinking I had just thrown myself off of Reimu’s roof. I hit the ground before I could even brace for impact. Luckily for me, I had only fallen a few inches. Still hurt like hell though. What an awful way to start the day. Maybe I could just lie there forever and never face the world? Tempting, but I suppose I had to face reality some time. I pried my eyes open and tried not to cry out from the sunlight stabbing into my retinae. It would seem that even my powers of rejection weren’t enough to stop a hangover. Then, as I took in my surroundings, I blinked once. Twice. Thrice. What the hell…?

I was currently sprawled out on top of a concrete sidewalk, next to a metal bench that I had presumably been asleep on moments ago. A short distance away there was an empty playground, occupied by a rundown jungle gym and a set of swings. I recognized this place. I recognized it because it was the same park I biked past every single day to and from school. That meant… I was back in Chiba! Well, let’s not get too hasty there. Let’s run through some tropes. Maybe this is actually a fake world created by some spooky youkai to lull me into a false sense of security for… some reason. Or maybe Gensokyo was actually just a crazy dream I had cooked up… Yeah, that was probably it. That place made no sense in reality. I ruefully shook my head. Truly, the mind was capable of creating strange new worlds. I wonder what these dreams said about my psyche?

“Hey, are you awake yet?” Yes, truly the mind is capable of creating strange fantasies. Strange fantasies such as a small girl stuck into the ground by her horns. A strange girl that happened to look like Suika. Well, guess this is real then. Damn. That meant I actually had to deal with this.

“I can see your underwear, Suika.” I said in lieu of answering her question. Thanks to the magic of gravity, her long skirt had folded until it covered her head. She didn’t seem too worried about, so I suppose I wouldn’t be either. Hm? Why wasn’t I embarrassed by this situation? Because it’s Suika, of course.

“Big deal.” She laughed it off. “Everyone has seen everyone else’s underwear in Gensokyo.” Now that she mentioned it, why is it that people who can fly insist on wearing skirts and dresses all the time? I suppose it helps that they can throw magic at anyone who acts like a pervert. “Now help me up already! My arms are too short to reach the ground!” She proceeded to demonstrate this by wildly waving her arms around. Are you an oni or a t-rex? Regardless, I walked over and hefted her out of the ground. After freeing her and flipping her over I moved to set her on the ground, but she took advantage of my show of weakness by quickly scrabbling onto my shoulders. Et tu, Suika? She made a show of looking around us with her hand to shadow her eyes. “Huh… Where are we? I don’t remember seeing a place like this before.” She was talking to herself. I doubted she expected to get the answer from me.

“I’m pretty sure we’re in Chiba.” Suika looked at me with a blank stare. “You know… Japan? Which is Outside of Gensokyo?” She stared dumbfounded for a moment and then squealed in sheer delight, causing me to temporarily lose most of my hearing in one ear.

“That’s great! I haven’t seen Japan in centuries! Yukarin said they’ve done a lot since then, but I haven’t been able to explore since they put the barrier up.” To my pleasant surprise, she hopped off my shoulders and landed on her feet. “Come on, come on! Let’s go!” She was pointing excitedly down the path.

“Go _where_, Suika? I’m not even supposed to be here right now.” I hadn’t even known I _could_ be here right now, let alone have Suika here with me. Actually, that brought up a good point. “Didn’t Chen say something about youkai not being able to live out here?” I pointed out. She _looked_ fine, but the last thing I want on my conscience is Suika dying from magical nonsense. That’s supposed to be my schtick.

“Oh! That’s only for weak youkai, so it’s not a problem for me. I’m a lot weaker now, but I should be fine!” She punched an open palm, creating a visible shockwave from the impact. How exactly is that weaker? “Come on, you’re from here right? Show me around! Show me that, eh… What did you call it? Saize?” Because of course I rambled about Saize while drinking. Thankfully, I could stop this in its’ tracks.

“No can do. I don’t have any money, remember? Yukari stole my wallet.” I said this apathetically, but that was going to be a real problem if I was stuck here for too long. Ugh, ‘stuck.’ Listen to me talking about being ‘stuck’ in my own hometown. Thinking of a tentative plan, I reached to my pocket to check the time on my phone… shortly before realizing Yukari had stolen that as well. Ah well, approximation should work just as well. “The sun looks like it’s been up for a bit. My sister should be leaving for school right about now, so we can head to my house and figure out what to do next.” I didn’t verbalize it, but I was looking forward to being home again so soon after resigning myself to not seeing it for a while. “You stick out like a sore thumb, so we need to try not to be seen-”

“Hikki?!” A familiar voice came from behind me.

Well. That plan fell apart faster than I thought it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for the wait this time! This chapter was… Hoo, what can I even say about this chapter? I had to rewrite this thing 4 times before I had something I was happy with. I was genuinely beginning to get worried that I’d have to say ‘screw it’ and post a chapter I disliked. Luckily, it didn’t turn out that way. However… I am posting this at the end of a very long editing spree. Normally I would wait a bit and then do a final sweep before publishing, but I am honestly sick of looking at it. Sorry if there’s errors! I’ll probably fix it later if there is! Anyways, that’s all for now. Once again, thank you all for reading this fic. It means more to me than you know. Bye for now!


	7. Have you seen this oni?

“Hikki… what… why… where have you been?!” Yuigahama Yui cried out after confirming that I was indeed me. Her face was mix of frustration and relief that left me feeling distinctly uncomfortable. Faced with this situation, I honestly wasn’t sure what to say in my defense. Despite having several days to do so, I hadn’t even tried to think of a cover story for myself. I was busy! Sue me! Gee, it sure would be nice if my power acted up now and saved me from this awkward conversation by sending me to Gensokyo… No? Nothing? Terrific. If there was any blessing in this situation, it was that Yuigahama brought her dog with her. Suika was occupied with playing with the dog, meaning she couldn’t make this situation any worse than it already was. Shit… I just jinxed it, didn’t I? Better keep her in my peripherals. Just in case.

“I’m not actually sure what to say right now.” I decided to go with blunt honesty. It had little to do with believing it to be the best approach, and more to do with a lack of better ideas or time to think of any. Even I needed time to come up with a good lie. I would have settled for a bad lie as well, but I didn’t even have that much. “I could just tell you the truth, but it’s so ridiculous that I would actually think less of you if you believed me,” I said wryly while watching Suika play with her intellectual equal.

“Ehh~? Why would you think less of me for believing you?! That’s so mean!” Yuigahama pouted, completely missing the point of what I was actually telling her. Please try to keep up, Yuigahama. This is hard enough as it is. “Come on, tell me! Tell me!” She stomped her foot and screwed her face into what I’m sure _she_ thought was a glare, but even that display was too much to maintain as her expression quickly melted away into one of trepidation. “And um… Who is that, Hikki?” She pointed nervously at Suika with her eyes fixed on her horns, while Suika was lying on the ground with Yuigahama’s dog hopping on her chest. Confusion was an understandable reaction on Yuigahama’s part, although I’m surprised she was so focused on the horns. Her outfit deserved just as much ridicule as the rest of her. Honestly, what was with the chains and shapes?

“That’s… Well, she falls under the ‘ridiculous’ part of the story,” I said in lieu of explaining. And wasn’t _that_ an understatement? “I don’t suppose you’d buy cosplay as an excuse?” I asked without actually expecting anything. They were pretty obviously not fake no matter how you looked at them. Yuigahama’s eyes widened in shock.

“Huh…? You mean they’re real?!” She exclaimed. Damn it! I overestimated Yuigahama’s observational skills! This situation was bad enough without shooting myself in the foot, so why did I insist on doing it anyways? “Hikki…” Yuigahama tentatively started after noticing my panic. “It’s… You… I don’t know what’s going on!” She started out softly but quickly lost patience and snapped at me. “I don’t know what’s going on… but if you need help, then I’ll help you. So quit trying to keep it to yourself and let me help you!” I guiltily averted my eyes from the frustrated tears in her eyes. Her emotional attacks had only become more potent after opening up to the service club that day. Now she knew exactly where to hit for critical damage.

“I… Look, this isn’t something you can help wi- Oi, Suika! Knock it off already!” I snapped in Suika’s direction. My diligence towards her had paid off in the end. Sure, my train of thought was now completely derailed, but that was a small price to pay for stopping her shenanigans in the early stages. Suika jumped from my shout before hiding her gourd behind her back and whistling unconvincingly, as if I hadn’t just caught her in the act of trying to get Yuigahama’s dog to take a drink of sake. I glared for a moment longer to illustrate that I was watching her before turning back to Yuigahama, who was now staring intensely at me. “What?” I asked, prompting Yuigahama to shake herself out of her stupor.

“…Nothing.” She said unconvincingly. My father warned me on the danger of girls saying nothing is wrong when prompted, but he never taught me how to confront the issue. Even worse, I had no choice but to let the issue lie, lest I invite further rebuke towards my own subject dodging. “So her name is Suika?” She asked rhetorically. “Where did you meet- No, I mean, how long have you guys known each other? I don’t think you’ve ever talked about her before, so…” Yuigahama seemed as unsure what to ask about as I was about how to explain. Good to know I wasn’t alone in my confusion. I suppose this was a safe question, so I decided to answer honestly.

“Just a couple of days. I met her while…” I trailed off. Hm. I suppose I can’t just say ‘while I was drinking,’ can I? So much for a safe question. “…I was at a food stand. We talked a bit and now she’s following me around.” Yuigahama seemed completely unimpressed with my obvious omission of the truth. I was equally unimpressed with it myself. Alright, well, I was already sick of this. I decided to leave it as another problem for future Hachiman to deal with. Sucks to be that guy. “Fine, fine, I’ll tell you everything later, alright? Now is a _really_ bad time. Give me some time to think about how to talk about it.” I nearly begged, even though such an act was clearly beneath me. To my utter relief, Yuigahama’s face lit up in satisfaction. Good, I wouldn’t need to go from ‘nearly begging’ to ‘actually begging.’

“Stupid Hikki… You should have just said that from the beginning.” She pouted, but the corners of her lips pulling up betrayed her true feelings. Nobody could accuse Yuigahama of being hard to read. She eyed my school uniform for a moment before immediately brightening. “Hey, let’s go to school together! Ah, but I have to drop Sable off at home first…” She mumbled, seemingly losing her nerve immediately. Nice save. In a normal situation, you might have accidentally committed yourself to the unfortunate fate of being seen walking to school with me. Nice to see Yuigahama was finally learning some self-awareness.

“I’m not going to school today,” I bluntly stated. “Suika is an absolute disaster of a person, so I’m not letting her out of my sights.” I shuddered at the thought of what kind of hell she would raise if left alone in a heavily populated area like Chiba. I could see it now… It would all start with being arrested for underaged drinking and snowball from there when the nice officer tries to confiscate her gourd. There would be anarchy in the streets.

“Um… Hikki?” Yuigahama hesitantly spoke up, breaking me out of my thoughts as nervously pointed over my shoulder in Suika’s direction. It was about that time that I realized I had taken my attention off of her for more than a couple of seconds. You know, like an idiot. I took a deep breath and resolved myself as I turned to deal with her latest bit of chaos… only to be greeted by the sight of Yuigahama’s dog sitting patiently and staring me in the eyes. Its’ tail thumped the ground slightly when it saw that I was looking. Sadly, Suika was nowhere to be seen.

“Ah. Well. That’s… Hm.” I floundered as I stared into the unoccupied patch of air, feeling the remainder of my hopes and dreams for an easy day slip through my grasp. I mentally slapped myself and bolted down the path into town. “Gotta go. Every second counts. Later, Yui!” I shouted frantically over my shoulder as I sprinted down the pavement.

“Y-Yui?!” I heard her shriek in embarrassment as I turned the corner out of the park without pausing. Great, now I would have to apologize for slipping and being overly familiar with her later. Gensokyo’s loose standards for familiarity were rubbing off on me. I shoved those thoughts away and focused entirely on the current situation. Knowing Suika, she would be seeking the nearest source of alcohol. With that in mind, the logical choice would be for me to check the bars while asking around in case anyone else spotted her. With an appearance like that, it couldn’t be _that_ hard to find her.

* * *

I sighed dejectedly as I passed yet another closed bar. I hadn’t factored the time of day into my plan. Only the seedy bars would be open at this time of day, and I hadn’t the foggiest idea of how to find one. Maybe if _someone_ hadn’t stolen my phone, I could have tried searching for them online… Not that it would have done me any good in the first place. Trying to locate a hard-to-find bar defeats the whole purpose. If I, a local, have no luck finding this place without resorting to online searches, then what are the chances of a fish out of water like Suika finding it? Well, assuming she doesn’t have supernatural means of finding it. I wasn’t writing that possibility off, but I refused to build a plan around something that idiotic.

The streak of bad luck continued straight into the other part of my plan as well. The only people walking around at this time of day were the poor corporate slaves making their way into the office. Now, you may be wondering why this is a problem. Let me ask you this. Have you ever tried asking a no-nonsense man in a suit if he’s seen a little girl with horns and chains drunkenly stumbling around? I assure you, it’s not easy to do. It’s even worse when you make Charisma your dump stat like I did. Everyone I tried asking so far just kept walking without looking twice at the suspicious character they no doubt saw me as.

And so, just like that, I was out of ideas right from the get-go. What was with my plans and immediately falling apart today? With that plan scrapped, I didn’t even have enough material to work with to form a plan B. The problem was a fundamental lack of understanding. While I would begrudgingly admit that Suika and I had been getting along, I didn’t actually know much about her. Certainly not enough to guess her next move like some evil mastermind out of a cartoon. Grimacing, I resolved myself to fruitlessly asking around in the hopes that someone had seen her. Maybe I could tell the police there was a lost child? Ugh, no, the whole point is I’m trying to keep the police _away_ from her.

“Hikki! There you are!” Yuigahama’s voice rang out from down the block, snapping me out of my thoughts. I stood in place as she caught up to me, where she proceeded to hunch over with both hands on her knees as she caught her breath. Finally, she raised her head and glared ineffectively at me. “I finally found you! I can’t believe you ignored my calls!” I opened my mouth to respond and was immediately cut off. “Don’t you _dare_ say your phone was turned off. Komachi already told me you always keep it on in case she calls you.” Betrayed by my own sister! Unbelievable! No, wait, that’s pretty much the norm. Komachi is lucky she’s so cute.

“What are you even doing here?” I asked stupefied. Yuigahama sighed and rolled her eyes. Kids these days. No respect, I tell you!

“I’m here to help you, stupid_._ I mean, you looked so freaked out before! What kind of friend would I be if I just left you alone?” As someone without friends, you really shouldn’t be asking me. She looked away and twirled a strand of hair with her finger. “I’m sorry… It’s all my fault she wandered off. You must be so worried about her…” She trailed off. Sorry, but you’ve got it completely backwards. I’m worried about everyone else around her.

“No, I pretty much expected she would do something like this. Anyways, shouldn’t you be in class right now?” I tried. She sighed and rolled her eyes again. Yes, I suppose it was a long shot appealing to Yuigahama’s scholarly side.

“Shouldn’t _you?_” She fired back. Well, she had me there. More importantly, when did Yuigahama get this sassy? Was this a consequence of hanging out with Yukinoshita too long? If I was facing the possibility of two Yukinoshita’s in the service club, then maybe I should just stay in Gensokyo. Faced with Yuigahama’s stubborn nosiness, I felt my resolve crumble. I slouched over and sighed in resignation.

“Fine, fine. If you’re so dead set on helping me, then I’ll put you to work. You better not slack off.” I sighed. Yuigahama snapped off a sloppy salute with a happy grin. That’s a good attitude, soldier. In that case, let’s use this as a learning opportunity. I’ll have her ask around while I supervise her efforts. This experience with lazy management will prepare her for the brutal reality of life as a wage slave. Never let it be said that I’m not a generous friend. If you think about it, then I’m actually helping her more than she’s helping me. Well, I won’t hold it against her.

“So… Do we have any clues where she could be?” Yuigahama spoke up from my side as we aimlessly walked down the row of stores just beginning to open for business. “We could call her… Do you know her phone number?” She asked with the kind of voice of someone that already knows the answer but feels the need to ask anyways. Even if she did have a phone, why on earth would I have her number?

“Not a clue. I thought she might be at a bar, but nobody is open right now. The only thing I can think of is to ask around if anyone has seen her. No luck so far.” I admitted, letting some of my frustration leak out. How hard could it possibly be to find an oni in my hometown? Suika was quite literally the least subtle person I had ever met in my life.

“Mmm… That’s a shame. I wanted to ask Yukinon for help, but I don’t want to get her in trouble with her family for skipping class…” Yuigahama sighed. Obviously. Good kids don’t skip class, _Yuigahama_. It’s not too late to turn away from the delinquent lifestyle, you know. “Wait. Why would she be at a bar? Isn’t she like twelve?” She asked.

“Well… she’s older than she looks. I told you it was complicated.” I pointed out. Thankfully, Yuigahama took my words at face value this time.

“Ehh, so that’s how it is… Still, wouldn’t everyone else see her as a kid? I don’t think they’d even let her into a bar. They’re pretty strict about that stuff.” She pointed out. What a reasonable conclusion. Why is it that I needed Yuigahama to point this out to me? I must be losing my touch.

“I guess not. That doesn’t really help us, though. Besides rampant alcoholism, I don’t actually know anything about her. I can’t think of anywhere else she’d want to- Ah.” My voice leaked out at the end as a thought popped into my head. That’s right, she _did_ say she wanted to go somewhere… but that’s so stupid! Wait. “Right, I forgot I was dealing with an idiot.” I mumbled. Trying to use logic and common sense was the exact opposite of what I should be doing here. “Alright, I think I know where she is. Let’s go.” I stated and quickly walked off without waiting for a response. The place was only a few blocks away from where we were standing. I couldn’t hear police sirens, so it must not be too late yet.

“Eh- Hikki!” Yuigahama scrambled to keep up with me. “Where are we going?” She asked after several quiet moments, only to receive an answer in the form of stopping in front of a building and pointing at a sign. “Saizeriya? Oh, are you hungry? Come on, this isn’t the time for that! Didn’t you say every second counts?” She questioned. I gazed at her with pity in my eyes before entering the restaurant, completely ignoring the angry complaints thrown at my back. I glanced around a bit and immediately knew I was in the right place. I couldn’t see her, but there was no need to in the first place. The way every last customer was craning their heads in the same direction and whispering to each other under their breath told me all I needed to know. Without hesitation, I walked in the direction of the disturbance.

“-need to pay for that, miss!” Snippets of a conversation reached me as I drew close to the soda fountain. I shoved my way through the ring of gawking bystanders and was greeted to the sight of Suika holding down the dispense button on several different drinks on the machine. Her eyes were practically sparkling as the various drinks poured endlessly and overflowed onto the ground and a poor employee’s shoes. Steeling my heart, I approached her uncaring of the bystander’s gazes and the quickly spreading puddle. She noticed my arrival just as I was within arms reach of her.

“Hachiman! Hachiman!” Suika looked up at me with wonder and glee in her eyes. “This place is amazing! Look, they’ve got infinite drinks too! How do they do it? Yukarin said the Outside doesn’t have magic and the employees won’t tell me! These aren’t alcohol, though… Hey, do they have any with alcohol? My gourd only does sake! Can we find one with bourbon? I wanna try it! Let’s go find one! Come on!” The questions and requests spilled out of her mouth as endlessly as the booze from her gourd. Finally, I had enough and decided to take a page out of Ran’s book and lift her up by the back of her neck. She went completely limp as if she was an unruly kitten, but her endless chatter never paused once. Prize in hand, I hastily made my way out of the restaurant with nothing but an apologetic nod to the employees and some sticky shoes for my troubles. Whatever Suika got up to, I needed to get away before they snapped out of their stupor and made me pay for it.

“At least tell me you didn’t break anything.” I begged her as we made our escape through the front entrance. Yuigahama remained silent as I conducted my interrogation. Tellingly, she refused to make eye contact. From someone who refused to lie, this was as good as a confession. I sighed heavily and set her back on her feet. “Fine, then don’t tell me anything. I only have to deal with it if I actually know about it.” Suika just nodded wisely as she stroked her imaginary beard with her fingers. I glanced over at Yuigahama with half-lidded eyes, who had done nothing but stare at Suika since leaving Saize. “Satisfied? If you leave now, you probably won’t be too late for class.” I pointed out. That snapped her out of her stupor long enough to send another harmless glare at me. Thankfully that was one skill she had yet to learn from Yukinoshita.

“I’m not going to school unless you’re going!” She folded her arms and looked away. I was hoping this bout of insanity would have scared her off. I know I certainly would have left by now. “So? What’s it gonna be?” She gave her ultimatum. Suika looked amused at the byplay but elected to say nothing. Filthy traitor.

“Not happening. As I have just demonstrated, Suika is not to be left alone under any circumstance. I’m dragging her to my house and squeezing some answers out of her,” I denied her. “Stop being an idiot. There’s nothing you can help me with right now. Just go to school and forget about this. I’ll tell you about it later.” I pleaded. Unfortunately, Yuigahama only became more stubborn as I talked.

“Yeah, like I’m believing that! You wouldn’t tell me even if you were in trouble, so I don’t have a choice but to stay either way,” She pouted.

“I’m not-! Listen, it’s complicated!” I tried again, but Yuigahama was having none of it. Suika, quit snickering over there!

“You already said that! If it’s complicated, then _explain_ it to me! Do you think I’m too stupid to help you? Is that it?” She raised her voice. I dragged my hand down my face in frustration.

“No,” I grit out. “It doesn’t matter! It’s just not something that…” My words were stolen away by the sight across the street. Yui noticed my distraction and followed my gaze, only to freeze in place as well. On a familiar bike, there was someone with a very familiar body riding the bike with an even more familiar little sister riding on the back with her head turned away from us. However, the rider was not looking away. The rider wearing my face was looking at us with an absolutely dumbfounded look, but they managed to tear their gaze away to focus on their riding. I couldn’t blame them for prioritizing Komachi’s safety. Extra points on that impersonation of me.

“Huh,” Suika spoke up in the heavy silence. “Looks like Ran got a head start.” Way to state the obvious, Suika.

“Yeah. Looks like it.” I nodded dumbly, taking a moment to look for the silver lining. “Guess that means we can head to my house then. There shouldn’t be anyone else home. It’s the middle of the week, so my parents probably didn’t even come home last night.” Those poor souls. Gensokyo didn’t seem nearly as bad as the hell they were stuck in. “No, wait, that’s no good… My neighbors might see ‘me’ coming back and get confused-”

“Why are you so calm about this?!” Yuigahama finally snapped out of it and delivered a timely tsukkomi. “Why did that person look like you? Wait!” She gasped and took a step back before pointing a finger at my face. “How do I know _you’re_ the real Hikki? Show me proof!” She demanded with narrowed eyes. I see. My apologies, Yuigahama. You leave me no other choice but to stamp this out before it escalates further. My idiocy quota for the day was reached several hours ago.

“For your birthday I gave you a collar for your dog as a present and you wore it thinking it was for you.” I said flatly. Suika folded over laughing with both hands on her stomach as Yuigahama’s face turned bright red.

“OK. I believe you. Please never mention this again,” She squeaked. Huh, I thought for sure that would earn me a beating. Lucky break. “That still doesn’t explain why you have a dopplerganger though,” She spoke after taking a moment to calm herself down.

“It’s doppelganger. Please pick up a book some time, I feel it would be beneficial to everyone who talks to you,” I said dryly. Suika snickered while taking a drink, wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes. “It pisses me off that you’re the only one having fun here, Suika,” I fired at her.

“Oh? I can give you a drink if you want!” She magnanimously offered the gourd to me. Tempting… but I’ll have to pass. Yuigahama saved me from needing to deny the pushy oni.

“Hikki! I read too! Just because I’m not smart like you or Yukinon doesn’t mean I’m a total failure!” She said with emphasis on ‘total.’ The fact she needed that qualifier in the first place spoke volumes. “And you’re dodging the question again!” She accused.

“Yep. Sure am. Suika, we should probably get back to Gensokyo now. How do we do that?” I asked Suika, deciding to just ignore the problem of answering Yuigahama for now. She was already upset with me, so what was a little more? More importantly, I probably should deal with the actual life-threatening situation of not accidentally crossing over to somewhere dangerous in Gensokyo.

“We should be able to cross over at the Hakurei shrine on this side. I think there’s other ways in, but that’s the only one I know,” Suika hummed. Alright, a clear and concise solution! We were finally getting somewhere.

“Fantastic. Where is that?” I asked with a budding hope. Suika just shrugged with a dumb look on her face. Great. Wonderful. Just perfect. This is what I get for having expectations, I guess.

“Hikki, what are you two talking about? What is ‘Gensokyo?’” Yuigahama insistently made her presence clear. However, any further stalling for time on my part would have to wait, as Yuigahama’s phone began to play some generic catchy pop song. She took her phone out of her skirt pocket and froze after looking at the screen. “Uhhhh,” She eloquently stated before turning the phone towards me. The screen read ‘Incoming call from Hikki.’ Idly, I wondered if she would be less or more surprised if it was actually me calling her of my own volition. She shakily answered the call. “H-Hello?.... Oh. Um. OK. I’ll put you on speaker.” She pressed a button and the familiar voice of Ran came through the speaker.

“-does that mean? Hello? Are you still there? What do you mean by ‘speaker?’ Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?” Ran was hitting us with rapid fire questions faster than anyone could reasonably be expected to answer.

“Um. Hey, Ran,” I cut her off before she could continue. “That means we can all hear you,” I explained, saving her from further embarrassment.

“I see… How useful!” She said with a ‘so that’s how it is’ tone. Who knew Ran had a cute side? “More importantly, just what are you doing here, Hachiman?! I thought we reached an understanding about this! It’s not safe for you to be here just yet!” And just like that, the cute side vanished completely as she switched straight to reprimand mode. I winced as Yui sent a glare with actual heat at me, likely for not mentioning that bit about it being unsafe for me to be here. I was getting to it! Probably! “Honestly… If you had simply told me you were that homesick, I would have been more than happy to escort you for a short visit. There’s no need to sneak around behind my back like this, young man.” I could practically see her wagging her finger at me on the other end. My ears were burning bright red while Suika wheezed with laughter.

“It’s not like I planned on it! Last thing I remember I was drin- I mean, I was engaging in Suika’s pastime of choice.” Yuigahama had yet to stop glaring at me since the beginning of the call. In fact, her displeasure had only intensified at my near slip of the truth. “In fact, please blame her for this. She’s been getting off way too easy in all this.” I shamelessly shifted the blame. Rather than get angry, Suika actually seemed to agree with my judgment. “Wait, what are _you_ doing here? I don’t remember agreeing to Yukari’s deal.” I accused. Was _this_ why Yukari stole my stuff? Admittedly that’s less frightening than what I thought she was doing with my things, but still!

“Rest assured, Suika’s impending punishment will be swift and merciless.” Ran sharply stated, to Suika’s apparent dismay. A weary and troubled sigh came through the phone afterwards. “As for this situation… I do apologize. I am here under Yukari-sama’s orders. In her exact words, ‘It will be funny whatever he decides, so let’s just go ahead and get started now.’ I fear she will only feel vindicated once she learns of today,” She spoke in a near monotone. Stay strong, Ran!

“Ah, I see… Sorry about that.” I apologized. For what, I didn’t know. I just felt that someone needed to apologize to her, so it might as well be me. “Well… enough of that. Like I was saying, I don’t know how we got here, but-” I was cut off by Suika shoving me away from the phone and speaking excitedly into the speaker.

“I know how we got here!” Suika chirped. Oh, this should be good. As expected, this was all Suika’s fault. “We were partying all night at Reimu’s and I was getting tired but Reimu wouldn’t let me sleep in the shrine! Can you believe that?” After seeing your idea of bonding with her? Yes. Yes I can. “So then I made Hachiman carry me since he doesn’t sleep anyways. Lucky guy, right? Too bad his sense of direction is terrible though, so he walked right through the border and then we were at a park, and then he dropped me on my head and fell asleep on the bench. Poor guy had _way_ too much to drink. Some people just don’t know their limits, ya know?” She said proudly and without shame. As expected, this was all my fault. I shamefully averted my eyes as Yuigahama’s glare threatened to burn a hole in the back of my head. Meanwhile, Ran just gave an exasperated laugh.

“Yes, of _course_ he just walked right through the Barrier. Accidentally. While heavily inebriated. And carrying a youkai. It’s not as if the barrier was built specifically to prevent such a thing, or that it’s an incredibly difficult process that even gods would balk at.” Wow, I’m pretty amazing, huh? “I see now that training you will be a full-time job, Hachiman.” She said with tired resignation.

“…I’ll be in your care, Sensei?” I said half-jokingly. Ran was silent for so long that I wondered if she had hung up on us. I could hardly blame her if that was the case. I wanted to leave too. However, that was when I noticed she was quietly mumbling to herself on the other end.

“Sensei… Sensei… Yes, that has a nice ring to it… Ran-sensei…” She mumbled to herself over and over again with frightening intensity. Scary! “Yes! I won’t let you down, Hachiman! I will do everything in my power to ensure you have a proper upbringing as a member of society!” Ran spoke with passion in her heart. Damn it, not another one! If she tries to sign me up for a club against my will, then I’m running in the other direction.

“Uh. Right. Thanks.” I responded awkwardly. What happened to my awkwardly aloof sensei? Bring her back! I glared at Suika as if this was her fault, to which she shrugged as if acknowledging I was probably right. “_As I was saying_, I don’t actually know how to get back to Gensokyo. Any help?”

“Hmm… I suppose you could go to the Hakurei shrine on this side, but I have a simpler solution. I’m unfortunately preoccupied with this foolish charade, so I can’t take you myself.” Oi, that ‘foolish charade’ you’re referring to is my life. Even if you’re right, you shouldn’t say it! “I will send a message to Yukari-sama when she wakes up and request for her to pick you up. Until then, feel free to enjoy a pleasant day to yourself walking around the city. Oh, and try not be spotted by too many people.” She said kindly. I grimaced at the idea of killing time wandering around instead of lazing around in my bedroom. Just what kind of person did she take me for?

“Can’t we just wake Yukari up and have her gap me now?” I sternly voiced my displeasure. I didn’t whine. Absolutely not.

“Hachiman… Trust me. If you think she is insufferable now, then you do not want to see what she is like after being awoken,” Ran stated. Suika nodded frantically to the remark. I decided to trust the wisdom of my elders on this one. “Ah, I should be going, but before that… Do you have any requests for breakfast tonight? Allergies I should be aware of?” Ran seamlessly switched tracks.

“Not… really?” I hedged, caught on my back foot. Ran hummed thoughtfully.

“I see… You didn’t seem to have any problems with the selection the other night, so that should suffice for now. You and I will have plenty of time to discuss preferences later. This is unrelated, but about your sister-” The sound of the 5-minute school bell rang in the background. “It seems I am out of time. I will notify you when I am able. Until then.” She concluded the conversation all on her own.

“Wai-” I was interrupted by the dial tone. Ah well. I had wanted to give her some advice on imitating me, but I doubted she could do any more damage to my reputation than I had. I was curious what she had to say about my sister, but I had seen her safe and sound not too long ago, so it likely wasn’t important. “You heard her. We need to kill time for at least 8 hours… Probably more if Yukari is as lazy as I think she is. It needs to be something free because I’m broke. Oh, and nowhere with too many people because Ran is currently impersonating me.” I calmly stated. Truthfully I just didn’t want to deal with any crowds rather than avoid being spotted.

“…How about the library?” Yuigahama suggested, still looking like she had more to say to me but thankfully willing to hold her peace for now. “Who knows, maybe I’ll even read a book or two while we’re there.” Alright, maybe not quite willing to hold her peace after all. That said, the library seemed like a good plan. However, there was one problem… This all depended on the destructive potential of a bored oni. I glanced doubtfully at Suika to gauge her opinion on the matter, which amounted to a noncommittal shrug.

“Ehhh… libraries aren’t really my thing, but I wouldn’t say no to catching up on some sleep. It’s harder than you’d think to sleep upside down.” She replied. Considering how hard I already thought that was, it was quite a feat. Yuigahama and I shrugged at each other before we set off as a group. “But geez, it sure didn’t take you long to flip Ran’s mom switch, huh?” Suika playfully elbowed my side, nearly sending me to the ground.

“It’s not like I was aiming for that… I was fine with the awkwardly distant student teacher thing we had going.” I wheezed, subtly probing for broken ribs. “Is there something in Gensokyo’s water or something? You guys warm up to people so quick it’s disgusting.” Suika snorted, but worryingly did not deny it.

“That’s just how it is,” She shrugged. “Youkai are used to having to work for making friends, so when ya gather ‘em all up they either try to kill each other or get all cozy. Usually both,” She explained. That was a surprisingly well-articulated point from Suika and gave me a lot to think about. “Hey… you think they have any books on youkai? I bet those’ll be good for a laugh!” She cackled. And just like that my newfound respect for her plummeted. The worst part was that it was actually a good idea. I would make that my primary goal as soon as Yuigahama didn’t look 10 seconds away from wringing my neck. I silently increased the pace towards the library in the hopes that her desire to stay quiet would outweigh her desire to murder me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Kept you waiting, huh? This time of year is really rough for me, so probably expect slow releases until the spring. This chapter might seem a bit short, but that’s less to do with this time of year being rough and more because I decided to split this one in half. The latter half was getting longer and longer as I kept coming up with new ideas, so I realized it was getting to the point that it was best served as its’ own thing. The good news is that this means the next chapter is already completely outlined and has a large chunk of it written, so it shouldn’t be too much longer to finish it. Emphasis on ‘shouldn’t.’ Anyways, enough of that. What’d you think of the chapter? Yui is good. She is also 100% done with Hachiman’s shit after he’s been missing for several days with zero explanation. As always, thanks for reading! Next chapter, library shenanigans.


	8. Knowledge is power

“Look, all I’m saying is that I don’t get the appeal of cars or trains or whatever. What’s wrong with walking?” Suika repeated for at least the fourth time in the past hour. Why was it taking over an hour to reach our destination? Multiple reasons, all of which could be answered with ‘Suika’ one way or the other. Would _you_ take an oni on a train? Yeah, didn’t think so.

“The problem is distance and time,” I explained once more in the hopes that this would be the time I would get through to her, “Let’s say your boss wants you in at work at 8 AM sharp, which is of course code for 7:50 AM sharp at _least_,” I trailed off upon seeing Suika’s lost expression, but decided I was in too deep to stop now. “As a typical Japanese salaryman, you probably weren’t home until the wee hours of the night as a consequence of being exploited for unpaid overtime by an uncaring corporate machine. Upon arriving home to your cheap apartment, you might have figured that you already weren’t getting a full night’s sleep, so maybe you even squeezed in an hour of personal time before finally getting to bed. Now this leaves you with a choice; would you rather wake up an hour early and walk to work, or sleep in for another 45 minutes and drive yourself there?” Suika thought silently about it before her eyes lit up in some form of understanding. Could it be?

“I think I get it… In that case, I’d quit my job and go back to sleep!” Suika said with great satisfaction. She folded her arms over her chest and gave a proud ‘How’s that?’ grin.

“That’s right. It seems you finally understand,” I sincerely congratulated her and grasped her shoulder to show solidarity. I hadn’t thought I’d ever get through to her, but it seems I had been underestimating her all along. She managed to come to the correct answer all on her own. Yuigahama looked upon our interaction with disgust.

“That didn’t explain anything! Quit giving gross explanations, Hikki!” Yuigahama chided me. I don’t want to hear any complaints from someone who couldn’t even bring herself to look away from her phone this whole time! Sure enough, a now-familiar chime from her phone dragged her attention away from us and back to her conversation. A faint ‘Ehh~?’ escaped her lips before she began furiously typing a response. Kids these days!

“I covered the important parts,” I waved it off, comfortable in the knowledge that she was no longer listening to me. No doubt she was occupied with reassuring her mindless clique about her absence from school with empty reassurances and even emptier platitudes that people like them so enjoy. I winced as I processed that thought. That was overly harsh even by my standards. I’d been feeling strangely irritated since waking up on that park bench, and I was only now noticing the effects it was having on me. Any guess as to the source was beyond me.

“Man, Yukarin was right. Humans on the Outside have gotten _weird_ in the last century. I thought she was just messing with me when she told me all that crap…” As a human currently on the Outside, I take some offense at that remark. Not because it isn’t true, but because you’re not supposed to say it out loud. “The villagers suck, but even they’re not as bad as all of that. Well, most of them anyways. Some of them are kinda…” Suika grimaced, no doubt from thinking of the villagers. Yes, I completely understand your reaction, Suika. I myself have a similar expression when thinking about them.

Bastards.

“I can’t say I’m a fan of people here either, but at least they didn’t call me a youkai and throw me into a forest.” Yet. There was still time. “Like with anyone else, they’re just terrible in their own unique ways. As society developed and other people’s opinions became able to make a tangible impact on your livelihood, humans had no choice but to become sneakier when it came to expressing their cruelty. That means- and you’re not listening.” I trailed off as she stopped in the middle of the sidewalk with her eyes glued to a store window with several electronic toys displayed. Just like I had previously, I elected to give her a few minutes before dragging her off. So long as she stayed within sight, I saw no problems. The whole point of this trip was to kill time, so I’d take what I could get. I winced slightly as I realized this once again had the side-effect of leaving me alone with my thoughts.

With Suika occupied being an obvious tourist and Yuigahama tied up with her phone like the millennial she was, I was given the time to sort through my situation and make plans for the near future. This seemed like a good thing on paper, but I was apparently terrible at it and had made no progress. Yuigahama wanted answers and I wanted to give them to her, but at the same time there was a substantial part of me that didn’t. Why not? No clue. Whatever the reason, the hesitation was there, and it would continue to drive me up the wall unless I figured it out. That being said, I made sure to keep Suika in my sights in spite of my inner conflict. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… well, still shame on you. How dare you fool me twice! Stupefied oni in sight, I allowed myself to retreat into my thoughts.

Let’s take a look at the past few days. Everything thus far had happened so quickly that I had been perpetually stuck on my backfoot and operating entirely on instinct, AKA letting the logical side of my brain handle things while the emotional side of my brain was having a gibbering panic attack in some dark corner of my head. Lost in an insanely dangerous forest? Find a way out ASAP, don’t think about dying. Mistaken for a youkai and banned from civilization? Ah well, guess I’ll hang out with the actual youkai, don’t think about dying. Offer of shelter from a scary lady that might kill me? I was probably going to die in Gensokyo anyways, so I might as well do it in comfort while trying not to think about dying. Exact copy of myself taking over my life? Well, I didn’t actually know the proper way to react to that one, but I think I did an OK job. I didn’t even have to worry about dying for that one.

The point is my way of handling things felt… off. Not _bad_, just… off. And yet, looking back I don’t think I would have done anything differently in hindsight. Could that be where the feelings came from? After all, Hikigaya Hachiman is a creature filled with regrets over the past. I learned from my history so that I was not doomed to repeat my mistakes, but that only meant that I was free to make entirely new mistakes. Hell, it was only recently that I had some _severe_ mistakes pointed out to me. Was I just anxious because things were going well, and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop? I wracked my brains for any other explanations, but I was sadly derailed by the increasingly familiar feeling of someone clambering onto my shoulders once again. Looks like my time was up. I thought I had a couple more minutes of Suika’s gawking left to go, but clearly it wasn’t meant to be.

“Why.” It was less of a question and more of a statement. Still, I felt that single word carried a large amount of emotion with it.

“Why what?” Suika’s voice came from my side, freezing me in place. Suika was still standing in front of the display window. That’s right, I never let her out of my sights, so how could it be her? Yuigahama looked up from her phone to stare in concern at me, sensing something off in the air with her highly tuned social kung fu. The weight on my back giggled lightly, raising the hair on my arms. Neither Suika nor Yuigahama reacted to the laughter at all.

“…Nothing. Never mind. Come on, let’s get going,” I spoke slowly and haltingly as I began to walk again, this time keeping some distance between myself and them. Yuigahama looked up from her phone every now and again to stare oddly at me, whereas Suika never quite let me entirely out of her sight. I sighed lightly, preparing myself for a tough conversation once I was certain there was enough distance between myself and the girls. “So, what will it take to convince you not to break my neck?” I asked casually, but my heart was racing. Whatever this youkai was, and I had no doubts it was a youkai, they had me dead to rights. I could only assume the worst and hope for the best in a situation like this. If negotiations broke down, then it was my hope that Suika would have enough time to react and keep Yuigahama safe.

“Mmm~ I dunno! Whatcha got?” A girlish voice chirruped directly next to my ear, sending a different kind of shiver down my spine. Damned teenage hormones! Not the time! She didn’t bother waiting for a reply as she stuck her hands in my pockets and began to fish around in them. She was likely just looking for my wallet, but it’s not nice to give men false hope, you know? “Awww what? Nothing?” She whined. Oh right. Yukari already robbed me. I doubted she knew this would happen, but that wouldn’t stop me from blaming everything on her anyways. “Since you don’t have anything does that mean I have to break your neck now?” She wondered aloud, as if she didn’t particularly care one way or the other. The sheer callousness of the remark told me everything I needed to know.

“If you break my neck then you’ll have to walk on your own,” I blurted out as my mind raced to think of a real argument to get out of the youkai’s grip. That almost alien part of my brain began to silently hum as my stress levels elevated and my body prepared for a fight. “Or I could-” I started, but it was wholly unnecessary.

“I could fly, but… I guess that’s fine too,” She said happily as she changed her grip to a light hold. It was only the fact that she was behind me that kept me from gawking at her. That actually worked? She wasn’t going to kill me? Who would have thought that my anti-bully strategy would come in handy here? After all, there’s no need to fight against your aggressors if you can just make yourself so annoying that’s it’s more convenient to leave you be. I never took it to the same extremes as Zaimokuza, but I can safely say that-

“Are you braiding my hair right now?” I said blandly, completely losing that train of thought. The scary stranger’s fingers were working locks of my hair into no-doubt intricate knots while humming an offkey tune. It was admittedly relaxing. Despite keeping my voice low, Suika shot me a strange look from the corner of her eyes. Her gaze drifted up to my hair, and her mouth set into a smirk moments later. Don’t laugh at me! I’m fighting for my life here! Probably. I wasn’t really sure about that anymore.

“Mm-hm! Your hair isn’t very pretty, so I’m fixing it!” She said this without stopping her fingers. “Onee-chan’s hair isn’t much longer than yours, but she pulls off the scruffy look so much better than you.” Her words were like daggers into my thankfully already deadened self-esteem. I wasn’t aiming for the scruffy look, I was aiming for the lightly tousled look! My sister said it looked great! Well, her exact words were ‘I guess that’s the best you can hope for,’ but that’s pretty much the same thing if you think about it.

“Ehhh?!” Yuigahama’s voice rang out, dragging all our attention to her. She didn’t seem to notice and just resumed her texting with a renewed fervor. No doubt Miura had just inundated her on some inane detail that was extremely fascinating to anyone without a brain. I winced again at the harshness of the thought, wondering where that had come from. Sure, Yuigahama was indisputably slow, but there was at least a brain in that head. There was no time for that though, so I shook it off as best I could.

“So, what are you?” I asked, grimacing as I realized I had said ‘what’ instead of ‘who’ like anyone with an ounce of tact would have. It seemed someone had replaced my silver tongue with aluminum while I was distracted.

“I’m a girl!” My warm backpack cheered. Thank you for the clarification, but I was already perfectly aware of that due to two very soft reasons pressing into my back. “Oh, you probably meant species, huh? I’m a youkai!” She cheered with the exact same level of pep from her first answer, and also with the exact same level of obviousness. Was she messing with me? I was having trouble reading her without a face to put a voice to.

“…I figured as much. Humans don’t really climb onto my shoulders that much.” Not since Komachi entered her rebellious phase, anyways. “What _kind_ of youkai are you? Any tentacles I need to worry about?” I pressed, only half-joking. Any humor I felt died a quick death as several thin purple tentacles began to flit in and out of my view. I really hoped this wasn’t going where years of the internet led me to believe this was going. Was it too late to talk her into snapping my neck instead?

“Ohh~ Why didn’t you say so sooner? I’m a satori!” She answered, and I immediately tensed up. Satori, weren’t those the mind readers? And this whole time I’ve been… thinking about things I really shouldn’t be, but are perfectly normal for a boy my age to be thinking about. “Ah, you’re thinking of something perverted!” She laughed. Shit, she really was reading my thoughts!

“H-Huh? Nah, that’s not me. You’re probably reading Yuigahama’s thoughts. She’s a total pervert.” I dug myself deeper and deeper into my hole. If this youkai didn’t kill me, then Yuigahama definitely would. “Don’t bring it up though, she hates when people talk about it. I think she’s embarrassed.” I instantly tried to do damage control, but I knew better than to hope for success. I glanced at her to gauge her levels of murderousness, but she was occupied with giggling at her phone.

“Silly, I can’t read people’s thoughts! Nee-san said boys are always thinking about something perverted.” Now that’s just rude! Boys aren’t always thinking about- wait, ‘nee-san’? As in another satori? Hmm, maybe she’s onto something there. Who am I to disagree with a mind reader? The satori’s hands stopped playing with my hair momentarily as an outstretched index finger entered the top of my peripherals. “That one’s Yukigahora, right? Yeah, she does look like a perv…” Yep. Super dead. Also that wasn’t even remotely close to her name, are you even trying?

“So, why can’t you read people’s thoughts? I could be wrong, but I thought that was a satori thing. Did the books get that one wrong?” I desperately changed the subject. It wouldn’t save me from eventual righteous retribution, but I had to try. “My name is Hikigaya Hachiman, by the way.” Quickly, distract her with manners you really should have shown from the beginning!

“I know! I’ve been following you for a while now!” She laughed as if that wasn’t creepy as hell. A cute face leaned over into my sight, somehow not losing the hat to the grips of gravity. Just like every youkai besides Yukari I had met thus far, she was an exceedingly cute young girl. Her hair was a bright green that gave off a fleeting sense of familiarity, but one that I couldn’t quite place. On a second glance, one of the thin purple tentacles was being used to keep her hat settled onto her hair. I thought I saw an orb on one of the tentacles, but I was never able to get a good look at it. Her eyes… I swallowed hard when I met her gaze. “My name is Komeiji Koishi! Nice to meet you, Hoshizora!” She grinned happily, but the look in her eyes never once changed. They remained empty from beginning to end.

“Yeah… You too,” I mumbled, not bothering to correct her. I hadn’t known it was possible to get a sense of uncanny valley from someone’s eyes alone until I met her. Everything about her body language and facial expression gave off a feeling of warm happiness and contentment, but there wasn’t a single emotion to be found in her green eyes no matter how hard I looked. I was reminded of my first meeting with Yukinoshita Haruno, but this was on a completely different level. Haruno carefully hid her emotions away behind layers of masks. Koishi wore a mask as well, but I doubted there was anything hidden beneath it.

“You were right about satori, though. Thanks to our third eye,” The purple orb flitted into view, showing details I had missed until then, such as the eyelashes and the crude stitching through the center. The whole time, she continued to stare directly into my eyes as I walked onward, hoping I wouldn’t hit a telephone pole or walk into traffic. “We can read the hearts of others. But, well, people’s hearts aren’t very nice, you know?” A cold feeling of dread formed in the pit of my stomach as the pieces began to put themselves together.

“I think I get it. So you closed your ‘third eye’ to stop yourself from hearing the cruelty of others,” I guessed. Koishi’s grin widened as she nodded with not-quite joy on her face. The cold feeling in my stomach intensified at the confirmation. This girl…

“Yep yep! I’m kind of an idiot, though…” She bonked her head with a closed fist and stuck her tongue out. “I just wanted to shut the voices up, to stop hearing everyone’s thoughts, but I didn’t know it would shut my own thoughts up too!” She giggled lightly, as if she was sharing an embarrassing anecdote from her childhood.

“Do you regret it?” I asked, despite knowing the answer already. Koishi gave a thoughtful hum and tilted her head slightly, her face screwed up in thought. For a single moment I thought I might have seen her third eye twitch lightly, but I easily chalked it up to my own wishful thinking.

“I dunno! I guess I probably should, huh?” Koishi waved it off with little care before going back to staring into my face. “Your eyes are so creepy, Hikikiki. That’s OK, though. People say my eyes are creepy all the time! Hey, hey, wanna be friends? We can be creepy eye buddies!” She asked with pure hopeful joy radiating from her every pore. I felt for this girl, I could say this with absolute heartfelt honesty. When confronted with the two-facedness of humanity, the idea that someone would treat her kindly while plainly broadcasting their intent to stab her in the back, she had withdrawn from it all. As someone who suffered from this exact thing in the past and swore to never let it happen again, I felt I could understand her like few others could.

“Sorry, that’s impossible. I don’t think I could ever be friends with you,” I said without looking away from her eyes. Her face screwed up in disappointment, but as I expected, the look of her eyes didn’t change at all. It was because I understood her experiences and the decision she had made that I could wholeheartedly say that the existence known as Komeiji Koishi filled with me disgust. Calling someone like this a ‘friend’ would cheapen the meaning of the word simply by including her under the definition. Someone like her was incapable of giving me what I sought.

“Ehh~ what’s with that? Learn to read the mood, you idiot!” Koishi whined loudly, lightly beating her fists on my shoulders as she finally got out of my face. I said nothing and just kept walking while she got it out of her system on my poor shoulders. I felt much more comfortable now that I knew more about her. After all, it’s not like she was capable of being angry in the first place. After several seconds of silence, she hummed thoughtfully. “Hmm… Then, does that make us enemies? I could still break your neck, you know…” She asked meaningfully, her voice laced with a hint of not-quite-malice, but also not-quite-levity. Luckily, I was prepared for our conversation to take this turn.

“Not really. I don’t like you, but I don’t dislike you either,” I answered honestly. If I had to put my feelings for her into words, I suppose I would make liberal use of the words ‘disgust’ and ‘pity.’ As for ‘like’ or ‘dislike’, I couldn’t say I felt anything like that for her. How ironic that my feelings for such a half-assed girl would be so half-assed in return.

“Hm? Hmmmm? Hmmm…” She hummed to herself with various tones as she tried to process my words. With the revelations from before, I wasn’t nearly as afraid of her as I was at the beginning of our conversation. That said, there was always the chance she would do something completely unexpected and put me in danger. “…Ah!” she gasped as she reached a conclusion. I tensed slightly, preparing for whatever the outcome may be. “Not quite friends, not quite enemies… that makes us rivals then!” Her voice carried a certain gravitas as she completely shattered all tension in the air.

“Uhhhhh,” I eloquently stated. I thought I had been ready for something totally unexpected, but it seemed that was beyond me after all. I wasn’t given a chance to rearrange my worldview around this new development and offer a rebuttal, as Koishi excitedly gave me an expectant look that seemed to scream ‘I’m right, right? Praise me, Onii-san!’ Alright so maybe her expression didn’t actually say that, but I was running critically low on Komachium. I was delirious! “Rivals have to be competitive over a shared goal, so I don’t think we qualify.” I weakly stated rather than directly refute her.

“Is that so? Then what are you good at, Hijikata?” She asked. Oi, do I look like shinsengumi to you? Please don’t answer that as it will likely hurt my feelings either way. Now then, how to phrase my response without admitting that I’m not actually good at anything- “I’ve got it! From now on, you and I are love rivals!” Are we even having the same conversation anymore?! At least give me a chance to answer!

“What the hell are you even going on about?!” I snapped at her. Going by the not-quite-joyful laugh she gave, she hadn’t noticed my frayed emotions finally snapping. “There’s no way that I’m-” I began but never got the chance to finish.

“Alright then, the rules are simple! The first one to win Yaoyorozu’s heart is the winner! Now remember, I want a good clean fight. Stop when you hear the whistle, and no hitting below where your belt should be. May the best fighter win!” She pushed off my shoulders and leaped over my head in a strange variation of leap frog and made a direct course for Yuigahama’s position, giggling madly all the while. I reached a hand out to try and stop her from… from… why was I reaching towards Yuigahama? I felt like I was trying to stop someone, but I couldn’t remember what for. Well, whatever. If I couldn’t remember, then it probably wasn’t important to begin with. I shrugged and buried my hands in my blazer’s pockets. Suika looked back at me and grinned as the set of her shoulders relaxed slightly. Wonder what that was all about? She slowed her pace momentarily to let me catch up with her and struck up a conversation.

“How ya holding up back here?” Suika grinned at me. Her hand reached her waist, doubtlessly for her gourd, but froze for a second when her grasp only met air. Her grin turned just a shade sharper than before. “Fine… Fine… I don’t mind sharing, so you better not take advantage of my kindness too much, you hear me? Sooner or later, I’m gonna start getting thirsty,” Her comment was directed at a patch of empty air. Was this a youkai thing I was too human to understand? Well, far be it from me to question someone else’s culture. That’s right, it was purely out of sensitivity, and not because I didn’t want to get involved.

“I’m alright. Just got a lot to think about, I guess,” I answered more or less honestly. Suika placed her chin between her thumb and index finger while adopting a faux serious expression.

“I see, I see… Well, you’re at that age. Nothing to feel ashamed about.” Suika solemnly stated. Really? Going for that low hanging fruit of a joke? I expected better from you, Suika. “More importantly, how are you supposed to be my tour guide when you’re all the way back here? I can’t believe you’d just leave your cute, beautiful, lovely, wonderful, amazing, beautiful friend high and dry in foreign land.” Suika woefully shook her head, raising her hands in a ‘what am I supposed to do with you’ motion.

“You said ‘beautiful’ twice when it didn’t even need to be said once,” I dryly pointed out.

“Ah, you’re right. It just goes without saying, doesn’t it?” She smiled brightly. I chuckled quietly, feeling the corners of my lips pull up. A bit of banter was always a good way to raise my spirits. Yukinoshita might call me a masochist for that thought, but it was far from the worst thing she had called me. Yuigahama shrieked something about alcohol from up ahead, but neither of us paid any attention to it. Her reactions to her phone were getting old. For a moment, I wondered how Yukinoshita might have reacted to all of this talk about magic and youkai instead of Yuigahama.

_‘I always knew you would flee to the comforts of insanity sooner or later, but to think you would attempt to drag others into your delusions… Truly, the fault lies with me for having inflated expectations of you, Hikkicrazy-kun. I must apologize to your family for failing you, though I have no doubt they won’t hold it against me due to already expecting as much.’_ Yeah, something like that, but with far more insinuations of me being a molester of some kind.

“Well, if it’s a tour you want, then I would be happy to oblige,” I started. Suika perked up and gazed at me with eyes shining brightly. “If you’ll look straight ahead, you’ll see the Chiba Municipal Library. Seeing as this is our last stop for the day, that concludes our tour,” I smirked, seeing the light die in her eyes as our destination finally lay in sight.

“You’re so mean, Hachiman…” Suika slumped over, not looking nearly as disappointed as her voice would lead you to believe. Her eyes lit up upon noticing her gourd was now back in its rightful spot at her waist. To celebrate the happy event, she broke away from our conversation to try and drown herself in its contents. Yuigahama had stopped several feet ahead, looking utterly shellshocked as she gazed into the horizon.

“Yuigahama?” She jumped at the sound of my voice. “Everything alri-”

“Yep! Everything’s fine!” She said stiffly as her face erupted into a bright blush. “Definitely nothing to see here! Let’s go!” She hurried onward to the library and entered before I could think to say anything else.

“…Why does she smell like sake?” I wondered aloud before shrugging it off as proximity to Suika. I grabbed Suika and pulled her with me up the steps, but she broke my grip at the top so she could hold the door open for me. What a gentleman! Wait, did that make me the lady? I needed to be more careful then. Hikigaya Hachiman is nobody’s cheap date!

* * *

Chiba Municipal Library was an interesting place. Every few years a new bill would pass to renovate the place, leaving it with an odd mishmash of old and new. All of this was in spite of the fact that most people barely even knew it existed. At this time of day, we practically had the place entirely to ourselves. Still, I felt it was best to avoid tempting fate, so I chose an isolated table near the back of the library to set up our base camp. We each grabbed our own respective stacks of books and made ourselves comfortable for the long wait. As comfortable as you can be with company like this, anyways.

“Hey Hachiman, look at this one! They’ve got a picture of me! Looks just like me, right?” Suika pointed out a picture in the book I was holding, which showcased an enormous hulking beast with thick red skin and tightly corded muscles. The expression on its face radiated sheer malice even through the book’s childlike artstyle. If the trees in the picture were an accurate frame of reference, the monster in the picture was at least four times my size. “Man, those were the good old days…” She sighed wistfully. I honestly couldn’t tell if Suika was joking anymore, and that thought terrified me more than words could express. Like most of my problems since entering Gensokyo, I decided it was best not to think about it.

“Heehee…” Yuigahama giggled at her phone, instead of giggling at the pictures in the anatomy textbooks like she had been for most of the past few hours. Suika had set her gourd on the table once we got settled in, but there were times when I simply lost track of it. Despite never seeing her take a drink, I could no longer deny the fact that Yuigahama was getting steadily drunker as time went on. The only reason we hadn’t been kicked out is because the librarian was stealing drinks of their own from a hip flask. Seriously, was this library OK? Regardless, I tried not to think about it too much.

As for myself, I was tearing through books on Japanese mythology as quickly as my admittedly split focus would allow. I threw in a few books from other countries when Suika offhandedly mentioned Gensokyo having European vampires, but I more or less kept the focus to Japan. Suika was ‘helping’ me with my search, even if it mostly pertained to laughing herself sick whenever a book got something extraordinarily wrong… which happened frequently enough that I was beginning to wonder why I was bothering with this in the first place. It didn’t help that I kept finding mysterious shoujo manga volumes in my stack, with titles like ‘All’s Fair in Love and War!’ and ‘Kyu~n Kyu~n Doki~ Doki~’. One more, I elected not to think about it too much.

“Ugh, I need a break,” I grimaced, slamming shut another unhelpful book. Turns out books on mythology weren’t written with the intent of actually having real world uses. Suika’s gourd was missing again and Yuigahama was back to talking to herself, so I looked over to see what Suika was up to. “Huh… I never took you for the type to be interested in marine biology,” I commented at seeing the thick book that Suika was working through.

“Well, sushi is pretty good…” Suika chuckled at her own joke, “I’m not really the kind of person that likes to read, but there isn’t much else to do here… so I figured I’d at least read about stuff that I can’t find in Gensokyo. Did you know that certain fish in the deep ocean use red light to help them hunt prey because most fish can’t see the color red?” She said excitedly while flipping the book to me and pointing excitedly at the most disgusting looking fish I’d ever seen in my life. At least, I _think_ it was a fish. Suika’s eyes were practically sparkling as she waited for my response.

“Huh, so it’s like how loners are able to talk to each other with body language alone without normal people noticing anything?” I offered, to Suika’s apparent disappointment as she returned to her book.

“Literally nothing about what you just said makes any sense,” She sharply retorted without looking away from page. Wow, rude! Yuigahama giggled at nothing in particular with a light blush on her cheeks. See? Even Yuigahama is unsettled by your lack of manners.

“They have some computers here. I bet you could find some videos of them if you’re interested,” I said offhandedly while stretching out my back, pausing when she winced. “What’s wrong? They don’t have computers in Gensokyo?” I tried not to let the dread I felt at that leak into my question, but I’m unsure how successful I was. How much anime was I going to fall behind on while in Gensokyo? The third season of my favorite anime is airing in a few weeks!

“Not… really?” Suika said, “I mean, Yukari showed me one once, but she just kept showing me these weird pictures and videos and then getting upset when I didn’t laugh. She did that for _hours,_ Hachiman! I had to wait until sunrise when she went to bed before I could get away!” Suika cried with a traumatized expression. While I do understand your trauma in this situation, I can’t help but feel bad for Yukari as well. Who among us hasn’t been in that exact situation before? On the other hand, this is making me feel bad for _Yukari_, which is obviously not right.

“But you guys have ‘shikigami’, right? Aren’t those sort of like computers?” Yuigahama chipped in, snapping out of her one-woman conversation. Wait, what? Where did she hear that from? I couldn’t remember this coming up before.

“Nah, I mean, sort of? Well, Yukari _says_ they are, but I don’t see it myself. I think she just likes making weird connections to make herself seem smarter than she really is,” Suika roasted Yukari with absolutely zero hesitation. It was these sorts of comments that showed me they truly were friends.

“Where did you even get that from? The only thing I’ve read about shikigami so far are these paper charm things,” I said while glaring at the nearly useless books about the Fae. Suika had suggested they’d be more useful as kindling, and I was sorely tempted to test that theory.

“Oh, Ran-chan told me that!” Yuigahama stated happily. My mind whirred as I put the pieces together. So that person she’s been texting all day… Wait, Ran was disguised as me, which means that ‘I’ have been texting in class nearly all day! What’s with that amateur shit, Ran? People are going to see through your disguise instantly if you’re making rookie mistakes like that. If someone sees Hikigaya Hachiman texting all day long, they’ll naturally suspect that I’ve been replaced by my stunt double. “She’s super nice! She answered all my questions and even offered to help with my cooking!” Yuigahama smiled, looking truly pleased about the last part. It seemed that Ran just couldn’t help herself when it came to teaching hopeless people, huh? Source: me.

“Hm, that’s good. I should have thought of that, it would have saved me the headache of trying to figure out what to tell you,” I half-joked, because I had once again completely neglected to spend time thinking of that and instead wasted that time on these incredibly unhelpful books on folklore. Yuigahama just gave me a severely disappointed look. See, this is why I don’t tell more jokes. Nobody appreciates them.

“I didn’t ask her anything about what happened to you,” she stated, to my surprise. My surprise must have shown, as she grew even more upset. “Of course I didn’t ask her! If you don’t want to tell me, then I’m not gonna go behind your back like that! I just…” Yuigahama trailed off, eyes lowering to her clenched hands on the table. “If you don’t want to talk about it then that’s fine, but I- I just want- I _needed_ to know if you were safe, Hikki. Do you know how scared everyone was when you just… disappeared? Yukinon wouldn’t stop crying when you weren’t answering your phone!” Yuigahama remained upset, but it was no longer directed at me, and more of an aimless frustration at the world.

“I…” I choked out, unable to form a sentence. I felt like such an ass. It had never even crossed my mind that my disappearance had hurt someone. Sure, I figured people would be worried, but to be this affected? I hadn’t even considered the possibility. What did I even say to that? ‘Sorry’ didn’t seem like enough somehow, and it wasn’t even my fault. But that wasn’t true, was it? If Yukari was telling the truth, then my twisted mindset had found an entirely new way to hurt the people around me.

“Oh, is that all?” Suika’s out-of-place carefree tone snapped me out of my spiraling thoughts. She was leaning back in her chair and balancing a pencil between her lip and nose. “Don’t sweat it, then. He’s with me now, so I ain’t gonna let anything _too_ bad happen to him on my watch. You can consider that a promise from an oni,” Suika grinned, letting the pencil drop to her visible disappointment. “Heck, even Yukarin likes the guy. You know what she does to guys that mess with people she likes? It’s pretty messed up. Nobody does it anymore unless they’ve got a death wish, and probably not even then.” Note to self, don’t fuck with Yukari. I added that mental note beneath the dozen nearly identical mental notes I had made since meeting her.

“Hehe… Ran-chan told me a lot about you,” Yuigahama looked up finally, with a small smile on her face. Her eyes were red, but she wasn’t crying. “I guess I’ll leave him to you for now. Just be careful, OK? Hikki is an idiot, so you have to stop him when he starts acting gross.” The two of them laughed, for all the world acting like I wasn’t there. Ah, the familiar sounds of two girls calling me gross and laughing about it. I thought I could hear someone else’s laughter for a moment, but there was nobody else here but us. Yuigahama turned back to me looking far more relaxed than before. “Sorry Hikki, I guess I just let my worry get the best of me. You don’t need to tell me anything unless you want to,” She gave me a tender smile filled with an emotion I couldn’t quite place. I grumbled something incoherent while Suika giggled at my embarrassment. “Actually, I do have one question. Why is your hair braided?” Why is my hair what now? Also, why are you blushing while asking that? Thankfully the ringing of Yuigahama’s phone saved me from having to give answers that I did not have.

“Oi, hurry up and answer that before we get kicked out!” I hissed, more to take attention off of me than any actual irritation. I glanced at the librarian to gauge their reaction only to see that they had fallen asleep at their booth. Besides us, there didn’t seem to be anyone else in the building. No seriously, was this place really OK? As Yuigahama fiddled with her phone, I subtly ran my fingers through my hair and sure enough felt several intricate knots that weren’t there before. Just… why?<strike></strike>

“S-sorry. Oh? It’s Ran-chan… Yahallo!” Yuigahama chirped upon answering the phone. A look of surprise stole across her face before she turned a wide smile my way. “Um… It’s for you, actually,” she said while passing me the phone and hiding her smile ineffectively with her other hand. I wordlessly raised an eyebrow, but accepted it nonetheless.

“Yo,” I greeted plainly. I ignored the eye rolls from both Yuigahama and Suika at my form of greeting. A deep intake of breath on the other end of the line was the only warning I received, and it proved insufficient in saving my eardrums.

“OOOO-NIIIIII-CHAAAAN!” A voice so loud that the cheap speaker on Yuigahama’s phone crackled slightly as the sound rang out into the air. Even Suika winced lightly at my side. I noticed none of this however, because I was recoiling from the phone like it had just struck me with a physical blow. After a moment of allowing my brain to catch up to the chain of events, I quickly put the phone back to my still-ringing ear.

“Komachi?!” I asked, my voice an equal mix of surprise and hope. Yuigahama’s concealed smile widened even further, whereas Suika was simply watching me with her face resting on her palm.

“Yep, yep! It’s your adorable little sister!” Komachi responded with no hesitation, once more proving herself as my superior when it came to conversation. “I know better than to expect my useless onii-chan to call me first, so I’m calling you instead. How’s that? Worth tons of points, right?” I felt a tension I hadn’t known existed begin to ease the longer I heard her talk.

“Yeah… I give it at least 3 points,” I fired back, a small smile now sitting firmly on my lips.

“Ehh?! Cheapskate!” Komachi whined. “Just for that, I’m deducting a million points from you!”

“Oi, what’s with these unfair conversion rates? Surely the economy hasn’t tanked _that_ hard while I was gone,” I complained, but the smile never left my face. I wasn’t an idiot, I knew what her calling me meant; Ran had spilled the beans. I hadn’t expected her to fool my sister for long, but now I was wondering if she had even tried.

“Eh? It hasn’t, though? That’s just how serious your offense is!” My adorable sister reprimanded me. Cheeky little… Sounds of muffled chatter came through the speaker. “Oh right, Ran has something to talk to you about too. OK Ran, you’re our next lucky caller!” Several seconds of silence passed after her cue, followed by a sigh from Komachi. “…I put you on speaker, Ran. He can hear you now,” She explained much more plainly this time.

“Truly? Ah, how wonderful!” Ran’s delighted voice came through. Sorry Hiratsuka, but my new teacher is way cuter than you. I guess being out of touch with this generation is only a redeeming quality when it’s _several_ generations. “Good evening, Hachiman. I would like to inform you that Yukari-sama shall awaken shortly, thus I found it necessary to inquire as to your whereabouts. It would be beneficial to all parties to keep Yukari-sama’s search efforts to a minimum.” Her voice was back to formal mode, with the former childlike wonder nowhere to be seen. Somehow that only enhanced the cuteness factor.

“That and she was suuuper worried about you, Onii-chan. She kept asking if you would be fine on your own, if you had enough money for food, if you had any problems with your health…” Komachi snickered, as if the very thought of my qualifications for living in solitude coming into question was worthy of laughter… Which, yeah, that’s fair.

“I was not-!” Ran coughed slightly and regained her calm, “I merely queried your sister as to any potential complications that may arise down the road, as you will fall under my responsibility as your… teacher.” Ran’s voice was prim and measured, only catching slightly at the end. That poor fool had no idea what she was dealing with here. Any second now I would hear the sounds of Ran’s pride shattering via Komachi’s mischievous-

“Hey Onii-chan, Ran has my approval if you want to marry her.” And there it is, just like clockwork. Turns out that the sound of Ran’s pride shattering is a high-pitched squeak of shame.

“Sorry, but I don’t want to deal with her child. Chen was pretty cool, though,” I said dryly, already long used to my sister’s habits.

“But that just means she’ll be able to take care of you when you evolve into your final form as a useless NEET!” Oi, why is that my final form? I refuse! I press B! “Ahh, I’m sorry Ran! I promise I won’t tease you anymore, so please stop pouting,” Komachi plaintively spoke. Don’t believe her lies, Ran! “Alright, I haven’t given up on Ran yet, but she told me that Gensokyo has tons of girls. How about it? Got any nephews and/or nieces for me yet?” Alright, too far. Time to stop this.

“…Komachi, please don’t inquire about my sex life ever again. I’m begging you,” I asked desperately. I didn’t like the twinkle in Suika’s eye at where this conversation was going. I already told you, the loli route is a no-go!

“Fine, fine…” Komachi sighed, and there was silence on both our ends for a time. Eventually, Komachi spoke up with a much smaller voice. “…Hey, Onii-chan? I’m glad you’re OK. I- I was really worried about you. When you didn’t come home, I- and then you _did_ come home, but it wasn’t really _you_ and-” Komachi cut herself off with a stuttered intake of breath. “Sorry, you’re the one going through all this and here I am making it about me… Onii-chan is an idiot, so I have to be clearer if I want him to understand, right?” She joked, but I recognized the forced levity for what it was.

“Yeah… Sorry. You have to be blunt if you want a chance of getting through to your hopeless Onii-chan.” Komachi giggled weakly at my attempt at a joke, bringing a slight smile to my own face.

“Right? Then you better listen close, OK? It’s fine even if you only understand a little bit.” She took a deep breath. “Don’t worry about me, please? Or mom and dad, or the service club, or… or anyone but yourself, OK? Ran didn’t tell me everything, but I know that you _really_ shouldn’t be here right now. You could get hurt! Please don’t come back again until it’s safe for you,” Her voice was mostly worry, but there was a bit of chiding as well.

“It’s not like I meant to come here. I already know it’s not safe, but I guess I got turned around while I was-” I was cut off before I could get too far.

“That’s a lie and you know it.” My teeth clicked shut. “Onii-chan… Please don’t worry about me, OK? The last thing I want is to be the reason you get yourself hurt,” She finished knowingly. I sighed, and gave a wry laugh. My cute little sister really had grown up, hadn’t she? I felt silly for worrying about her in the first place. She always had been more put together than me.

“Alright… I guess I can do that,” I sighed and acknowledged she had a point before moving on. “When Ran is done moping, tell her I’m at the Chiba Municipal Library.”

“I am not _mopin_-” Ran’s distant voice came in before Komachi talked right over her.

“Aye aye, sir!” I imagined the image of Komachi saluting the phone. Cute~ “Just remember, I won’t accept any girl other than Ran as your wife unless they seek my approval first!” Komachi’s serious tone was contrasted by Ran’s embarrassed sputtering. Really, shouldn’t she have had more tolerance than this? She lived with _Yukari._ There were several sounds of an ensuing scuffle, this time followed by a beep as the call cut out. I prayed she would go easy on her. Komachi, that is. That girl is a devil. For a while I just stared at the phone with complicated emotions, before deciding to talk to break the strange silence as I passed Yuigahama’s phone back to her.

“You know, my parents aren’t around much because of work. Never have been, really,” I said offhandedly, not quite sure where I was going with this, but afraid of stopping, nonetheless. “Back when we were kids, Komachi was a huge crybaby. Every little thing set her off. Dad is a sucker for girls crying, so he would do anything to get her to stop, even when it was humiliating for him.” I snickered at the clear memory of my dad stoically having his nails painted a glittery pink. “He’d have done just about anything she asked for, and yet she never once asked him to spend more time at home. Mom used to tell us that they were working for sakes, and I think Komachi actually took that to heart. Honestly, what kind of no-good adult makes half-assed excuses like that to a kid that young? There should be a limit to being shameless,” I scoffed.

“That… But it’s the truth, isn’t it? I mean, my dad’s not home much either, but it’s thanks to him we’re able to live comfortably, you know?” Yuigahama said hesitantly. I snorted bitterly, looking up at the ceiling instead of looking at their expressions. I think a part of me knew I would lose my courage if I could see their faces.

“Hardly. They’re workaholics, plain and simple. The kind of people that live to work, instead of work to live. Don’t get me wrong, I know they love us, but… What’s the point if they aren’t around?” I could vividly remember the day I came home to Komachi crying her eyes out in the living room, after she came home to an empty house. I never talked to her about it, but she certainly noticed when I was always home before her without fail, to make sure she wouldn’t come home to an empty home again. Come to think of it, she stopped crying so much after that. “I’d rather be dead than end up like them. I guess that’s why I decided to come back and check on her rather than stay in Gensokyo,” I distractedly stated, lost in the memories. “Anyways, Yukari should be here soon to take me back. Ran said she was awake-”

“Have you ever talked to them about it?” Yuigahama cut me off. Surprised, I met her stare only to see her determinedly looking back. Suika watched on with interest. “My parents used to fight a lot about my dad’s hours, so he started spending more time with us when he could. It wasn’t a lot, but he does the best that he can and that’s always been enough for my mom and me,” She stared expectantly at me as I really thought about it. _Had_ I ever talked with them about it? I figured I had made my displeasure known, but… Huh. Looking back, I don’t think Komachi and I ever said anything specifically about it to them. A hand on my shoulder snapped me out of those thoughts.

“Well, something to think about later. I think you’ve got enough on your plate already,” Suika, bless her soul, saved me from having my worldview shaken once again. I can only take so many revelations in one day. I thought I felt a hand ruffle my hair, but looking back I only saw air. With the tension broken, Yuigahama smiled and went back to texting on her phone. “So what’s the plan now? Any clue when Yukari’s gonna be here?” Suika asked as she tossed another book onto her pile.

“Nope. She knows where we are now, so I guess we just have to wait. Yukari’s probably going to do something stupid when she gets here, so we might as well enjoy the peace while it lasts,” I shrugged, cracking open another book on urban legends. I flicked to a random page, only to be greeted by an endless black void filled with eyes staring back. The only part of the page that was visible was the title, which simply read ‘Sukima-onna.’ I dispassionately raised an eyebrow, whereas Yuigahama had tipped over in her chair at the sight. I closed the book with perhaps a bit more force than needed. “See, this is what I’m talking about. Would it kill you to use the door? Or the window? I’d settle for the window at this point,” I groaned loudly as muffled giggles came through the closed book.

“Pranks are no fun if you don’t play along, Hachi-chan,” Yukari’s sing-song voice came from above. I tilted my head back and was greeted to the sight of Yukari’s upper body leaning out of a gap. Despite her words, her eyes clearly showed she was having _plenty_ of fun.

“Kyaa,” I spoke in a dull tone. Rather than be upset, Yukari looked positively delighted at my half-assed scream of terror. Truly, I was a fool for going into this meeting sober in spite of the easy access to alcohol. Yuigahama had the right idea, for all the good it seems to have done for her.

“What a nice surprise to meet you here!” Yukari chirped, all smiles. “What brings you to Chiba?” She asked with utter insincerity before narrowing her eyes at me. “Something about you seems different… Did you do something with your hair?” She settled in further to her slouch as she prepared to torment me.

“I live here,” I said tiredly, not quite feeling up to discussing my _apparently_ braided hair that I don’t remember getting. Yukari feigned surprise, because she enjoyed prolonging my suffering.

“Oh! My apologies, I had assumed you lived in a cave of some kind,” She said with a shocked expression on her face, as if still not quite believing that this was not the case.

“Is that so,” I said dully, deciding not to continue down that conversation tree. “Where’s the rest of you anyways? Being an inconvenience somewhere else?” I asked while lethargically leaning my head over to try and peek behind her gap to see what mysteries it beheld. Strangely, the view never shifted no matter what perspective I looked at it with. Yukari gasped in shock once more.

“Trying to sneak a peek at my butt again, Hachi-chan? Please try to control yourself!” She admonished. Shit, she noticed that? Wait… I didn’t actually do that. How dare she accuse me of a crime I would absolutely commit but hadn’t gotten around to committing yet! “I suppose I must applaud your discerning eyes for noticing my best feature so quickly,” She mused while her hands idly toyed with a fan.

“Your best feature is that you own a house,” I scoffed. “And honestly? Even that is creepy as hell.” Any house with an endless hallway as a _feature_ deserves all the scorn it gets.

“How rude! My lair is not creepy!” She pouted as she waved happily at Suika all the while. Suika seemed to be enjoying our impromptu manzai routine more than I was.

“Oi. Calling it a lair automatically makes it creepy,” I pointed out. Honestly, was there anything _more_ suspicious than calling your home a ‘lair?’

“Well I can’t call it a cave… That’s your thing,” She refuted.

“Why are caves suddenly my ‘thing?’” I groaned, putting my head to rest on the table. The change in perspective brought Yuigahama into my peripherals, where I noticed she was watching our back-and-forth with no small amount of trepidation. But why was she…? Oh, right. Yukari was currently halfway sticking out of a crack in reality. Frankly, I should be happy she hadn’t started screaming. “Relax, Yuigahama. I know she’s horrifying to look at, but she’s just here to take me back to Gensokyo, so you don’t need to be afraid of her.” Afraid? No. Annoyed? Absolutely.

“She most certainly does!” Yukari admonished me. “It’s only natural for humans to be afraid of youkai, Hachi-chan. Honestly, you shouldn’t be giving such thoughtless advice to your… Friend? Acquaintance? Hostage? Help me out here.” Stop making this harder than it needs to be, damn it!

“By that logic, shouldn’t I be afraid of you then?” I pointed out to her. Yukari simply smiled as if I was being silly.

“Of course not. Hachi-chan is Hachi-chan.” She nodded as if that explained everything. “You have absolutely no reason to be afraid of me!” What’s with that logic? Ah well, at least she hadn’t joked about me not being human. That one was getting old.

“I can think of at least ten good reasons.” I said, although truthfully I could only think of around six or seven. I was sure I could come up with more if given time though.

“And yet, here we are!” She smiled wider. Well, she had me there.

“Fine, fine… Let’s just get out of here. I can’t sleep, but I think I’d really enjoy lying face-up in bed and staring at the ceiling for a while after the past few days,” I groaned. Today had been a long day, and the night before had been equally long.

“Ah… That’s right, before I forget… You may wish to stay clear of the Hakurei shrine for a while,” She stated with trepidation. This time it was my turn to blink in confusion. She actually _winced_ a bit at my inquiring look. “Yes, well… I stopped by Reimu’s place on my way here. When Ran said you were there, I thought I might ask if she had any stories to tell me about you embarrassing yourself whilst intoxicated that I could use to embarrass you.” Of course she did. “Imagine my surprise when I came upon a nearly ruined building and a fuming miko! It seems that she is holding you at least partially culpable for it,” Yukari finished.

“What?” I blinked rapidly, “That’s… Well, I don’t remember much so I guess it’s possible, but I don’t even think it’s _possible_ for me to wreck an entire building!” I glanced meaningfully at Suika, but she simply gave a helpless shrug and a shake of her head. No luck there then. Yuigahama just followed along dazedly. Don’t worry, Yuigahama. You get used to it. Eventually. Sort of.

“Yes, Reimu said much the same thing about not remembering what happened… but I’m afraid she has taken your flight to the Outside as an admission of guilt,” She smiled in commiseration. “Friendly advice, Reimu can be a bit… unreasonable, when it comes to these things. I would recommend waiting for her hangover to pass at the _very_ least.” Her eyes clouded over as she lost herself in a traumatic memory.

“…Awfully thoughtful of you,” I said with a narrowed glare, as I made no attempt to mask the suspicion in my tone.

“Rule number one of Gensokyo, Hachi-chan: Siccing the Hakurei Miko on someone for anything less than an Incident is a _major_ faux pas,” Yukari explained seriously, the ‘I’ in ‘Incident’ clearly capitalized in her tone. That sounded like a rule with an interesting story behind it. Yukari flicked her wrist slightly and a gap opened up in front of me. “Now then, come along. Chen has been pestering me all morning as to your whereabouts and I can only give her so many amusing lies before she catches on,” she tittered. I stood up and cracked my back before looking at Yuigahama.

“Well, that’s my ride I guess. Sorry about… Well, just sorry,” I rambled, not quite sure what to apologize for. The only response I received was Yuigahama tackling me for a tight hug, leaving me to try and figure out what to do with my hands.

“Please be careful,” She mumbled into my chest as I settled awkwardly patting her back. She let go a moment later and stepped back with a bright smile. “I’ll be in touch with Ran-chan, so let her know if you need anything from me!” She continued to smile and said nothing more. Her smile softened at my answering grunt, much to Yukari’s and Suika’s apparent amusement. Meanwhile, I eyed Yukari’s portal like it would bite me any moment until Yukari finally lost her patience.

“Oh, what’s the hold up now?” Yukari whined, “Did you forget something? Whatever it is you can just have Ran deal with it later, so hurry up so I can find something to eat. It’s bad enough that Ran is too preoccupied to see to every meal, I don’t need you delaying things even further!” I nervously eyed the gap in front of me, not once breaking line of sight with it.

“…Are you sure I won’t break this one?” I asked. In response, Yukari rolled her eyes in sync with the eyes in her gap, then drew a finger across the air. A second later, I found myself falling momentarily before being sprawled out on a tatami mat floor. I lifted my head off the ground to find myself staring deep into a cat’s eyes.

“Hachiman! You’re back!” A weight slamming into my back drove the breath from my lungs. “Yukari-sama said you joined the circus! Is that true? Can you take me there?! I’ve never been to a circus before!” Chen babbled excitedly. In response, I simply groaned despairingly into the floor. I could never blame Chen for this, so I decided to continue blaming Yukari. “I like your hair! It looks so pretty!” Chen complimented with absolute innocence.

“…Thanks,” I sighed. Just take the compliment, Hachiman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Been a while, huh? I got hit by the seasonal depression stick pretty hard this year. Spring has (mostly) arrived though, so I’m getting back into things. Should be good to update, right? Well, then Animal Crossing released. And then that whole ‘epidemic’ thing started going and making work stressful and… Anyways, the point is that I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I’m worried it’s not as good as previous chapters due to being off the saddle for so long, but hopefully it’s at least good by its own standards. Even now I'm resisting the urge to go back and keep tweaking it more, but such is my eternal struggle. Next up is Yakumo family fun times! As always, thank you guys for reading, especially after all this time. It means the world to me.


	9. Ominous words in an ominous home

_ Day 1 _

Things were surprisingly calm after my abrupt return to Gensokyo. After appearing inside the… Dining room? Living room? Whatever, let’s just call it the kotatsu room. I expected Chen to batter me with questions after such an energetic greeting, but instead she took the chance to tell me all about _her_ day. No matter how mundane a detail was, Chen left absolutely nothing out. Of course, I gave her my undivided attention. She soaked it up like a sponge, which prompted her to talk with even more excitement than she began with. Truly a win for everybody involved.

She inevitably ran out of recent events to discuss, so she moved on to talking about cats in general. Did you know that cats lacked the ability to see under their noses? I did, actually. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her that, not when she stated it with all the gravitas of someone sharing the secrets of the world. I will happily accept this gift for the feelings behind it.

Things continued along that vein, until Yukari returned hours later from her trip Outside. According to her, she had taken Suika out for a ‘date’ before heading back. I would have played along and asked if they used protection, but Yukari’s personality was already the ultimate birth control, so there was no need to ask.

Upon learning Suika had developed a newfound interest in the ocean, Yukari had taken her to an aquarium, followed by sushi afterwards. That order of events seemed a bit macabre to me, which is likely why she did it. The biggest surprise was that, between the two of them, Yukari still managed to have enough food leftover to bring back with her. I’ve seen Suika eat. It’s terrifying.

Too bad all the leftovers were for Chen. I wasn’t too upset, seeing as I was already used to it when my parents only brought leftovers home for Komachi. Yukari seemed disappointed that I wasn’t throwing a tantrum, which really cemented it as the right call. Yukari’s disappointment is a gift worth savoring more than any sushi, no matter how clearly expensive and high class it is.

Surprisingly, it seemed she had a gift for me after all. She explained that she was going to use it to make me feel bad for getting angry at her for not leaving me any sushi, but I had stopped listening the moment I laid eyes on what she brought. It was a large convenience store bag, filled to the brim with cans of Maxx Coffee. In that moment, I doubt I would have noticed a bullet being fired into my chest.

With nothing else needing to be said, I grabbed the bag and was off into a fantasy land all of my own. When Chen realized I was no longer listening to her, or anything else for that matter, she pouted for a short while before deciding to tell Yukari about her day this time. Yukari paid all the attention that a wonderful creature such as Chen deserved, while I searched for something genuine at the bottom of a coffee can.

That lasted until Yukari pulled out the laser pointer.

* * *

Whatever purpose this room may have served before, the only mercy left for it now was to be taken out back and put out of its misery. Say what you will about Chen, but it’s impossible to deny that she gives every task her all. That sadly includes chasing a red dot around the room. What she lacked in spatial awareness, she more than made up for with sheer spirit in her quest for that everdistant utopia.

Here’s another little-known fact about cats: using laser pointers to play with them is a bit mean-spirited. Cats get frustrated if they have nothing to show for their efforts after a long chase, so it’s best not to use something impossible to catch lest you want to deal with an angry cat. For normal cats, this probably means you’d find a present in your slippers later. Chen, however… Chen can fly and use magic. The damages up to that point could be waved away, but I think that’s when things went truly downhill. Even my Maxx Coffee stupor couldn’t hold up to Chen creating red lasers of her own.

At this point, a rational person might have quit while things were still somewhat salvageable. I would never call Yukari ‘rational,’ and even calling her a person feels like a stretch at times. Completely undaunted by Chen raising the stakes, Yukari chose to step up her own game. With fewer obstacles barring Chen’s progress as she destroyed all in her path, Yukari decided to randomly open gaps directly in front of Chen as she moved about the room. Most times Chen would fall through and land somewhere in the room, albeit always landing on her feet. Other times, she would narrowly dodge the gaps and continue the chase. Regardless of her success, the damages quickly became exponentially worse from the introduction of new elements.

While I may not consider Yukari as such, I do think of _myself_ as rational. I knew when to call it quits, and that time was when the spell cards came out. Thus, I crawled under the kotatsu with my bag of coffee and tried not to cry. I succeeded, and don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise. The sounds of raucous laughter and crashing painted a vivid scene for me in my cozy shelter. A far more vivid scene was painted by the loudest crash of all, followed by dead silence.

Finally taking this as my cue to poke my head out, I gazed upon the carnage wrought by Yukari’s hands. I considered just going back under the kotatsu and praying for unconsciousness, but that seemed to no longer be on the table without any hard alcohol. The room was covered with debris that I could no longer guess the original form of, scorch marks littered the walls, and one notable bit of damage now allowed me unhindered vision of 3 separate rooms before finally reaching the outside. Looking up showed… Well, words fail me. Yukari took in the sights as well, but hers was a look of misplaced pride. Her posture screamed ‘Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!’

“I’m home!” Ran’s voice called from down the hall. At once, Yukari’s proud look was swapped for one of resignation. I felt much the same; there was no chance Yukari wouldn’t try to take me down with her. I couldn’t exactly see the look on Chen’s face, but I believe she would have been there with us in spirit. “Hachiman, we really need to talk about… your…” Ran’s voice faded as she entered the room. She was frozen mid-step as she soaked in the view.

“Welcome home, Ran-sama!” Chen’s muffled voice called from above. The only thing visible were her legs, which were currently sticking out of a freshly made hole in the ceiling. Seeing my opportunity to escape a lecture for something that wasn’t even my fault, I quickly moved to extract Chen from the bed she had made and was now sleeping in. This might have gone faster if she weren’t ticklish and I wasn’t purposely tickling her upon discovering this fact, but some situations are truly unavoidable.

To be perfectly honest, I lost touch with what was happening around me while ‘helping’ Chen. I have no doubt that Yukari took that window to lay the blame solely at my feet, but I hardly cared when I had my hands full with a giggling Chen. By the time I remembered the situation I was in and turned to face Ran, the shouting had already stopped.

“Welcome back,” I raised one hand in greeting, the other arm holding up a giggling and squirming Chen by her midsection. Yukari was sitting in a seiza, with a face like she just ate a sour lemon. Ran stared me down, visibly considering what to do with me. After a long moment of consideration on her part, and awkward shuffling on my part, she let out an explosive sigh as the tension dropped from her shoulders.

“Just… Just sit down, Hachiman,” She waved towards the table and moved for the door at the opposite end of the room. When she was close enough to see there was no longer a door there, she let out another long sigh before leaving the room. Were we actually still having dinner in the middle of this disaster zone? I dutifully sat down at the kotatsu after brushing away a pile of plaster and waited patiently for Ran to return. Yukari was pouting like a child, while Chen sat happily in her lap and continued telling her about her day. Yukari wasn’t saying a word, which was the best possible outcome to this situation.

Finally, far sooner than such a large amount of food should have required, Ran returned heavily laden with assorted dishes. Outside of some muttered requests to pass a dish, nobody said a word. Conveniently, Ran never seemed to hear any of Yukari’s requests. I suppose being someone’s mistress doesn’t count for much if they’re the ones that cook your food. In any culture, the one who provides delicious food has all the power.

I quickly and quietly moved through several dishes, trying to soothe a hunger I didn’t quite feel anymore. Conveniently, Ran never seemed to hear my requests to pass the fried tofu. No matter how much I ate, I wasn’t feeling any more or less full than before. That seemed worrying, but what wasn’t these days? Ah well, at least it still tasted good. After I ate my ‘fill’, Ran stood and gestured for me to follow her.

“I will show you to your quarters,” she spoke shortly then moved through the wreckage of a doorframe, barely waiting long enough for me to stand and rush after her. I felt like I was forgetting something… something important… Ah yes. I stopped and waved good night to Chen, who excitedly waved back at me. She quickly scampered through one of the fresh holes in the wall with nary a sound. I worry for that girl.

“Good night, Hachi-chan!” Yukari waved at me, still sitting at the kotatsu. Her smile was bright and earnest. Naturally, I walked out of the room without reacting at all. Truthfully, I held no hard feelings for her, but the last thing I wanted to do was encourage her. The quiet giggling that followed me out sent shivers down my spine, urging me to walk faster. Finally entering the hallway, I found Ran waiting patiently with a commiserating look.

“I apologize for Yukari-sama’s behavior tonight,” Ran spoke with the tone of someone who had long become resigned to their situation. Well, I guess _someone_ has to apologize, and it wasn’t going to be Yukari. “I’m aware you had nothing to do with any of it. Despite what Yukari-sama might say, you’re not the type of person to get involved in these sorts of things without anything to gain from it.”

“Am I being insulted or complimented?” I wondered aloud, matching her pace as she moved languidly through the halls. The slow pace was a welcome relief, as it gave me time to memorize the route and let some of the tension out of my frame. I might not need the sleep, but I was feeling exhausted all the same. I wanted nothing more than to shut my brain off for a little while, but it seemed like every time I started to relax was when I got myself into even more trouble… or maybe that was just when Suika was around. No, no, I was at least partially responsible for those things.

“Take it as you will,” Ran stated it so bluntly that I nearly took the response at face value, but the playful smile showed the teasing for what it was. “I would recommend staying clear of Yukari-sama whilst you are settling in. You have more than enough on your plate without being roped into my mistress’ particular brand of chaos.”

“How exactly am I supposed to stay away from someone that just comes and goes as they please by poking holes in the fabric of reality?” I asked seriously, desperately hoping she had an answer for me.

“You don’t,” Ran replied just as seriously, dashing my hopes before they could fully form. “Whatever measures you take to keep her out, know that those better than you have already tried and failed. However, the last thing you want is to encourage her by seeking her out on your own initiative.” Wow, harsh. Ran really doesn’t pull her punches when it comes to Yukari, does she? “That goes for any of the more mischievous youkai, by the way. To help with this, your early lessons will be purely informational, with a particular emphasis on staying out of trouble with Gensokyo’s residents,” Ah, I see. This is the part where I’m forced to watch the company safety videos.

“Speaking of, when do you want to start with those? I know I said I wanted to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for a few hours, but I can suck it up if it means getting a head start on things.” Let it be known that I’m not the kind of person to wait until the last minute to start their summer homework. No, I’m the kind of person that gets it out of the way ASAP so they can slack off without it hanging over their heads. Ran gave me an approving smile, thankfully unaware of my true thoughts.

“I’m afraid that will not be possible, as I have many duties that require my attention. I assure you we will have sufficient time for your studies, but they will need to wait for the proper time.” She looked apologetic for it, but I accepted the words with little trouble. It’s not like I expected her to spend every waking moment teaching me, I just wanted to know what the plans were. I quietly shrugged to show this, knowing full well that it was a rude way to end a conversation. Ran wasn’t offended and simply laughed as she gently pat my head. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that being done to me.

We arrived at the entrance to the room I had used before. Opening the door revealed it to be exactly the same as I left it. I’m not entirely sure why I was expecting something to be different, but I’ll chalk that up to expecting the worst after an exceptionally long day. I turned back to wish Ran good night, only to find that she had left without a word once again. How is it that the most well-adjusted person in this house was also the most awkward? Save some character traits for the rest of us side characters, Ran!

I closed the door, let out a long sigh, then immediately and unceremoniously flopped down onto the bed. For a long time, I just lie there and enjoyed the peace and general lack of anything pressing to take care of. My problems hadn’t gone anywhere and there would no doubt be consequences from the day’s events, but at that moment I was entirely at peac- I shot up from the bed and stared at the door in horror as I came to a sobering realization.

“I left my coffee under the kotatsu!”

_ Day 2 _

“Now then, what you need to do next is carefully balance both sides. One mistake will cost you the entire formula,” Ran pointed out the problematic spots on the mystical-looking runes. How she was able to glean any meaning from these things was anybody’s guess. “Come now, didn’t we already go over this, Hachiman? Simply take the equation on the left and use the relevant portions to negate as much as you can on the right, thus freeing up your mind to complete what is left.”

“Look, I’m sorry, alright? I’m still getting used to this magic stuff, so your explanations keep going over my head,” I slouched into the uncomfortable wooden chair. Who even makes these damn things and why do people keep buying them? Ran stared at me with a mystified look on her face.

“Hachiman, this is your math homework,” Ran spoke slowly, her tone slightly horrified. I narrowed my eyes at the paper. I wasn’t convinced. She quietly groaned, not for the first time that night. “Honestly, what am I to do with you? Your marks in your humanities and social sciences are excellent, so how is it your science and math grades are so deplorable?” Her words came out muffled as she held her face in her hands.

“Oh, if one side is positive and the other is negative, then don’t they cancel each other out? It’s just like you told me!” I smiled at Ran. She stared me down through the cracks between her fingers as the smile slipped from my face. “…Sorry. That was my bad,” I sincerely apologized as I returned to the worksheet. Hiratsuka had given me a bit of a phobia for angry teachers. For several minutes, the only sounds were the scratches of a pencil on paper and Ran’s occasional hums as she glanced over my shoulder.

Ran had showed up at my door several hours later, with her arms laden with study materials. With minimal pleasantries, she had proceeded to run me through an absolute gauntlet of material that left my head spinning from it all. Not content with teaching me magic, she had taken it upon herself to boost my math scores as well. If she could pull that off, that would be the greatest magic trick of all. Still, I did my best to show as much effort in my studies as she was showing to me. This continued for some time, and just as I was starting to lose myself in the tedium and become a machine, Ran interrupted with a clap of her hands.

“That will do for now. I have several tasks to complete before sunrise, so I’m afraid that’s all we have time for. Do you have plans elsewhere, or will you be staying for dinner?” Ran asked while gathering up several of the papers I had completed that afternoon. She may be living my life for me, but she wouldn’t budge when it came to doing the coursework myself. She left behind the unfinished work and my notes on magical theory, but scooped everything else up into a neat stack.

“Not unless Suika comes to abduct me.” I was surprised she hadn’t yet, to be honest. “Actually now that you mention it, Yukari said you guys have a TV here? Wouldn’t mind relaxing for a bit if I can actually find it.” Left unsaid was that I almost certainly wouldn’t be able to find it. Ran had made it clear that my experience several days ago would very much be the norm during my stay here. I _knew_ there was a method for getting around this stupid house, but nobody would tell me what it was. My only comfort was that Suika was just as bad at it as I was, even if she did cheat.

“I see, then I suppose I should stock up on groceries… Ah yes, the television. I do not use it often myself, but I believe Yukari-sama keeps it in the study on the west side, next to the guest bedrooms. Will you be able to find it on your own?” Ran shifted the paper to one arm so she could tap her chin in thought with the other. Someone as cool and reliable as Ran really should not have all these cute habits to go along with it. Share the positive traits with everyone else!

“…Just point me in the right direction and I should be able to take it from there.” I grumbled, already making plans to get horrifically lost. Ran smiled knowingly at me, while she finished gathering up all of her necessary belongings.

“Give it time. I promise you will gain a sense for it with enough practice. I thought I would _never_ get the hang of it, but I don’t even think about it these days. After all, we can’t all be naturals like Chen…” Her smile turned strained upon noticing my questioning look. “Chen has only been with us for a few years now. When I first took her in, she sprinted ahead of me with no warning. I watched her turn down a hallway, and she was gone. I couldn’t find her _anywhere_ for 3 days… until I started hearing sounds from inside the walls. Yukari-sama was no help of course, so I had to get her out on my own. To this day, she won’t talk about what happened, but she’s been able to navigate the halls like a seasoned pro ever since.” She finished her story and said nothing as I stared at her in muted horror.

“…And you people _live_ here? Like, on _purpose_?” I asked in awe. I shook myself out of that frankly horrifying train of thought. “Well, if it happens, it happens. I’m not going to worry about it when I might not even be here long enough for it to matter,” I waved off the problem like I waved off all my other problems recently. Best of luck with that one, future Hachiman! My lack of foresight will be your downfall!

“That’s a wonderful attitude to have!” Ran praised with a beaming smile as she made for the still-open door. “I swear I will do my utmost to meet your expectations as your sensei, Hachiman! I won’t let you down!” Ran promised with a fire lit in her eyes. Parting remark delivered, the door shut, and her footsteps echoed down the hall before fading away entirely.

“…I should have offered to follow along and help her with her chores,” I sighed aloud as I fell back into the bed. For a while, I considered just lying there and letting time pass until Ran came back to teach me more. It would be boring, but I could absolutely do it. With my abilities, I was experiencing a profound disconnect between myself and the material desires of mankind, such as food, sleep, and- “Damn it, I still need to get my coffee…” I groaned, holding my face in my hands.

Well, nothing for it. Desperate times and all that. I hopped out of bed and made way for the exit. Time to risk my life and mental wellbeing… again. This was becoming an unfortunate pattern since I came to Gensokyo, but at least it was for a good cause this time. I poked my head out of the door into the hall, not quite sure what to expect, but prepared for it all the same. After a few seconds of nothing happening in the ordinary hallway, I decided it was more or less safe. That was my biggest mistake, and I knew it even then.

“Let’s see… My room was on the left when we came in, so that means we came from… this way,” I recited what I knew out loud. “There was one turn and no forks in the hallway. It _should_ be a straight shot to the dining room.” The words were as much a plan of action as they were a firm reminder that I had lost control of my life and nothing was certain anymore. With that in mind, I ventured forth into the great unknown.

My first sign that something was wrong was the realization that my turn had come up after a short period of walking, but it now split into 3 directions. Looking down the hallways was completely unhelpful, seeing as the lighting was too dim to see more than a few feet down each one. The lack of windows meant I didn’t even have the moonlight to see by. I stroked my chin for a second, nodded once, twice, then abruptly turned around to return to my room… only to walk directly into a wall. I blinked rapidly at the sudden interruption and scowled deeply.

“Damn it, past Hachiman!” I yelled. I’m so sick of that guy screwing me over! “What the fuck is wrong with this place?!” I reared my foot back to kick the wall in frustration. The only thing that held me back from following through was the fear that the house was alive and would take exception to that. Suika could get away with it because she was 100 tons of ass-kicking in a tiny girlish body, but that didn’t mean shit for me.

Upon calming down and reassessing the situation, there were two obvious choices open to me: Stay here, or move on. Traditional wisdom told me that staying still when lost made it easier for others to find you, but there was nothing traditional about this place. Besides, that wisdom was for forests, and I didn’t need it for the actual deadly forest I already walked through. I couldn’t really see any differences between being lost here or being lost down another hallway, so I begrudgingly made my choice.

“Eeny meeny miney moe…” I chose to leave my wellbeing to luck and randomly cycled through the hallways before choosing the middle one. As I approached the fork, I stopped. “Wait a minute… I have terrible luck.” What was I thinking leaving this to luck? I turned at the last second and went down the hallway on the left. If this house really was alive and messing with me, then hopefully I was keeping it on its’ toes. I wasn’t getting my hopes up though.

“Alright house, listen up. I don’t like you, and you don’t like me, so let’s set the record straight. You feel like messing with me? Fine, so does everyone else. I don’t like it, but I can live with it. _However,_” I stopped and glared at the nearest wall, fully aware of how insane I was probably acting. “The _second_ I start thinking my life is in danger, I’m going to start recklessly experimenting with magic. It will almost certainly kill me, but I’ll do my best to take you down with me. Do we understand each other?” I asked into the air.

I listened for anything, any sign that something with a consciousness was listening, but all I could hear was the sound of my own steady breathing. I scowled deeper and trudged on once more, keeping a paranoid eye on the endless and monotonous hallways. Think of the coffee, Hachiman… You’re doing this for the coffee.

_ Day 3 (?) _

The concept of ‘eternity’ is an interesting thought. Separating it into its base components, you’re left with ‘infinity’ and ‘time’, which are just as vague in their own ways. After all, how does one begin to describe infinity? If you think about it, it belongs more in the realm of fantasy than science… or maybe that’s bullshit, and I’m getting ahead of myself with my terrible math. I think I’m in the right here, though. The point is, how does one define infinity? If you tell me to define 2, I’d hold up 2 fingers and that would be that. If you tell me to define infinity, how would I do so? On that matter, how would other people answer the same question? Does it even have a concrete answer, or does it vary from person to person? Why can we do that for infinity, but not for 2? What makes them different? Does something being undefinable make it fantasy, or is it something else?

Time is an equally confusing concept when you really get down to it. After all, what’s the difference between past, present, and future? Common sense tells you it’s the difference between has happened, is happening, and yet to happen, but is that truly the case? After all, let’s say you think to yourself ‘I am currently in the present.’ By the time you finish that thought, it’s in the past.

Perhaps that’s the key to understanding the concept of ‘eternity’. Eternity can be defined as a single concept stretching to infinity in all three directions of time, leaving the observer to define for ‘infinity’ as whatever unquantifiable number they choose. For example, if one were to wander through identical hallways, not knowing when they began nor when it will end, wouldn’t that be defined as an eternity of wandering?

Therefore, with that definition established by my admittedly stupid navel gazing, I think it was more than fair to say that I was experiencing an eternal boredom. I mean, honestly, was it too much to ask for some windows once in a while? Or some art on the walls? I would have settled for one of those paintings where the eyes follow your movement. I know Yukari has them, she’s too much of a walking cliché not to have them. She just needs to cut the eyes off the painting, open a gap behind the holes, and have the eyes look out.

Why was I having stupid conversations with myself when I should be focused on escaping? Because the tension of the situation drained out several hours ago and left me with nothing but crushing boredom. Oh sure, I had been terrified at the beginning of my impromptu adventure, but you can only keep your guard up for so long. At least I was still able to see where I was going, despite an utter lack of light sources. I questioned that at first, but just chalked it up to ‘magic house’ and left it alone. Eventually, I chose to drop my guard entirely and was rewarded by not being immediately eviscerated for it. Sadly, that meant that the only things left for me were tedium and an overwhelming sense of anticlimax.

With that in mind, you can understand my relief and lack of caution upon discovering a pair of doors to break the monotony. If it had been a window, I would have leapt out of it without even checking what floor I was on. I nearly walked right past it due to not expecting to actually find anything, but luckily these eyes of mine were still good for something. Without hesitation, I ran up to the doors and hastily threw them open, far beyond the point of caring about safety in an unfamiliar environment.

It was a library, although one that was vastly different from the library in Chiba. Rather than a library, it was more accurate to call it a book storage. The room was musty, dimly lit, and packed with rows upon rows of bookshelves that rose to touch the low ceiling. No matter which way I turned my head or which row of books I looked down, I couldn’t quite tell where the borders of the room lie. Was this my fate? Had I moved on from being lost in a hallway to being lost in a library? More importantly, did I actually care? I’m lost either way; who cares where I do it at?

“Works for me,” I shrugged, deciding to hunt down some shady magic tomes or something. It’s not like I planned for this, but a lot of my time wandering the hallways was spent ruminating on my situation with magic. Ran was busy with far more than just teaching me, I was lost as hell and probably impossible to find, so this could be a great opportunity to get ahead of our lessons in my downtime. “If I were a pile of magic books, where would I be…” I wondered aloud.

“Oh, one of the shelves has a false back. I wanted to put it somewhere nobody would find it, so I covered it up with the later volumes of Shokugeki no Soma,” Yukari’s voice came somewhere very close by. I’m sure she was trying to surprise me, but the only surprise here was that it took her this long to show up. Ran sure was telling the truth about being unable to escape her. Still, I can’t believe she missed the chance to spook me by filling the hallways with barely audible whispering. I swept the room to locate her and… ah, there she is. Just visible in a gap between books, one that was far too small to allow anyone through, Yukari could be seen with a teasing smirk.

“What if it’s someone that just reads for the fanservice? Seems like you’re still running a big risk of a pervert finding it.” I said, though I was more focused with perusing the shelves. If my search meant pushing books into Yukari’s face, well then that’s simply an unfortunate accident. Let’s see… outdated psychology textbooks, an unmarked journal, a magazine with tips for raising a child, a How-To manual on programming, a recipe book for tofu dishes… “What’s up with this haphazard organization?” I asked Yukari, only to find she had vanished from the crack between books. That means that she’ll be…

“Of course I planned for such an eventuality. That’s why I surrounded the volumes with my finest hentai. Even a fiend such as yourself would be unable to resist the crown jewels of my collection!” She spoke proudly from just behind my back. Yep, exactly where I expected her to be. She leaned over my shoulder to examine the books I was referencing, taking the chance to rest all her weight on my back. A distinctly unladylike snort came from her as she got a good look at the titles. “Hmm… Well, I don’t find myself in this section of the house all that often these days. Who knows what I was thinking when I organized this shelf, hm?”

“So you say, but I can clearly see you trying not to laugh at some stupid inside joke right now.” I pointed out. If you’re going to lie to my face, can you at least pretend that you’re trying to hide it? That just makes me angrier!

“Is that so? Well, I suppose I will defer to your no doubt extensive wisdom of people laughing at your expense.” She stated completely seriously.

“Make sure that you do. I won’t be so forgiving next time.” I scolded her with a severe frown. Yukari looked appropriately contrite at my ‘reprimand.’ What kind of stupid conversation did I just let myself get roped into? Also, why are you still hanging off my shoulders? Give me some space, woman!

“Jokes aside, I came to investigate when someone tripped the wards at the entrance to the library. I figured it was you when I didn’t discover a charred corpse at the entrance.” I immediately stopped my search upon hearing her words. I’m sorry, what was that? It sounds like you just said you trapped your house and didn’t tell me about it. Why am I surprised?

“Well hey, thanks for the ‘timely’ tip and the horrifying infodump. I’m going to go look at your magic books now, unravel the secrets of the universe and all that, try not to think about how close I keep coming to dying… You know, teenage boy stuff.” I ended the conversation and tried to take a step forward, but found my path barred forward by a smiling Yukari. Great, what now? Annoyingly, I could still feel her weight around my shoulders despite her being in front of me.

“Sorry, Hachi-chan, but that’s no good. I think you’re underestimating me just a bit right now.” She wagged a finger in my face like you would an unruly dog. “You’ll find that my idea of ‘forbidden knowledge’ is a bit more potent than your run-of-the-mill practitioner’s. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve got _quite_ the collection amassed.” She stated smugly. That sounded _exactly_ like bragging, actually. Besides, you already bragged about a different ‘collection’ earlier, and I was way more interested in that one.

“Great…” I groaned, “That’ll teach me to show some initiative. Any chance you’ve got something simple enough for this uncultured barbarian to read then? Maybe some cave drawings you were around for when they were made?” Oh look, that one got an eye twitch. Note to self, Yukari is sensitive to age jokes. Save those for when they’ll get the best effect without her killing you.

“I’m afraid that task is beyond even myself. Perhaps Chen would be willing to lend you some of her coloring books?” Yukari offered happily, graciously ignoring the snipe at her age. The worst part was that I knew it was a genuine offer from her. “Speaking plainly, I would advise against it even if there were such tomes suitable for beginners here. I give you my word that Ran is an _excellent_ teacher in nearly every subject, if that’s what you’re worried about.” She stopped smiling and hummed thoughtfully. “No idea where she gets it from, really. She learned from me, and teaching isn’t something I’ve ever excelled at.”

“Probably the ‘lack of empathy’ thing,” I dryly stated. For a moment I allowed myself to imagine Yukari as a teacher and _wow_, how _did_ Ran turn out as well as she did? “Look, it’s not that I’ve got a problem with Ran. If anything, she’s wasted on me. She’s got a lot of other stuff on her plate though, so I just figured I’d pick up the slack on my own time. It’s not like I have anything better to do while waiting for her, right?” I shrugged, thinking that would be the end of it. Yukari’s good cheer faded completely as she leveled me with a serious look.

“Hachiman…” Oh boy, no nickname. Time for me to pay attention. “If this were anything but magic, I would be inclined to agree. I might even commend you for your initiative.” Bullshit, you’d just call me a nerd or something. “Unfortunately, it _is_ magic, which carries risks you are not aware of; risks that affect more than just yourself should they come to fruition. I hope you will not be so selfish as to drag others down to your exceedingly low level as you inevitably crash and burn.” She stated it with such bluntness that I felt like wincing, though I resisted the urge. If you looked close enough, there was a hint of concern behind her cold mask of indifference.

“Huh… interesting angle you’re going with here,” I stated with honest admiration. “Instead of trying to convince me to do what’s best for myself, you’re arguing for the safety of the people I care about. I’m guessing your next point has something to do with my sister?” I fired back at her just as bluntly as she had. The indifference and hint of concern quickly melted away into amusement, revealing both emotions as the shared mask they truly were.

“Must you insist on not playing along? You’ll never be popular with women if you don’t lighten up,” Yukari laughed happily at her own joke. The real joke here was the idea of me being popular with women. “There’s no rush! Take a moment to enjoy-”

“But then again, you were expecting me to see through that,” I cut her off before she could fully change the subject. Yukari remained smiling, but I had her undivided attention. I had never lost it. “I assume the purpose was to get me nice and angry by bringing up the subject of my sister being seriously hurt and then laughing it off as a joke. So the question is, why bother? What could you possibly stand to gain from getting me pissed off with you at this point?” I finished laying out my points and waited for her rebuttal. I had hoped we were past this stage already, but it seems that was too naïve. This is simply the kind of person that Yakumo Yukari is.

“Well now,” Yukari said after a brief heavy silence, “it would seem that you’re playing along after all! Hmmm… I suppose the answer to your question would be, ‘Why not?’” She laughed loudly, just a bit too sharply for me to feel comfortable with. Her grip around my shoulders tightened just enough to make me conscious of her presence there. “You’re a clever human, Hachi-chan. However, you’re still a _human._ You may try to apply your logic towards understanding me until you’re blue in the face, but the only thing you will achieve is a waste of both of our time.” With her part said, she loosened her grip and returned to quietly smiling at me with that expectant look in her eye. Well, I’d hate to disappoint…

“I see, so your argument is that you’re manipulating me for the sake of manipulation, simply because it’s in your nature.” My face was rigid and unmoving as I channeled everything Yukinoshita had ever taught me about tearing through other people’s bullshit. It was refreshing to be on the other side for a change. “I don’t think I believe that, though. You strike me more as the type to use it as a means to an end.” That didn’t feel quite right as I said it, but I strongly felt it was true in this singular case. Yukari was working an angle here, but I needed more information to work it out. Her smile sharpened, giving me hope that she would give me the ammunition I needed.

“And this is why I say you will never understand, _Hachi-chan_,” She drawled out the nickname, giving it a mocking edge. “After all, would you expect cattle to understand the reason it’s butchered by the same people that have loved and cared for it since birth? Even if you befriend a youkai, it’s only in the same way a farmer cares for his livestock. You want to know why I manipulate you? Simple… It’s because I can.” Yukari smiled wickedly, nearly to the point of leering inappropriately at me. I was unmoved because she was aiming for a reaction, and the last thing I wanted was to give her what she wanted.

“Oh, now I get it. Looks like I was wrong after all. You’re not trying to make me hate you specifically, you’re trying to get me to hate youkai.” I laid it out in the open, feeling emboldened by the corners of her lips twitching. “I bet that really pisses people off when you insinuate that their only purpose in life is to be food. Did you rip that off from an RPG antagonist, or did you make it up yourself?”

“…” Yukari was no longer smiling, or showing any emotion at all. She gave me her undivided attention but said nothing at all as the silence stretched on. That was fine, I no longer needed more information from her to reach a conclusion. I wasn’t sure if it was the correct conclusion, but I would reach it all the same. I had to be careful here, though. I could feel chuuni instincts struggling to break free from my repressed heart.

“So after trying to get me angry at such blatant manipulation, you framed it as ‘all youkai are manipulators’ to make me angry at them by association. So then the question is once again, ‘why?’ If you put that much thought into it, then there must have been something to gain from turning into an ‘us vs. them’ scenario.” I pondered, still feeling like I was missing something important here.

“Don’t you know, Hachi-chan? Fear is the lifeblood of all youkai.” Yukari had ditched the masks entirely and wiped her voice and face of all emotion. “Human and youkai relationships are adversarial by nature. Youkai require the fear of humanity to sustain their existence; this is an immutable fact. I am simply trying to open your eyes to the truth. Feel free to thank me.” The light words were belied by the ice in her tone.

“Bullshit. If all you wanted was fear, then there are 1,000 better ways to go about it that I _know_ you’re smart enough to see. You were after something specific here, something that you decided was worth the hassle of turning me against youkai. Was it because you wanted me to avoid youkai? No, you wouldn’t have done as much as you have for me if that was the case.” I hummed thoughtfully as I turned that thought over in my head. No matter how I looked at it, there was still something missing here, some piece of information to make all of this clear. I needed more from her. I opened my mouth to goad Yukari some more, only to find an obstruction.

“That’s enough of that.” Yukari cut me off with a finger to my lips, the blank look replaced with fond exasperation. It was the first genuine look she had shown me all night. “As much fun as I’m having getting to know each other, and it _truly_ is great fun, nothing will come from going further than this. I must admit, you held your own better than I expected. Here I thought that was a skill you’d need to sharpen with me first, but perhaps that was my arrogance at play.” She pat my shoulder approvingly and finally let me go, to get more comfortable leaning out of her gap.

“Once you know what your own buttons are, it’s pretty easy to tell when someone is deliberately pushing them.” I shrugged, trying not to let the disappointment show. Yukari had called it a draw, but it felt like a loss.

“Quite.” Yukari smiled wryly. “Sadly, it seems we have reached an impasse. I can no longer continue without making things actively worse, and you lack the proper perspective to see this through to the end. Truly a shame, but I suppose it cannot be helped at the moment. I look forward to continuing where we left off _very _soon.” She gave me a saucy wink at that remark. For the first time in this conversation, I let my flinch show.

“Right, moving on _forever_,” I stressed that as much as I could, “Was the stuff about the books bullshit too? Because it would be really nice if that was the case.” I said that expecting an apologetic look or a vague remark on the nature of light and darkness or something. I was not expecting Yukari to stand up straight and adopt a lecturing pose, silly as it looked when half of her body was in front of me and the other half still leaning on my shoulders. Confused by the mechanics of such a position? So am I.

“The goals of your lessons are control and comprehension. Anything outside of these two things have been deemed a non-priority at best, or harmful at worst. As such, the best method for you at this stage is constant reinforcement of carefully selected fundamentals and practical experience, while anything beyond what’s required is to be put off until you have Ran’s stamp of approval.” Despite the playful mannerisms, this was also a serious woman that demanded respect. “To put it even more bluntly, Ran is handling you with the kid gloves firmly on. The consequences of your overreaching would be severe, so Ran is not even allowing you the ability to do so.”

“…And because I don’t know what is or isn’t required, or what counts as ‘harmful knowledge’, information has to be controlled and spoon-fed to me,” I finished with a heavy sigh and slumped shoulders. Farewell, my dreams of becoming overpowered by reading ancient books of power. I will remember you fondly.

“Just be patient, Hachi-chan. I understand not trusting my motivations, you can trust Ran’s. She’s always been a good girl, and she will do everything in her power to do right by you.” Yukari said this in a tone I had never heard from her before: fondness for somebody else. I very much doubted this fondness would prevent her from making more problems for Ran to fix. Take responsibility, damn it! Oh wait, I was also making more work for Ran… Ah well, I can live with being a hypocrite.

“…Alright,” I finally said after a long pause. “Alright, I can do that. I’ll leave the ‘high risk, high reward’ plays to the protagonists with plot armor.” I smirked slightly, and Yukari lit up at my acceptance of the situation.

“Thank you. Truly.” Yukari smiled happily… and then her smile turned mischievous. “You had best take your lessons seriously, young man. There’s no chance I will marry off my sweet Ran to some 3rd rate prospect!” She giggled madly before slipping into her gap, leaving me to sputter in the lonely library. I refuse to marry into this crazy family! I’d rather die! Also, get back here and get me out of this madhouse!

Eventually I managed to settle down from the tense talk and returned to perusing the shelves. Self-study was out, but I could at least kill time until Ran came to fetch me. Oooh, is that JoJo I spy over there? Don’t mind if I do…

_ Day 4 _

I’ve read studies that stated a person with no way to keep track of the passage of time while in isolation will eventually see a degradation to their mental state. I wasn’t really feeling anything like that, but I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t working with a clean slate. Even before my double-edged magic got involved, there was plenty of isolation to go around. That said, being surrounded by manga and trashy light novels was a good way to kill time. The only downside was how thoroughly the isekai genre was ruined for me. How was I supposed to enjoy my garbage without the biggest trash pile of all?

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and this was no exception. I could only handle so much reading in one sitting, even when the only alternative was exploring the SCP house. I stood with a loud groan and stretched, creating several noisy pops in my lower spine. The floor and a nearby bookshelf made for a terrible seat, but I didn’t want to risk searching further into the library for a chair only to lose sight of the exit.

I gazed mournfully at the stacks of manga I hadn’t finished, but I didn’t feel up to carrying them around with me while I explored. Some other time, my darlings… I left the library the same way I came in, only just barely stopping myself from waving goodbye to the first bits of entertainment I’d had since coming to Gensokyo. Well, that’s not true; Suika probably counts as entertainment.

As I closed the door, I rolled some thoughts around in my head on which direction to go in. Did it really matter when the hallways changed anyways? As far as I was concerned, this house was going to jerk me around until I died of old age. I chose to walk left, not really caring about where it led, resigned to yet another eternity of-

“Holy shit, that’s a window,” I blurted in surprise. I never thought I’d be excited to go outside, but here we are. I nearly sprinted to the moonlit window at the end of the hallway, excited to finally be out of this demented dominion. I momentarily forgot what I was doing upon getting a look outside, totally in awe at the clear starry sky with the full moon illuminating the area. It sounds silly to say, but I hadn’t known the moon was capable of being that bright.

I shook my head to dispel the thoughts, focusing on my objective. A preliminary investigation showed the window to be a thin pane of glass, but there didn’t seem to be a way to actually open it. Figures this crazy place wouldn’t even have normal windows. Was this really how I was to be defeated? To be shown only a single glimpse of the outside world, held tantalizingly out of reach as I was doomed to forever roam the hallways in search of an escape that did not exist?

The window shattered with a satisfying crash as my foot went through it, spraying glass into the grass below. God _damn_ that felt good. No wonder Suika wrecks this place every chance she gets. I didn’t feel like cutting myself open when I climbed out, so I thoroughly kicked out all that remained of the window until there was only a clean opening. I lifted myself up and over through the opening and stuck a perfect 10-point landing on the ground with my arms raised in the air.

“We really must stop meeting like this, Hachiman.” My face erupted with shame at Ran’s unimpressed voice, just off to my right and out of view of the window. I was never going to live this down, was I? Looks like the house got the last laugh after all. I stretched my arms up and yawned quietly, pretending that had been my goal all along. After I was done with that, I slouched slightly and casually greeted Ran.

“Yo,” I said with a single hand raised up, still feeling like my face was on fire. Ran smiled and nodded back, saying nothing at all about the window and my embarrassing moment. What an angel. “…Actually, what are you even doing out here?” I asked, glancing curiously at the empty yard around us which she was simply standing around in.

“Ah, I was doing a bit of stargazing. Nights like this are perfect for it.” As if to punctuate the remark, Ran looked away and gazed up at the night sky. “Don’t worry about the window, or any other damage you may have created while acquiring the lay of the land. As long as you stay safe, I will be happy to repair anything that needs it,” She stated kindly, never looking away from the sky.

“Actually, the window is the only thing I’ve broken so far,” I pointed out, taking the chance to look at the stars myself. I decided to gracelessly plop down on the grass to get comfortable, figuring that this was a far better use of my time than roaming hallways. Going the extra mile, I leaned backwards until my back was flush with the grass, then folded my hands behind my head and stared straight up.

“Truly? Well, I suppose that’s good news. I’m _still_ finding scratches in the walls from when Chen got lost,” Ran mumbled while sitting next to me on the grass, although far more gracefully than I had. “I would like if you kept at it for the time being. The risks are minimal, and there is an invaluable lesson to be learnt here.”

“I hope the lesson isn’t perseverance in the face of insurmountable odds.” Not only would that be an annoying and time-consuming lesson to learn, but it was corny enough that it would physically wound me.

“Oh, goodness no,” Ran laughed. “To speak bluntly, hitting your head against a wall until it crumbles is only feasible as an oni.” You can just say ‘Suika’, it’s OK. I understand. Ran continued on before I could say this out loud. “I will say no more on the matter. I wish to see the solutions you come up with on your own. I believe it will be enlightening for the both of us.” I hummed, but elected to say no more on the matter. Instead, I savored the comfortable silence while we both admired the heavens.

As I searched the lights in the sky, I wondered if Gensokyo shared the constellations with the Outside. It was embarrassing to think, but was I seeing the same night sky as everyone from Chiba? Well, even if we were, it wasn’t as if you could see the stars this clearly in Chiba. In fact, this was the first time I could remember ever seeing the night sky so clearly, despite leaving Chiba on multiple occasions in the past. I had a fairly good view of the stars in those places, but there was always something going on at the time. I had been too wrapped up in my own problems to really take note of anything like this. As I looked up into the stars now and really soaked it all in, I think I really regretted that.

“How have you been, Hachiman?” Ran’s gentle voice broke the silence, but the sense of peace remained. “I hadn’t expected you to disappear like that, but I suppose I really should have. I wanted to bring you meals, but Yukari-sama seemed to think hunger would be a good motivator for you to find your own way.”

“…Yeah, that sounds like something she’d say,” I nodded knowingly. Meanwhile, my stomach came alive at the mention of food and growled loudly, demanding that its presence be acknowledged. Fair enough, seeing as I hadn’t eaten in… Huh, several days now. Fancy that. A slight rustle of grass by my side drew my attention, as Ran set down a dish containing several wrapped rice balls near me.

“I won’t tell her if you won’t,” Ran winked, then returned to stargazing. “Let me know if you’re still hungry. I have plenty more.” I stared at her for a moment, then proceeded to dig in with gusto. They were simple rice balls without any filling, but they still managed to be as utterly delicious as everything else Ran cooked. Before I knew it, I had completely finished one in no time flat.

“So, how was school?” I asked while unwrapping another one. Geez, this is why I don’t bother with small talk. I sounded like an uninterested parent that feels obligated to talk to their distant child to soothe their own sense of guilt. Source: me. Still, it would be nice to know how she was doing. Some slipups were to be expected, and I’d like to know about them ahead of time, but it’s not like she could make my reputation any worse than I had.

“I’m surprised your first question wasn’t about your sister,” She teased, although the surprise seemed genuine.

“Please, like I need to worry about Komachi. She’s the one that worries about me.” I boasted, extra proud of my wonderful sister. Ran stared pityingly at me, but it was telling that she didn’t refute the comment. “Any problems with classes? It’s not really a big deal if there are, but I’d like to know about it beforehand.

“Ah, yes, about that…” Ran flushed and turned away slightly to conceal her face. “A teacher caught up to me in the halls and asked me to deliver some paperwork to Kawasaki-san in homeroom, but I did not know who he was referring to. Hiratsuka-sensei seemed upset when I asked her who they were…” Oh, is that all? That’s nothing. Still, Ran looked contrite over such a harmless mistake, so I did my level best to cheer her up.

“Ah, nothing too bad then. Don’t sweat it. I barely know any of my classmate’s names, so you were perfectly in-character.” I said with a thumbs up. Ran was thoroughly unimpressed at my easy confidence. See? This is why I leave the shounen protagonist lines to the riajuu.

“Yes, I assumed as such,” Ran said more blandly than I had thought her capable of. “I can’t even be upset with you, since it seems your classmates don’t know your name either, although it is worrying…” You say that, but your voice is clearly reprimanding there. Go easy on me, Ran-sensei. I’m at a delicate stage in my life, don’t you know?

“Right? I’d probably get bullied _way_ more if people actually knew who I was,” I fired back. Have you ever had someone talk shit about you behind your back while you were sitting 3 feet away from them without them knowing? Nothing takes the sting out of an insult like someone cursing about ‘That asshole Hikitani!’ right next to you, let me tell you.

“Of course you don’t even care…” Ran sighed with her face in her palm. “Well, at least they aren’t afraid of you. You have more than enough of that here already.” I almost didn’t hear what she said as she mumbled into her hand, but I just barely caught it.

“What? Why would people be-” I stopped speaking as I realized what she was referring to. “Fucking villagers…” I grimaced. I cursed them some more in my own head, but I kept it at that. I still resented them for almost condemning me to my death, but I had to admit that things worked out pretty well. Halfway through willing them to explode for the third time in a row, I noticed Ran staring thoughtfully at me. “What is it?” I asked curiously.

“Hm…” Ran hummed quietly and lightly shook her head. “It’s nothing. If it’s only to that extent, then we can safely ignore it until you have had more time to prepare.” She dropped that ominous line and then returned to stargazing. Being a trope-savvy know-it-all teenager, I nearly pressed her for information. However, Yukari’s words from the other day rang in my thoughts, preventing me from opening my mouth. Rather than what I was going to say, I said something else entirely.

“’So long as a problem doesn’t cause problems, it can’t be called a problem’ huh? You’re really making me eat my words here.” I complained, though my words were betrayed by a slight smirk. Ran glared at me, but she was equally betrayed by a slight blush. I dropped the teasing smile for an awkward grimace. “…Alright. That worries the crap out of me actually, but I trust you know what you’re doing… So I won’t ask,” I said, nearly grinding the words out.

I was surprised by how difficult it was to say, despite honestly believing in the words. I _did_ trust Ran, but these past few days had repeatedly reinforced that my life was on the line here. Trusting someone_ with your life_ is a pretty damn heavy show of faith, and I barely knew Ran. I wanted to demand answers and take the situation into my own hands, but at the end of the day… Maybe it was for the best that it was in someone else’s hands. My track record for anything involving my own wellbeing left a lot to be desired. Whatever else Ran may or may not be, I didn’t think she meant me any harm.

“Thank you, Hachiman.” Ran’s face practically sparkled from the truly happy expression on her face. It seemed my struggle had shown on my face after all. I looked away and grumbled something back, but I could tell from my burning ears and the quiet laughter that Ran had seen my blush as well.

“Don’t mention it,” I forced out. Seriously, don’t mention it. Ever. Yukari doesn’t need any more fuel to tease me with. Hell, I didn’t even want Suika to have that kind of power, and she sucks at making fun of people. There’s something about someone laughing at your expense without properly capitalizing on it that just pisses me off more.

“Ah, before I forget. There was actually _one _thing I wanted to ask about…” She seemed hesitant to even bring it up, which had me on guard slightly. Still, I was thankful for the change in subject. “It’s just… It’s been several days now, but I have yet to actually see your parents, let alone speak with them. Is this normal for y- them?” Ran stumbled on the last word, clearly intending to say something else, but I wasn’t going to press her on whatever it was. Suddenly I was no longer grateful for the subject change.

“I guess so,” I shrugged, not even bothering to look away from the starry canvas. “If they’re busy enough, they just sleep in the office for a while. You’ll have to initiate it yourself if you want to talk to them, though. As long as I stay out of trouble, they don’t really care what I do. Komachi talks to them sometimes, so just ask her if you’re curious.” I had more to say, but I kept it to myself. I could feel Ran’s stare burning a hole in the side of my head, no doubt silently requesting more details, but I didn’t feel like saying anymore on the subject. Talking about my parents always left me feeling exhausted, and I had enough fatigue from the last couple days without adding more to it.

“I see,” Ran said quietly when it was made clear I was not going to offer anything more, choosing instead to watch the stars with me in comfortable silence. In spite of the heavy conversation topics, I was honestly enjoying myself. Even without knowing any of the constellations, there was just so much to look at that I never felt bored. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there and stared at the night sky, but eventually Ran gracefully stood in one smooth motion and addressed me. “I’m afraid there are some more tasks for me to complete tonight. Would you like me to pack you some food before I go?” She offered kindly. Seriously, what an angel.

“Nah, the rice balls are plenty.” That was understating it. Heck, I was barely making it through the dish she set out for me, but at some point I had looked over to find the dish fully stocked once again. I had thought this before after listening to Chen talk about her, but Ran’s mothering skills were truly frightening. “Anyways, that’s fine. I wanted to stay out here for a bit longer anyways. I might never get to see the stars this clearly again, so I might as well savor it, right?” I meant it as a joke, but the frown on Ran’s face made it clear that I missed the mark. Ah, she probably thought I was avoiding the question. My bad.

“Yes… I suppose that’s true. In that case, I will be on my way,” She spoke slowly, but she made no motion to leave after she finished speaking. I stared curiously up at her as she visibly mulled over her words. “…Your lessons are progressing well. A few more weeks at most and I see no reason to keep your residency mandatory. Any pertinent information can be safely covered in that time, and practical experience can be safely gained with only minimal oversight.” Despite the words being positive, they were stated with an air of frustration. Perhaps she was frustrated with the slow pace after all?

“Huh, is that so?” I muttered with mild surprise. Truthfully, I had expected it to take longer, from the way everyone had been harping on about how careful things needed to be.

“With that being said, that does not mean I am kicking you out,” Ran continued, snapping me out of my thoughts. That’s… odd? Why wouldn’t she kick me out if my lessons were finished? She seemed a bit exasperated at my clearly writ confusion. “Although necessary, this style of teaching is far from my preferred method. If there were any other option, I would never conduct your lessons while utilizing such haphazard methods. However, I… well, I have rather enjoyed having a student to teach. Once we have your innate abilities under control, I would… I would like to continue teaching you as my apprentice. If you would like to, I mean.” Ran was clearly embarrassed, but she looked me in the eyes the entire time she spoke.

“I thought Chen was your student?” I stated dumbly, instead of actually addressing the offer in any meaningful way. I really needed to fix that habit of saying the first thing that comes to mind when I’m flustered.

“…Have you ever tried to teach a cat something before?” Her body radiated such weariness at that remark that I could safely assume she had tried to do so herself.

“Ah, say no more,” I nodded. The scratches I received from Kamakura had faded long ago, but the emotional wounds never healed. Shaking those dumb thoughts off, I mulled over her words. It was a good offer. Better than I deserved, really. Still… “I appreciate the offer, but I have a life in Chiba. I’ve put it on hold for now, but… Well, I’d like to get back to it. I don’t really see myself fitting magic into all that. Sorry to turn you down after all the trouble you’ve gone through for my sake, but my answer won’t change.” I bluntly rejected her offer, fully prepared for her ire after refusing her.

“Of course, Hachiman. I assure you, it is no trouble for me.” Ran’s smile softened further, totally unaffected by my refusal. “Still… If, for whatever reason, you ever find it difficult to live your life Outside, just know that you may return at any time. Even should you choose to not study further under me, our home will _always_ be open to you.” Ran placed a hand on my shoulder and no doubt smiled kindly at me. I would never know because I was too embarrassed to look her in the face.

“T-thanks,” I said lamely. I wish I could have said more, but Ran had struck a critical hit with her words, whether she knew it or not. Ran simply squeezed my shoulder before truly walking away and into the house, leaving me alone with even more thoughts than I had come out here to distract myself from. In spite of the myriad worries fighting for attention in the back of my head, I didn’t let that distract me from taking in the night sky. I didn’t climb back through the window until the sun rose over the horizon, obscuring the stars from sight. I would continue the search for coffee and then my room soon, but I needed some more time to think things through.

Huh… How long had I been calling it ‘my room’? Great, yet another thought to worry over. I take it back, I needed a distraction. Where the hell did I put that stack of Berserk volumes…

I did eventually find the doors to the library, as well as the stacks of manga I had left behind, but I also found a bento box filled with homemade food waiting for me in my makeshift seat. Of course, there was no fried tofu in it.

_ Day 5 _

I relaxed there for several hours, simply letting my thoughts spin around in my head as I enjoyed reading familiar works from my childhood. I hadn’t reached a satisfying conclusion to my worries, but it’s not like Berserk did either. If Miura can do it and still be beloved by millions, then so can I damn it. I did finish off the box of delicious food as I read though. Funny how quickly food disappears while snacking, even when you’re not hungry.

My worries hadn’t gone anywhere, but I was feeling relaxed enough that I was willing to take yet another crack at exploration. I took a left on the way out, same as yesterday. At this point, it barely even registered when I walked past a blank patch of wall where there was once a broken window. After all, I-

_‘You’re being watched.’_ My senses all but screamed at me. I surreptitiously glanced around the hallway but couldn’t see a single thing out of place. Was this more of the house fucking with me? Almost certainly, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t truly being watched. I considered my options on how to respond to a threat to my person and ultimately came up with nothing. I shrugged and set off down the hallway while keeping a lookout for danger. Since there were no good options for me, I may as well stick to the original plan and hope I didn’t die. There’s always the nuclear option of letting my magic go haywire and taking the house down with me.

Actually, no, I was already sick of this. Forget tact and subtlety. Where has that ever gotten me? I whipped around and glared behind me, daring the presence to show itself. Hopefully, my murderer would tell everyone of my bravery and politely exclude the part about my shaking knees. I scanned the darkness of the dimly lit hallway, not finding anything out of place. Even still, the feeling of being watched persisted. If this was a horror movie, then… I slowly craned my head up to stare at the ceiling, freezing at the sight of a sharp smile with far too many teeth.

“HACHIMAN!” I was swiftly and ruthlessly driven to the floor by the creature barreling into my chest. The tiny cruise missile expelled the air from my lungs and sent me straight onto my back. Ignoring the throbbing in my spine, I lifted my head and was greeted to the sight of inhuman eyes inches away from face. They were the sort of eyes that were hardwired into humanity’s genetic code to blare ‘DANGER’ at full volume upon seeing them.

“Yo,” I wheezed from my totally helpless position on the floor. Lucky for me that my big brother genetics overwrote my sense of danger. Chen giggled and hugged me tightly around my chest, making it even harder to breathe. Ah, what a way to go… No, wait, I can’t die here or else I’ll be cursed to roam the halls as a spirit forever. Roaming them while alive is bad enough!

“…and Ran-sama said I would get extra servings if I found you and I did and I’m going to get extra fish but I’ll share with you if you ask nicely so where have you been did you get lost I know what that’s like it happened to me all the time when I first came here and Yukari-sama made fun of me but Ran-sama cried she was so happy to see me and-” Chen rambled on and on about a subject that, with the proper pauses, may have made some sense to me. Good lord, when was she finding time to breathe?

“Wait, Ran sent you to find me?” I asked, blessedly cutting Chen off as she nodded rapidly. “I thought this was supposed to be a learning experience for me. That’s weird… Did she already change her mind?” I wondered aloud as I stood up, Chen thankfully giving me the room to do so. I would have gone further, but Chen was looking distinctly guilty now as she averted her gaze to the floor.

“Ah, um… W-well, I was actually supposed to just watch you,” She muttered while fiddling with her fingers. “Sorry! I got bored and started treating it like a chase and… um… sorry…” She darted her eyes up to meet mine, but she did a double take. Between one blink and the next, her face was centimeters from mine as she stared at my eyes. “Wooooah, what happened to your eyes?! They look so cool!” She was practically gushing as she looked at my eyes. This was a novel experience for me.

“My eyes? What- Oh, right, I haven’t been sleeping, so they probably look more rotten than usual.” Hm, that was actually worrying. I already knew how grotesque they get when I pull an all-nighter, but I no longer need to sleep. Does that mean they’ll just keep getting worse? Ran was right, my magic really _is_ dangerous…

“Huh? Why would- AH!” Chen yelped right in my face and scampered back with her hands over her mouth, now looking panicked. Finally, a normal reaction. “Chen messed up… Chen wasn’t supposed to say anything about…” She mumbled a few more sentences I couldn’t catch, then she nodded to herself as she psyched herself up. She stood tall and addressed me with her chest puffed out. “Absolutely nothing is wrong!” Chen declared for all the world to hear.

“Uh.” I eloquently stated. Her posture started to droop, so I hurriedly continued. “Well, if you say so, then I guess it must be true! Hahaha!” Ugh, quit laughing like a creep, you freaking weirdo.

“That’s right! Hahaha!” Chen laughed just as awkwardly back, but it was cute when she did it. Life is so unfair.

“Hahaha!” A throaty laugh came from behind, freezing Chen and I mid-laugh. We slowly turned to face the source of the laughter, finding a smiling face peaking around the corner. I couldn’t see much due to the shadows concealing them, but the general shape was still visible. An unnaturally wide grin split the face, sending shivers down my spine. “I. FOUND. YOU.” The figure menacingly growled, the clenching hand puncturing the wall as the grip tightened.

“AAAAAAH!” I was more terrified by Chen loudly shrieking and clinging to my stomach than of the shadowy menacing figure. After all, while the facial details may have been obscured beyond recognition, the outline was still visible. There was only one person I knew that both had horns like that and reeked strongly of alcohol.

“Suika, what the fuck?” I asked as the figure staggered into the dim lighting. “If you’re going to sneak up on me in this place, at least do some more collateral damage in the process.” She ignored my remark and dove into my chest, smothering Chen in the process with her utter lack of cleavage.

“Hachimaaaaan!” Oh no. Suika was crying. I was totally unprepared for this turn of events. “I haven’t seen you in foreveeeeeer!” She whined while tightening the hug, and causing a worrying cracking sound to come from Chen. Stay strong, Chen!

“I’m not actually sure because _this place has no clocks apparently,_ but I’m pretty sure it’s only been a couple of days.” I pointed out. “Also, please let go. I’ll be traumatized if you kill Chen.” Suika looked confused at me, before noticing the rapidly paling body separating us. She quickly let go, leaving Chen to catch her breath.

“Hehe… Sorry about that.” She grinned nervously and pat Chen on the back, nearly sending her toppling to the ground from the force. Chen’s bloodshot glare held the promise of murder. “Anyways, I’m actually here for a reason this time.” Suika expertly avoided Chen’s glare and focused her attention on me. I was impressed by the level of sheer shamelessness on display. I’d need to do my best to match that.

“I’m hurt, Suika. Here I thought you were here because you missed me.” The line was delivered with such monotone dryness that only an idiot could have mistaken it for sincerity. Suika instantly began to fret, as she took my remark with absolute sincerity.

“Of course I missed you! You’re busy with Ran’s lessons, and Reimu’s been dealing with some jerks in the human village, so I haven’t had anyone fun to drink with!” Your only drinking buddies are me and Reimu? That was so sad that I didn’t even want to tease her anymore. “That’s actually why I’m here! I met up with an old friend to have some drinks together, and I convinced her to help make you less of a wimp! Ran won’t yell at me if she’s around.”

“Did you have to phrase it like that? You’re hurting my feelings.”

“Ah sorry, I’m not a fan of lying.”

“It hurts more when you say that!”

“Can you stop distracting me? I’m trying to tell you something and you’re being really rude right now.” I bit down hard on the response I wanted to give to that, and instead settled for a nasty glare. I don’t think Suika even noticed. Even Chen had given up by that point. “I told my friend a little about your situation and she offered to give you some pointers, so I’m here to kidnap you.”

“Could you explain it again, but this time in a way that actually explains anything?” I slowly asked. Ah, not good, Suika is looking annoyed. Nothing good ever comes from women being annoyed with you. Source: me.

“I covered the important bits! I kidnap you, my friend beats you up a little, you get stronger. Simple and easy.” Suika folded her arms as her gaze silently demanded I keep my retorts to myself. It wasn’t frightening in the slightest, but there were so many things wrong with what she just said that I wasn’t sure where to even begin.

“Who are you taking him to?” Chen spoke up with a narrowed glare at Suika, reminding us both that she was still there. Thanks for picking up my slack, Chen. Seems that’s become a Yakumo family tradition as well.

“Ah, well… Sorry, but I promised not to tell when she found out where he’s staying. You guys aren’t exactly her favorite people, for some reason.” Suika scratched the back of her head while looking genuinely apologetic. Even when she had absolutely nothing to do with the situation, Yukari excelled at making everyone’s lives more difficult. “She checks out though, I promise! She and I go waaay back.” That didn’t actually make me feel any better, but no point in pushing any further than that. Suika didn’t seem like the type to break a promise, so may as well see where this leads.

“That’s suspicious!” Chen separated from me and pointed an accusing finger in Suika’s face. Suika just looked amused at the implicit threat. “Ran-sama trusted me to watch over Hachiman, so there’s no way I’ll just leave and let you drag him off to some suspicious stranger!”

“Oh, that’s fine. You can come too.” Suika shrugged and lifted Chen around her stomach with one arm before resting her on her shoulder. Chen immediately began to beat at her back with both fists, whereas Suika just pat her back encouragingly. Terrifying. And yet, it was nothing compared to the fear I felt when she turned a considering look at me.

“I’ll walk,” I blurted out. There was clearly no stopping Suika from whatever kind of scheme she was pulling off right now, so I may as well salvage whatever pride I can. Besides, this was supposed to help me, right? Suika was a lot of things- OK that’s not true. She was like three things, all cranked up to 11. Point is, she isn’t a liar. I could at least trust that she wasn’t trying to screw me over here.

“Alright!” Suika grinned happily. Why the hell did that get me such an approving look? “Hey Shen, what’s the best way to get to Youkai Mountain from here?” She jostled her shoulder a bit to get Chen’s attention. Chen hissed and attacked Suika’s back with a renewed fervor. “Well… Alright, then. Guess I’ll hope for the best.” Suika shrugged, lifted one leg, and kicked out to the side. I nearly fell to the ground from the force of her kicking a new entry way into the wall… and the wall behind it as well. She sent me another grin before she turned away and stepped into the hole.

“I’m so jealous,” I grumbled while glaring balefully at the walls. Here I am, stuck playing by the house’s rules, while Suika just gets to flip the table over and win. Complaining about the unfairness of it all, I quickly followed behind Suika before the house got any bright ideas about making me lose sight of her. She had already smashed three separate walls in the short time I was complaining. Chen had seemingly given up for now and was staring mournfully at me with a glassy-eyed stare.

Me too, Chen. Me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! You’re probably wondering why this took so long. Me too. To be honest, this epidemic has pretty much tanked my mental state. Shit gets to you after a while I guess, and it’s not gonna let up any time soon. I’m not going to stop working on this fic, and I’ve got everything all planned out, but I can’t really make any promises for how long it will take. Regardless, I swear that this fic will be finished, however long that takes. I appreciate all you guys who have stuck around this long, and I hope you’ll stick with me until the end!
> 
> Onto the chapter discussion. This chapter is a perfect example of why I love writing. You know what my plans for this chapter were going in? ‘I want a chapter of Hachiman spending time at the Yakumo homestead.’ That’s it, that was my whole plan. So I started writing this as a timeskip where he briefly monologues what happened throughout the week, but the monologue just kept going… and going… and going… so then I thought “Wow, I have more to say on these events than I thought I did!” So now every day gets a scene and I have my personal favorite chapter yet. A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one! This was originally going to be a full week, but it was feeling bloated until I trimmed some parts. I’ll save those bits for later chapters, so don’t worry about cut content.
> 
> Whenever it may be, I look forward to seeing you guys next time!


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